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escape first then..

(30 Posts)
busybee6969 Thu 03-Jun-21 09:01:40

hi in a controlled relationship.i do everything he sits watching tv eating,dad died end last year his house is nearly sold,im buying one with that money just for me, keeping it quiet. i think he will get violent ,so planning to get house we are decluttering ours to sell very soon he knows that,but he does not know we are splitting up, im scared he will hurt me, so this way is safer,only telling him at last minute,ours should sell fast,then give him half our value,anyone done similar

vampirequeen Thu 03-Jun-21 09:17:59

Well done. Make sure he doesn't know where you're moving to. Change your phone number and email address if you can. Tell him after you've left. Talk to a solicitor about the house and money to protect your share and your new house. Do that before you escape. Get all the legal stuff ready.

I didn't have a house to buy/sell but I escaped a controlling man.

You're doing a very brave thing. It won't be easy but it is so worth it. Being free is wonderful.

timetogo2016 Thu 03-Jun-21 09:23:17

Well you are doing the right thing by getting out of the relationship for sure.
And thankfully you have the funds for your own property,which is a relief.
You need to speak to someone about your worries about his violent behaviour quickly.
I am pretty sure you will get great advice from gransnetters.
I wish you all the best for your future.

nanna8 Thu 03-Jun-21 09:26:17

Someone I worked with did similar and squirrelled away things at her mum’s house in preparation. It took her a year but she left in the end. I lost touch with her then, she ‘disappeared’ because of him.

Shropshirelass Thu 03-Jun-21 09:34:25

Good luck, take advice about protection after you have left him and speak to the police if you are concerned about violence. Also take advice from a solicitor about protecting your new house from him as he might try to get a share, I don’t want to worry you but make sure it is watertight. Keep in contact with your true friends. Good luck with your new life, you deserve it.

Grandmabatty Thu 03-Jun-21 09:44:45

I have no advice to give you but I wish you well in your new life.

Savvy Thu 03-Jun-21 09:45:55

If you feel he may get violent you can ask for a police officer to be present when you're moving out, just in case. I wouldn't say anything, I'd just pack up quietly and leave, no explanations, just go.

Make sure you take everything you are taking, even if it means hiring a storage unit to put stuff in while you are preparing to move. You can always say you got rid of it in the decluttering process.

Change everything that can be used to trace you, email address, phone number, even your bank account, and try to move further away if that's possible so you won't bump into him in the street.

You are doing the right thing, believe me.

Witzend Thu 03-Jun-21 09:50:53

IIRC someone on MN in a similar situation did much the same recently. She smuggled things out of the house to a safe place, to retrieve later - was determined that he should not find out in advance.
I don’t recall an update, though.

All very best wishes, BusyBee6969 - I do hope it all goes smoothly for you.

Yammy Thu 03-Jun-21 09:54:37

Some years ago I knew a person in the same situation as you only women were involved as well.
Elderly aunts bequeath was kept quiet, solicitors were visited and gave sound advice as to when bank accounts should be frozen etc.
He left on his usually twice-yearly "boys" only holiday.
On his return, the person in question had left not just her job but the city, she had not even told the adult children.
No one knew where she had gone, though neighbours told him they had seen a large removal van.
A very close friend must have known for she did turn up at an all-girls reunion a few years later, happy carefree and looking lovely.
Then we all lost touch.
You need every fine detail organised and keep smiling give nothing away.
Sad to say he carried on as normal as if nothing had happened and is probably going strong womanising and intimidating.
Best of luck.shamrock

grannyactivist Thu 03-Jun-21 10:03:30

It’s really important to have all your necessary paperwork; certificates, passport, legal and medical papers etc. Perhaps leave them with a trusted friend along with any sentimental or personal items.

This leaflet gives very helpful guidance:
www.victimsupport.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Surviving-Domestic-Abuse-Leaflet.pdf

Mary59nana Thu 03-Jun-21 11:02:36

I have no advice for you ...
But just wanted to say we'll done in realising life without him will be worth living
And sending you my best wishes for your future ❤

M0nica Thu 03-Jun-21 11:26:17

Tell him somewhere where you are not alone, do not do it at home alone. make sure you can then go somewhere safe.

Possibly book him a night in a hotel for the day you tell him and while you are out get the house locks change. Allow him to return the following day to collect his belongings, but make sure that you have another adult male relation with you when he comes. Make sure you are never alone with him after you have told him about the break-up.

cornishpatsy Thu 03-Jun-21 11:30:32

Make sure that he cannot access whatever device you have this forum on.

GillT57 Thu 03-Jun-21 11:32:36

Lots of great advice on here.

Namsnanny Thu 03-Jun-21 11:36:44

That is good advice too cornishpatsy

Namsnanny Thu 03-Jun-21 11:37:36

shamrockGood luck busybee6969

DanniRae Thu 03-Jun-21 11:56:20

AS others have said No Advice but send you all the luck in the world flowers

Newatthis Thu 03-Jun-21 11:58:44

Well done for being so brave. You must get out. Don't tell him ANYTHING about your plans. I had a friend who moved out and took everything when her partner was at work one day and she has never looked back. You are doing the right thing, don't let ANYTHING or ANYBODY stop you.

Hithere Thu 03-Jun-21 12:14:52

You are a strong person!

glammanana Thu 03-Jun-21 12:26:52

Well done for making the right decision and getting out of this abusive controlling relationship you certainly deserve peace away from this bully.
My friend also had to make this decision a few years ago she stored her personal belongings at a trusted friends house until she left she also made copies of all her documents just in case he got wind of anything (he didn't) she arranged for the Police to be present when she handed him divorce papers then left to move to her new flat she has never been happier with her life,you are very brave good luck for the future flowers

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 03-Jun-21 12:46:33

Bless you, and well done. I wish you all the very best. Take care and keep safe💐

sodapop Thu 03-Jun-21 14:44:24

That's a very brave step to take busybee lots of good advice on here. I wish you well and happiness in your new home. thanks

Kim19 Thu 03-Jun-21 18:37:18

I'm so sad that this awful option is necessary for you. You are so brave. I admire you hugely. I wish you a safe and secure transition as well as a very happy future. Good luck.

Esspee Thu 03-Jun-21 18:46:29

Best wishes. You won’t regret it.

mokryna Fri 04-Jun-21 17:42:58

I just want to repeat as others have said, be sure you have everything ring-fenced regarding your inheritance, savings and bank account, have it all done before hand. Have paperwork including bills you have paid as well as health and passport put in a safe place. Be careful with your computer/ device.
Good luck