Son angry that I am friendlier with other son’s parents

Thanks DiscoDancer1965.
I don’t know why I couldn’t see that yesterday!
Private message has been sent to OP.

Mouseybrown60

My heart goes out to you. I would prefer to send you a private message tomorrow but I’m not sure how to do it but I’m sure someone will be able to assist me. I don’t really want to say publicly what her diagnosis was, not that she accepted it then nor now.

Just press ‘ private message’ next to notthisagain’s post, any of them.

Sounds to me like he has mental health issues. He brings an awful lot of drama to your lives so perhaps just keep contact to a minimum. If he starts ranting on just let him get it off his chest and then subtely change the subject .

My heart goes out to you. I would prefer to send you a private message tomorrow but I’m not sure how to do it but I’m sure someone will be able to assist me. I don’t really want to say publicly what her diagnosis was, not that she accepted it then nor now.

Thank you so much for all these responses .
They all offer something to think about- please keep posting your own experiences or thoughts .
Justwokeup- you have described me to a T - wound up , worried and introspective.
I’ve just been dwelling on the fact that if we create some distance ( and after the recent text storm my husband and myself really need space) we will be reinforcing and proving the narrative that we don’t care/ have favourites.
I also recognise the truth of the post above re not being able to communicate normally with my son. He rejects / blanks anything we say .
Time to speak to his wife again but they are both very private and I think any but the most tentative of questions will be seen as prying .
Mouseybrown what you say rings so many bells with me. If you are willing to give any more details re diagnosis/ behaviour I’d be very grateful
Thank you all

It’s the hardest thing when having a relationship with someone with mental health issues, you can’t say the right thing, it’s as if you have to just agree with whatever they come out with at the time, obviously this is impossible, so in the end they can alienate themselves. Mental illness comes in so many forms, you need the wisdom of Solomon to navigate it, in the
end you have to protect yourself or you could end up falling out. I send you best wishes Notisgran,

You’ve received good advice already. I would just repeat what someone up thread said. He will have issues whatever you do. It’s his mindset.
I think you have to tell him what you’ve told us. You’re no longer going to play these silly games. You love him very much, and always will, but he’s spoiling valuable time with your other sons and families.
The one thing you can do...is to help him get help, because something doesn’t sound right with his mental health, but it shouldn’t be to the detriment of the rest of you.
I do feel for you, and hope you can find a solution.

You sound so wound up with worries and introspection and there is probably not much you can do for your son anyway, he will have to make up his own mind on the way he moves forward. Maybe you would consider counselling for yourself to clear your thoughts a bit and work out a way to deal with his behaviour that works for you and your husband?

Honestly?... I would be far more concerned about the health and safety of your daughter-in-law... dealing with this every day.... she must be at breaking point.. if not already broken..
Your son is walking his own path.. but please take care of this girl...

I hope that your son is not mistreating your daughter in law as well. He sounds like a very difficult man to live with.
I have an older sister who has had mental health issues since she was 15. It took ages to get the correct diagnosis. She used to lash out at our deceased parents and her behaviour affected the whole family. If he does have mental health problems it will not be easy for him to accept this. At her worst my sister just did not believe that there was anything wrong with her, everyone else was at fault. My mother used to say that xxxxxx was her cross to bear in life. So sad.

In answer to your original question, no I don’t think it’s unusual to have different relationships with each set of In-Laws. I have 5 married sons, so five sets of “in-laws”. All are lovely,and we see each set when the kids have a party and both sets of families are invited!
However, if I didn’t like a set, I would be very nice,smile a lot, say yes in the right places, just for family peace! If I really liked one set over the others I would invite them for dinner, a bbq, (have done this) and met in the pub, and that is absolutely acceptable too. You have a very very difficult situation. I feel so sorry for you. It’s altered/altering your life! Your poor son ?. He is mentally unwell and needs huge input to understand why his brain is misbehaving ☹️ The most you can do is humour him ( don’t throw petrol on the bonfire) and ask your D.I.L to persuade him to go for serious mental treatment. I wish you well, please keep us posted. ?????

I am no expert just a wife, mum, grandma and aunt.
I can only speak from my own personal experiences and these are my comments.
First of all you are a person in your own right you do not have to answer to anyone who you are friendly with least of all an angry son.
Your son sounds like he may have mental health issues or have additions of some sort, could be jealous or full of envy. The thing I think for sure is he needs to speak to someone about his problems.
My husband and I had a problem years ago with his mother. She favored her daughters children above ours. I can honestly say she never took them anywhere ever, but couldn't do enough for her daughters children.
I felt heart broken for my daughter when she came home from school one day and asked me why she was never asked to stay over at grandmas when her friends at school stayed over every weekend.
The only thing you can do is be as positive and loving to all your family offering advice where it is asked for and living life as best you can.

Whether you can do something about the situation or not, I think you should talk this over with your own GP. It's surprising what help he/she may have at hand which will give you some more background.

It’s upsetting and enraging ( you don’t want anything to do with your in-laws but I’m at fault for not being friendly enough with them??) to get these messages but of course this is not normal.

There is something deeply wrong.
How do I help my 35 year old when I’m not even next of kin?
It comes from sadness jealousy resentment fear etc. Then I think how have I contributed? Was it how I brought him up?
There was some bullying at school I think, I found out years later. I think some deep trauma happened more recently and hasn’t been treated.
We as parents are the punchbag

All of your responses are reminding me of what I should remember or giving me food for thought , thank you

Is there any reason why two sets of in-laws should have a relationship? Distance precluded my having a close friendship with my DiL's parents but I enjoyed their company and was so sad when the MiL died and I attended the funeral. Still in touch with her husband at Christmas and on Facebook. DS2's partner's mother lives even further away and I have seen her only rarely. It's true that we don't have much in common except our grandsons, but we get on together when we do meet.
Your son is to be pitied, I think, in that his outlook is so distorted by such irrelevant resentment of your preference for one set of in-laws over another. Is there any good reason why he should even care about what really doesn't concern him or his own relationship with his in-laws? it appears to have become an unhealthy obsession when he should be getting on with his own life and relationships.

I only have one set of in laws and they live a long way from us, so only saw them at the wedding, so I can't advise if it's normal to be more friendly with one set than the other; surely it's down to personalities and how well you get on together?

I don't actually believe though that this is the real problem with your son. He seems to be trying to get a reaction from you for some reason; you can't do right for doing wrong!

He doesn't respect you and seems to be blaming you for something (yet still comes to you when he needs help; financial or otherwise). If it were me I'd send him an email, or letter explaining that although you love him and are happy to help in any way you can, you are not prepared to put up with his abusive messages and if he has a problem with you he needs to tell you, so you have a chance to sort things between you.

Did something happen to him when he was younger? Is it possible he was bullied, or even abused and it is manifesting itself in later life as anger towards you?

Thanks
I’m astounded at how accurate you all are when I’m only giving a little info
I feel more able to cope - for now at least !

is it wrong for parents to have a closer relationship with one son’s parents in law than another’s ?

I don't think that is even the issue here. Your son unfortunately seems to have a chip on his shoulder and is frequently difficult in many areas. I do not think you should doubt yourselves.

Thank you all
It has helped to get some perspective

He knows he’s getting a reaction, hard as it is, just delete the texts, after sending just one back, as suggested previously that he should call, not text. We choose friends, including through our children, not family, so no, you are not wrong to be friendlier with some people not others. Children can be hurtful, because we love them, but would you tolerate someone else speaking to you like this? Probably not. So, time and distance and explain to your husband, get his support, maybe your son should txt him, not you.

Yes to the perceived injustices- this was why I posted to see if I was being unfair to have a better relationship with one set of sons in-laws . That was the injustice we were accused of

Anger control is definitely an issue- I remember incidents from teen years .
But it hasn’t gone . The stream of texts and deleted texts - sometimes 30 at a time feel like an angry assault

Yes he did at that time . I don’t know any details but one son said he had been given strong sleeping pills and other meds.

I think that’s why we haven’t responded to the abuse - we tell ourselves he’s mentally ill. But it can’t go on like this

We have 3 adult kids, all have in-laws in the same town as us. The only one we have over is my DIL's Dad, since he is single. We invite him for Christmas and Thanksgiving, etc. The other in laws we may see while out and stop for a chat, but otherwise do not see socially.
I've never even thought about it, nor considered that it may offend one of the kids. The invites could come around the other way, but haven't, so it is a non-issue.

Socialize with whomever you want to. You may hit it off with one of the couples more than the others, no big deal! If one of my kids wanted me to include in-laws to an event then of course I would, but it hasn't come up.

It really sounds like your son has issues. Perceived injustices and anger control. Can you have a quiet talk with him at some point? Let him know how you feel, and there comes a point where you cannot cater to his anger. Maybe recommend a therapist.