Care home for husband ?

Your dh can want you to be his carer but you, OP, also have a choice in this matter.

You are also a person and can call the shots in what you can do or not do for him - you matter!

Your dh has to understand compromises have to be made - daycare, carers, respite care, etc - whatever works for you

If he boycotts all your efforts, a hard decision has to be made

It is not unusual for the person that needs care to be inflexible with their requests.

Barbamama I agree completely with you, I have found the responses unusual to be honest, also there is nothing worse than being cared for by someone who doesnt want to do it, it is awful and possibly dangerous for the person receiving care.

I think the majority of responses here have been from posters who have been fortunate enough to enjoy happy and life-enriching relationships with their other halves.

barbamama you are jumping to big old conclusions there I think there are plenty of people on gransnet who have far from ideal, fulfilling or even happy marriages me included so I did the honest thing and removed myself from the unhappy marriage I brought my children up alone sooner than have them brought up in a dysfunctional family

Second hand electric wheelchair so the poor chap can get out wouldn’t be as expensive as a respite care home and give him an incentive to not be demanding and grumpy he could even take the dog or be with you when you walk the dog it sounds as if your share of attention and love is now given to the dog
Is he grumpy because he’s bored and lost his independence
We have a mobility shop in our town where you can hire them for a day /week /month etc
You don’t mention his faculties being gone just his hip and 80 isn’t that old in this day and age Many very astute people on here are well over 80 and still got lots of life in them

I’m coming at this from a different perspective as I’m horrified that the majority view is that you should sacrifice your happiness to be a handmaiden for a grumpy man with whom you live in an unhappy marriage. Please, OP, consider your own happiness and think about how YOU would like to live out YOUR twilight years.

I write as the middle-aged daughter of a father who died four weeks ago and who, in all honesty, could often be (very) unpleasant to my mother. On paper, their marriage lasted nearly 60 years and would be a good news story. In truth, nobody could pay me enough money to have lived the life my mother did with my father. And I DID love him in all his gloriously complex human frailty. In some ways, I’m relieved for my mum that my dad has died as he can’t pick at her endlessly. Sadly, she can’t really enjoy her peace as she is newly diagnosed with dementia. She also has a number of severe auto-immune conditions that mean she is housebound; and I would bet my house on the fact that she is profoundly ill, due to the enduring stress of living with my grumpy and hypercritical father.

Honestly, I think it’s okay for you to consider your husband going into a care home, especially as you say it’s what he wants.

I think the majority of responses here have been from posters who have been fortunate enough to enjoy happy and life-enriching relationships with their other halves. I simply wanted to give a perspective about a woman who has lived a very small and unhappy life in her quest to put duty before her own happiness and peace of mind.

Good luck, OP.

I'm sure she is marvellous

Thank you JaneJudge, that's a nice thing to say.

One of my kids is a teacher and further trained to be a SENCO. When they qualified I said, "Don't blame parents for being pushy, they've been fighting for their child for at least 11 years before they get to you (she was at a senior school) and you will have to earn their trust." I hope it was good advice and parents did come to value her, but it did take a few tough months.

I hope your child as a SENCO with a mum like me

You always sound such a nice person theworriedwell, I hope that isn't a weird thing to post

Our local authority is awful. You really do need advocacy to get anything to happen at all. I have become a warrior in all honesty and my daughter's file most probably has 'DIFFICULT MOTHER' written on the top of it but I've realised that I am the only permanent fixture who contributes to decisions and the social workers, carers and everyone else are just temporary and I know better than they do. People need a lot more support to get to that point though.

Oh and I'm judged, I'm judged by lots of people who absolutely NO IDEA who I am or what I have been through.

Daisend1

Contact your GP and he will arrange for social services to give you assistance in looking after your husband.You will also receive respite. 'Over the top as suggested to 'extract yourself'

It varies. I have LPA for elderly relative and her local authority were totally useless and didn't do one thing to help. The idea that they'd arrange respite is just so far fetched. Where I live it is much better, it really shouldn't be a postcode lottery.

JaneJudge

That is a really good suggestion NotSpaghetti I do find the judgement on family/spouse carers harsh no one asks to become a carer for someone, it's not a choice they have made and they need a lot more support than society in general ever gives them. There is an element of becoming invisible too, people just don't ask how carers are and they don't like carers being anything other than positive. It's obvious on this thread too unfortunately.

This is so true. A young mum at my GCs school was struggling with children, fulltime job and a husband with a serious illness, potentially terminal but fortunately he did recover. One day I asked how she was coping and she cried, she said no one ever asked her just asked about him and of course he was so brave etc. I said he has no choice, you are the brave one because you could walk away but you haven't.

She stopped me a few days later and said she felt so much better, she hadn't thought of how brave she was but it had done alot for her morale.

If there is one thing that everyone could easily do it is ask the carer how they are.

Contact your GP and he will arrange for social services to give you assistance in looking after your husband.You will also receive respite. 'Over the top as suggested to 'extract yourself'

He has to understand that you cannot manage on your own, wether he likes it or not he has to accept others helping. Make a stand now or it will get worse.

This is so right.

How can he stop you getting a dog walker?

Notspaghetti I know that but when two people plan together for a joint future, surely that forms part of the planning.

I had an aunt 12 years older than her husband and she had plans, not only for her predeceasing him, but also the possibility that she might outlive him, which was always on the books.

Book if you can with your GP and tell them you need help from the social services as you are no longer coping.
You need someone night and morning and a cleaner.
Pleasant as it might be and a break to see your daughter and grandchildren make sure it is one not you doing the running around.
I knew someone who married a chap 21 years older than them. It was alright for the first 20 years but got hard when they were still working and the partner going to the pub and backing horses. Then a terminal illness came along and they were coping with teenagers as well.
You shouldn't feel guilty about how you feel all our feelings change over the years and what was fun and frivolous in our 20 can be tedious and boring when we feel underappreciated. It's you who needs help and quick. Shout for it ,

Aldom

I agree with most of what has been said up thread. You mentioned care home costs. If you have to pay then the average residential home costs £2,816 per month and for a nursing home £3,552 per month.
I cared for my husband for ten years. It was extremely hard work, but for me it was a labour of love. I can sympathise with you if you are in a loveless relationship. Was your husband always 'grumpy' or has his personality changed with his mobility difficulties? Is he also unhappy and resentful? Possibly he is in pain. I hope life improves for you both.

A lot depends where you live re the costs. Here in Greater Manchester, a care home is around £900 a week ie £3,600 every four weeks. You can get advice re the finances and how they are split simply by a quick online search which you ought to do now. Your house will be disregarded if you live in it and any joint savings split between you both then only your husbands money will be assessed.

But you really are not at that stage yet, you could get help for yourself to give you free time eg hire a cleaner, gardener, dog Walker etc.

However, some help with looking at your relationship might be the first thing to consider as it appears that you are very unhappy and might not want to remain with your husband any longer.

That is a really good suggestion NotSpaghetti I do find the judgement on family/spouse carers harsh no one asks to become a carer for someone, it's not a choice they have made and they need a lot more support than society in general ever gives them. There is an element of becoming invisible too, people just don't ask how carers are and they don't like carers being anything other than positive. It's obvious on this thread too unfortunately.

M0nica we can't exactly help who we fall in love with.

I doubt notjust would have fallen for the grumpy person he is just now!

What is it he can do - or could do if there were some home modifications?
What did he used to enjoy?
I once helped an old (to me) gentleman go fishing again through a charity. It really gave him something to look forward to and really helped his wife who needed a break.

Did it not occur to you when you married a man 17 years older than you that this situation (being your DH carer, not the personal relationship) was likely to happen?

Luckygirl, spot on. It was a real shock looking at care homes for my wheelchair-bound 89 year old mother.

Many were so awful that I wouldn't even leave my dog there for a day.

She lived in three during her last year (all 'luxury' ones) - all inadequate, a last resort too, although the last was a little better. Here (North London) it was £1,250 a week four years ago!

Notjustaprettyface, personally, I'd consider getting a dog walker (or even rehoming your dog) and seeing far less of your grandchildren - before even thinking about a care home (so called).

He's your husband, after all (not just a nuisance) so needs your loyalty and devotion in his final years. How would you feel if it were you?

A very difficult position for you to be in Notjustaprettyface but there are things you can do to try and make life easier for yourself, as have already been suggested.

In addition, if using a dog walker will make life easier than do so. Don't allow him to dictate on a matter that only impacts on you. He isn't having to walk a lively dog so this should be your decision, not his.

When your AC ask what they can do to help, tell them. Dog walking springs to mind for example and you could think of other things that may ease your burden and simply ask them.

Perhaps if helping your D with her two young children is in your own home, this is something you need to look at. A lively and no doubt noisy 2 year old wont help your H's grumpiness, no matter how lovely s/he is.

If you cant rely on family to give you a break, you are going to have to look into other options. Respite is expensive but have you been assessed by social services? could you claim attendance allowance for example? This could be saved up and paid towards 'respite'. You need to contact social services really or one of the organisations that can help you navigate what is available locally to you and for support for yourself

I think you need a break, so try and fix up respite care so you can get away for a while.

Why are you helping your daughter with child-care, instead of her helping you look after her father or step-father?

We can all of us only do so much and feeling tired or resentful all the time only makes it harder.

A lot of men (most of them) react to adversity by being grumpy.

Reading your text I think we all felt at first sight that your husband has every right to feel grumpy, being grudginly helped be a wife who resents him, but you probably didn't mean your post to come across like that - you are just at the end of your tether.

So my suggestions are:
Respite care
A straight talk with your daughter asking her to help you, or at least make other arrangements for child-care
Find a dog walker to take the dog for a long walk every day, and you can still take it for shorter ones to get out of the house
Find someone who will come in for two hours once a week, so you can get out and do whatever you like for that time.

My mother was a right pain in the a* for the last three years of her life and we all, my father, my sister, the home helps and I exploded or broke down in tears at times. And we all knew the feeling that we just had to get out.

Rain or shine, I rode my bike for the hour that she slept in the afternoon, just to get away. So I know how you are feeling right now.

Sit down with your husband and tell him that you just cannot cope with looking after him, the house, the dog, the cooking and cleaning all on your own.

He may not like the carers, but you need them coming in regularly.

If you can afford it, get a cleaner too and send the laundry out, if no-one will come and do it for you. Otherwise bung it in the washing-machine and then in the dryer and don't iron anything!

Notjustaprettyface my mil wouldn’t go to a day centre. Then the community nurse arrived took her off in their car so she could see what it was like. If your husband is thinking of it maybe he could just go for one day to see if he likes it or not.