Care home for husband ?

A care home seems a bit extreme unless he is happy to go. Could you get carers in to help him morning and night.

That seems a better option dragonfly but I'm not sure how much care the OP's husband actually needs. Sounds like you are unhappy notjustaprettyface and this is what you need to address. Would your husband agree to some respite care to give you a chance to recharge your batteries and both of you think about what is best for the future.

We have tried carers but they were useless and he didn’t like them around
He wants me to be his carer !

That is hard. As Sodapop says maybe try some respite care.

You can't just put someone in a home if they don't want to go unless they lack capacity.

It is hard living with resentment , please look at what you have written here !
He isn’t a parcel to put on a shelf out of the way , talk to him , see if you can find out why he is so grumpy,
look to see if some of his friends or relations could visit and take him out for an afternoon to give you both a rest
Get some help with a cleaner to give you a few hours of freedom

This is a warning to those in an unhappy relationship. Get out now.

You don’t like him very much now do you ? but unfortunately it’s kinda for better or worse isn’t it ? unless you divorce him or just leave him and let him find his own way of getting care
He sounds like an old pair of shoes that you don’t really want and asking if they should go to a charity shop or the bin Maybe it’s the way you worded it
As you are only 63 bi can understand you are resentful of looking after someone old enough to be your father ( and who you don’t really live) but that’s the life you chose.… poor man maybe any of us would be grumpy after breaking a hip losing mobility and having a wife who is resentful
I think you should find some nice carers ( they can’t all be useless my Dad had lovely carers) and do your own thing You don’t love this old boy and it’s hard to be in a relationship where your care is needed if you don’t really like someone
Make some decisions but you can’t bung him in a home because he doesn’t fit in your life any more

Notjustaprettyface if he wants you to be his carer I can’t see him agreeing to go into a care home which he would have to do so you need to consider all the options. Have you spoken to your doctor about the situation? Has there been a proper assessment of your husband’s needs and future prognosis?

You could try cutting back on the other demands on you. You have a ‘ very lively dog to walk and control’. Maybe you need a trainer to help you control it? Perhaps you could have a dog walker some days? Maybe you don’t need to help daughter and gc quite so much.

Be clear what you want and how much you are prepared to do and make sure you have an input into any assessments of your husband’s care.

You could speak to your local Carer’s Association as well.

I would suggest you get a benefits check if you haven't already. And ask your gp for a referral to social services.

You could try cutting back on the other demands on you. You have a ‘ very lively dog to walk and control’. Maybe you need a trainer to help you control it? Perhaps you could have a dog walker some days? Maybe you don’t need to help daughter and gc quite so much.

I don't know how this will help the OP - she's understandably resentful of the caring that she already does and her husband will then expect 24 hour attention, which would be intolerable.

I help my daughter with the children

That reads as though she isn’t your husband’s daughter? Is it a second marriage for you, or both of you?

It certainly sounds a miserable life all round.

Get in touch with arers UK They should have a branch more local to you and will be able to advise you on a practical level and also emotionally too.

There is also Age UK too

Like others have said, if your husband has capacity then the decision isn't yours anyway but there are other options including assisted living type communities which seem to work well for some people. I suspect the carers association will suggest you have a carers assessment f you haven't had one already. It is normal to feel resentful and suffocated when the person you are caring for isn't very nice to you. It is very, very difficult being a carer. So hopefully you can get some emotional support for yourself too, have you spoken to your GP about how you feel?

A long unhappy marriage to a grumpy man 17 years older sounds grim.

I think the problem here is the relationship not your husband's lack of mobility or your "other duties" and "chores".

Could you talk to each other maybe?
Could you do some couples counselling?
Can you cut back on your other commitments?

After all, if your husband wasn't there, instead of having to do most of the chores around the house you would then be having to do all the chores round the house.

The most important thing here is to realise that you cannot put him into a care home. Unless he does not have mental capacity (and that would need to be professionally assessed) he has to agree to going into a care home.

I do fully understand your dilemma. I was in a similar situation with my OH - there were moments when, to my shame, I could not help feeling a bit resentful, especially as his illness gradually changed who he was. If yours has not been a happy marriage then this must be many times worse for you. Do not beat yourself up about that - you feel what you feel.

Being a 24 hour a day carer to someone you do not care for and who is grumpy must be very difficult indeed.

If you want to move this situation forward you need to talk to him in detail about what is needed. Listen to what he wants - if there are things that are impossible for you to do (for whatever reason) then you need to say that to him. He will get angry and annoyed I am sure, but what other way forward is there for you both? Care of any kind cannot be arranged without his say-so.

You need to be clear with him about the extent to which you feel able to provide care, so he is given the chance to have his say with your parameters clear in his mind.

It is a very sad situation for both of you.

Go to the Age UK website for very clear information about financing care. And contact your local SSD.

I agree with most of what has been said up thread. You mentioned care home costs. If you have to pay then the average residential home costs £2,816 per month and for a nursing home £3,552 per month.
I cared for my husband for ten years. It was extremely hard work, but for me it was a labour of love. I can sympathise with you if you are in a loveless relationship. Was your husband always 'grumpy' or has his personality changed with his mobility difficulties? Is he also unhappy and resentful? Possibly he is in pain. I hope life improves for you both.

Esspee

This is a warning to those in an unhappy relationship. Get out now.

Exactly this ⬆️

River walk I am not for one minute suggesting that the poster should do more for her husband by cutting back on other commitments. She said it’s all getting a bit too much so I was thinking of ways of reducing the demands on her. Then perhaps she could have more me time.

A while ago I knew someone who was in a similar position to yourself. They did not have the age gap, but any love and respect had left their marriage a long time ago.

She managed by changing their relationship "in her head". She was no longer his wife, but his nurse. He was no longer her husband but a patient under her care.

He remained ungrateful for her care, but she was able to give it in a generous way, with patience and understanding. Because she could then leave the room without resentment, exasperation or disappointment.

Espee Yes yes yes

nursing home £3,552 per month. - this is out of date by a long way. The nursing home that my OH went to in 2019 was about £5800+ per month. I am told the fees have since gone up from that.

Perhaps if you could turn the conversation around, you need him to have a carer so that he is safe in case you are run over by a bus. It worked for my husband! He wasn’t happy at first but did accept it.

Even with careers/other help/fewer demands this miserable relationship isn’t going to improve. OP is still relatively young. In her position I’d extract myself from it and enjoy life. I don’t see any other way forward if she is to get some happiness out of life (though if they divorce she mightn’t come out of it with a lot of money given his situation and needs).