Care home for husband ?

You deserve a life too and if your husband really will not accept help then I would be looking as other options. See a solicitor to find out how you stand financially. Maybe a trial separation? If your marriage has been unhappy it must be very difficult caring for that person especially if they are not prepared to make any compromises. As another poster has said the situation may only get worse.

Thanks for all the advice
I now know I can’t put him in a care home against his will but he has suggested it himself although I don’t think he means it
Anyway the cost is shocking !
He wouldn’t go to a day care either
I have thought about respite care but a week of it round here starts at £950’!
He is besotted with the dog and won’t let me use a dog walker
So this is why it’s so difficult
Our grown up children don’t really offer to help and when I say I am tired , all they say is ´ but what can we do to help mum ? ´

PS I'd be getting a financial POA NOW or at least making a clear formal divide between your finances and assets

can I point out that you can't unilaterally make someone go to day care or respite either

Luckygirl I absolutely agree with you.

Wildswan had a good idea, changing the relationship in your head, instead of wife and lover become his nurse. He has to understand that you cannot manage on your own, wether he likes it or not he has to accept others helping. Make a stand now or it will get worse.

You need to get the rest of his family behind that way of coping contributing to care if they can, you need your own time off duty or your own health will suffer. Thinking forward, make sure you get enough control of the finances, when the time comes for power of attourney.

So sorry to hear about your difficult situation. You are the same sort of age as I am, but my difficult husband took himself off several years ago. I do have experience of my father breaking his hip and expecting my mum who was at that time over 90 to do all the looking after. Thank heavens she did, in the end, get carers sorted out as she found herself in the hospital herself, with an injury sustained while caring for him.
I would say that it would be sensible all-around to get both his care needs assessed and your needs assessed. And a benefits check, are you entitled to anything because of looking after him. And is he entitled to a blue badge? That can make things a lot easier even just going to the doctor or the hospital. Does he need a stairlift, special chair, loo seat , caddy for his zimmer, etc while these must have been checked when he was discharged home is this still enough? Sit down and think through what he expects you to do and what he actually needs. Doesn't sound as if he needs your company to does it. He may want you to do things for him but could do them himself. What [apart from not having the old curmudgeon around the place] would make life better for you, what do you need to give up to skivvy around him. Don't give up helping our daughter or your dog, you need to have something for yourself. Would it help to have a cleaner, a gardener, or to have more ready prepared meals for times you are busy? Go for whatever it takes, it will be much cheaper than a home.

No, you can't unilaterally put him in a home, if he has his faculties. You also can't force him to go today centres or anything like that, although the community nurse or social services might be able to persuade him to go, for his health's sake, I visit one in normal times and the old guys sit together, b choice, and play dominos etc, but it sounds as if he would not enjoy that either. But you could unilaterally get carers.
But you don't need to be his nursemaid. Honestly, if my now ex-husband had needed care he would have been similar to yours, although the age gap was not that great and it would have been an absolute nightmare and am so glad I won't be in that situation. He never helped me when I had problems at all, even when for instance, I had a nasty burn on my hand and needed to keep it dry, I still had to do the washing up, I could keep it dry but it was painful to put the hand in warm water, no help with washing either, or other things that were harder because of my hand being bandaged up, for example, I had to be at death's door before I could rely on any help from him with anything throughout our marriage if I was poorly or injured.
At this point, you have to consider that if you did divorce, would take both your needs into account, and he would obviously have lots of needs, and you probably would face criticism for abandoning him, even though his behaviour is so very unreasonable. But you yourself need an assessment as a carer for someone with these additional needs
Does his child or children keep in touch with him, would he listen to them [I assume not] but are you in a good enough relationship with them to discuss things?
Your story is really a good reason why no one should stay in an unhappy marriage

Aldom - I went to see cheaper homes and there is no way on this earth that I would have allowed my OH to set foot in them.

Good ideas on here I think
- Day care to get a break (both of you)
- Cut down on commitments
- Change the way you think about your relationship

Lots of people have been there.

Also, what can he do? I would be very grumpy in his place if the answer was absolutely nothing.

Good luck.

Luckygirl The figures I quoted are Average costs, taken from www.carehome.uk and updated by them April 2021 I know care home costs can be far higher, as a family member recently was paying similar to yourself.

Is there a day care centre nearby that he can go to for a day or two a week ?
A lot of these centres are beginning to open up now and just for you to have a day off for your self and for husband to perhaps widen his social circle may help both of you.
Added to the fact that he may see that he isn't the only one that has mobility problems like he has. A lot of the day cares will provide transport.

Carers not careers!

Even with careers/other help/fewer demands this miserable relationship isn’t going to improve. OP is still relatively young. In her position I’d extract myself from it and enjoy life. I don’t see any other way forward if she is to get some happiness out of life (though if they divorce she mightn’t come out of it with a lot of money given his situation and needs).

Perhaps if you could turn the conversation around, you need him to have a carer so that he is safe in case you are run over by a bus. It worked for my husband! He wasn’t happy at first but did accept it.

nursing home £3,552 per month. - this is out of date by a long way. The nursing home that my OH went to in 2019 was about £5800+ per month. I am told the fees have since gone up from that.

Espee Yes yes yes

A while ago I knew someone who was in a similar position to yourself. They did not have the age gap, but any love and respect had left their marriage a long time ago.

She managed by changing their relationship "in her head". She was no longer his wife, but his nurse. He was no longer her husband but a patient under her care.

He remained ungrateful for her care, but she was able to give it in a generous way, with patience and understanding. Because she could then leave the room without resentment, exasperation or disappointment.

River walk I am not for one minute suggesting that the poster should do more for her husband by cutting back on other commitments. She said it’s all getting a bit too much so I was thinking of ways of reducing the demands on her. Then perhaps she could have more me time.

Esspee

This is a warning to those in an unhappy relationship. Get out now.

Exactly this ⬆️

I agree with most of what has been said up thread. You mentioned care home costs. If you have to pay then the average residential home costs £2,816 per month and for a nursing home £3,552 per month.
I cared for my husband for ten years. It was extremely hard work, but for me it was a labour of love. I can sympathise with you if you are in a loveless relationship. Was your husband always 'grumpy' or has his personality changed with his mobility difficulties? Is he also unhappy and resentful? Possibly he is in pain. I hope life improves for you both.

The most important thing here is to realise that you cannot put him into a care home. Unless he does not have mental capacity (and that would need to be professionally assessed) he has to agree to going into a care home.

I do fully understand your dilemma. I was in a similar situation with my OH - there were moments when, to my shame, I could not help feeling a bit resentful, especially as his illness gradually changed who he was. If yours has not been a happy marriage then this must be many times worse for you. Do not beat yourself up about that - you feel what you feel.

Being a 24 hour a day carer to someone you do not care for and who is grumpy must be very difficult indeed.

If you want to move this situation forward you need to talk to him in detail about what is needed. Listen to what he wants - if there are things that are impossible for you to do (for whatever reason) then you need to say that to him. He will get angry and annoyed I am sure, but what other way forward is there for you both? Care of any kind cannot be arranged without his say-so.

You need to be clear with him about the extent to which you feel able to provide care, so he is given the chance to have his say with your parameters clear in his mind.

It is a very sad situation for both of you.

Go to the Age UK website for very clear information about financing care. And contact your local SSD.

I think the problem here is the relationship not your husband's lack of mobility or your "other duties" and "chores".

Could you talk to each other maybe?
Could you do some couples counselling?
Can you cut back on your other commitments?

After all, if your husband wasn't there, instead of having to do most of the chores around the house you would then be having to do all the chores round the house.

A long unhappy marriage to a grumpy man 17 years older sounds grim.

Get in touch with arers UK They should have a branch more local to you and will be able to advise you on a practical level and also emotionally too.

There is also Age UK too

Like others have said, if your husband has capacity then the decision isn't yours anyway but there are other options including assisted living type communities which seem to work well for some people. I suspect the carers association will suggest you have a carers assessment f you haven't had one already. It is normal to feel resentful and suffocated when the person you are caring for isn't very nice to you. It is very, very difficult being a carer. So hopefully you can get some emotional support for yourself too, have you spoken to your GP about how you feel?

I help my daughter with the children

That reads as though she isn’t your husband’s daughter? Is it a second marriage for you, or both of you?

It certainly sounds a miserable life all round.