Care home for husband ?

In fact OP,does not mention any care she has to give husband.
Having mobility issues surely does not automatically mean a lot of “care”.
I think she’s just fed up with her grumpy old husband! In which case she has a decision to make doesn’t she ?

I reckon you might be right MawBe!

Why do I think OP is unlikely to return?

Mr Notjusta is recovering from a broken hip, OP doesn't say that he needs personal care, just that he doesn't really do anything and is grumpy. He sounds bored, still in pain and cross with life in general! DH was similar, and although he was resistant to the idea at first. agreed to try a mobility scooter. He's now off to watch local cricket, bowls, football, and potter about the town. OP's DH could perhaps do the same, and take the dog out himself? Also, get a carer's assessment and perhaps try a carers' course, meet other people in the same situation and sometimes other people's solutions to problems can be very helpful.

It does rather sound like you just want out. If he was 63, and you were 46, what would you have liked to have done then? You presumably wouldn’t be thinking care homes, more separation and divorce. Is that a route you could take? Would he need to be in a home so you could accomplish this?

It sounds like you’ve had enough, but because he’s so much older, it’s difficult.

Why not try talking it through. Have you ever done this? I think you need to work out a way of either working together, or working apart. Why did you put up with it for so long?

I wish you well whatever you decide to do.

GrannySomerset

I sympathise with the poster but think that with a little compromise on both sides life could be a lot easier for both of them. I am not a natural carer and am endlessly frustrated by DH’s utter lack of logic, and think some posters have a very rosy view of the help available because my experience is that there is remarkably little. Lots of suggestions here to pursue but don’t be too hopeful. The dog is obviously the easiest problem to solve, as is a cleaner, and both would give the poster a bit of respite. Good luck.

Sorry you got little help but at least I know I'm not the only one. It sometimes feels like I'm in a different universe.

To add to my joy I am now immobile as I slipped last night, broke my ankle and I'm in alot of pain. Bloody awkward when you are the carer. Don't know how we are going to cope.

I expect that I sounded judgemental too, but yes, I've been there and I really resented caring for a husband who'd become spiteful and violent at times. In my mind the 'ill version' was an entirely different person (my way of coping mentally) as the illness had taken over and destroyed a much loved partner. I was grieving for the one I lost - but caring for the imposter due to the love I still felt.

My GP said that if I couldn't cope I always had the option of just putting my coat on and leaving - not really practical when I'd be taking four kids, a dog and three cats with me, though.

A care home won't be the answer, either. I expect Notjustaprettyface will feel compelled to visit (daily) troubleshoot, monitor - and try to compensate for the failings she finds in the care provided. A particular problem is neglect at night. There are no minimum staffing requirements at night, when many elderly residents are wide awake.

A lot of people go downhill quickly in care (just look at the statistics on life expectancy) and relatives are left feeling guilty failures.

It's a big shock to find that there's not much help out there, your husband refuses it, you're on your own - and have to stick up for yourself. Mine spent an extra week in hospital once, when I said I was away and unavailable!

Your first and easiest priority is a good dog trainer.

Then get in the local NHS physiologist and the NHS team who assess the physical needs of the disabled person.

You should assess your own housekeeping and cut it down to priorities. E.g. get rid of unnecessary furniture and small stuff, and make it easy to clean.

Psychologically you need to think of yourself as care giver and lower your expectations (such as they were)of your husband.

If you can sort out the practical issues that will give you more energy for dealing with an cantankerous patient.

Please come back Notjustaprettyface and tell us what he can do and what he used to like when he was more mobile.

Also, if he wasn't grumpy would that be enough for you or is there a deeper problem?

I sympathise with the poster but think that with a little compromise on both sides life could be a lot easier for both of them. I am not a natural carer and am endlessly frustrated by DH’s utter lack of logic, and think some posters have a very rosy view of the help available because my experience is that there is remarkably little. Lots of suggestions here to pursue but don’t be too hopeful. The dog is obviously the easiest problem to solve, as is a cleaner, and both would give the poster a bit of respite. Good luck.

OP is he getting any physio to help with his mobility. I don't think you've said when he had the accident last year so could be 6 months or 18 months but hopefully his mobility will improve and when he is more mobile and more able to care for himself you may want to plan for the future e.g. sell the family home and both go your own ways.

I have a couple of elderly relatives who have broken their hips, one several years older than your husband, and both had good results, probably not 100% but close.

I am going to sound judgemental, but really, is OP’s husband at the bottom of the pecking order in their family?
First the housework. OP says she does most of the chores (well that’s an improvement on some with husbands with dementia, life limiting illness or disability) - why not get a cleaner!
This boisterous dogs needs to be walked? Well the exercise is probably good for OP but if it is too much for her, there are dog walkers for perhaps a regular daily walk to give her some time to herself.
Finally - the daughter and grandchildren, OP doesn’t say how much time she spends and I’d be the last to discourage a couple of hours with the grandchildren - they probably make a change from her grumpy H.
Finally -H.
He is 80 - that’s not quite in his dotage, I count many 80 year olds among my friends, some in good health, most with joint replacements of one sort or another, some in better health than others - but none in their dotage.
These all sound like excuses - OP is clearly tired of having a H 17 years older than her - did she not see that coming?
It is hard to be locked into what sounds like a loveless relationship- or is it just inconvenient- but unless OP has a spare £4K or so available each month for a care home and indeed if her H likes the idea I think she may find it is not as easy as she seems to think.

Reading the op again, if husband has “only” a broken hip surely this doesn’t mean a whole army of carers, respite care etc?

Rather than spend money on care homes surely just pay to have a cleaner, a gardener etc.

Stand your ground, talk to husband about what you will and won’t do and do some things for yourself for goodness sake. Alternatively do you want to separate ?

Esspee

This is a warning to those in an unhappy relationship. Get out now.

My thoughts exactly on reading this

Barbarama, “somebody” has to care for her husband in his declining years, divorcing him and walking away is easy but doesn’t solve the problem, the OP is trying to do the best, without killing herself.
She says she has been married a long time and wants to care for him but needs help, a friend had a similar problem, it was solved by some tough talking and her husband accepting that he had to be reasonable in his demands, help was organized, family helped too.

I would think that you need an assessment from social services to work out what's assistance you need. In our area you would need to contact Adult Social Care. I also know of cases where the cost of care has been met by the council. Depends on circumstances. You don't know what help you may get unless you ask. You could also get your children to walk the dog on a regular basis to start.

What about some respite care for a week every few months(Social Services can help but there will be a charge), to give you a break, and perhaps some type of help around the house for yourself to help. Does he have any other family beside you and your daughter? Could someone give you an hour or two weekly that would also give you some " me time". It is hard being a full time carer ( I know I am one to my husband) But at the end of the day how would you feel if you roles had been reversed and you had been the one to have the fall and he just put you in a home.

@BlueBelle, in your opinion, maybe. In mine, not. Shall we flip a coin? Honestly, I don’t want to argue with you but you seem to be taking everything very personally.

We’ve been given a very brief snapshot into a poster’s life and you and I have given our opinions, whether welcome or not, based on the learning from our own individual lived experiences.

I am reading what you are reading but I am drawing my own conclusions, as are you. For all we know, and the OP hasn’t said this, the adult children could be staying away as they have endured years of their father’s grumpy, unpleasant behaviour, especially if they don’t want their own children to be on the receiving end?

Maybe the OP would like to have the ability to be able to travel back in time to a place where she felt emotionally, socially and financially able to have left her relationship? Or maybe, like my own mother, she’s been so brow-beaten over the years and decades by a ‘grumpy’ husband, who won’t even allow her to make her life easier by organising a dog walker for their mutual pet, that she is unable to make a decision that would benefit her own existence. I am surprised by what I consider your victim blaming approach ie she should have made her escape years ago but now it’s too late. I would beg to differ: life is very short and we are all entitled to live the very best life we are able without any obligation or duty to those who simply do not appreciate, value or treat us well.

And, please, don’t try to shut me down because we don’t agree with each other.

That’s a bit rude to say you ve gone bavk to the 1940s Barbarmana*
I m not saying the original poster should look after him just that there’s two sides to the story he’s broken a hip not got dementia or Parkinson’s or a terminal illness he may be unhappy, in pain, bored, lost control can’t take his dog out etc etc Poster sounds as if she should have got out of the relationship years ago and just because she didn’t doesn’t mean she has the right to decide to put the old boy into a care home and she does say although he said he’d go in a care home she doesn’t think he means it
I fell sorry for both people in this equation and there needs to be a compromise
I still don’t see why he can’t use an electric mobility scooter to get out wouldn’t you be grumpy stuck in

And it's really hard to talk about I have watched this happen a couple of times to people I know but would feel disloyal talking about it even on an anonymous forum. Caring is a skill, and not everyone is suited to it.

Barbamama

@BlueBelle, honestly, I meant no offence, and I agree, I have brought up my two children solo. I’m just a bit surprised that the prevailing view is that the OP should just put up with her unhappy lot. And people are tying themselves up in knots to find ‘solutions’ that would keep her grumpy husband at home, even though he says he wants to go into a care home - and she wants him to. Truly, I think it’s okay to admit our limitations in life and decide where our lines in the sand lie.

I’m more commonly found on Mumsnet rather than Gransnet so maybe I’m out of synch with the gender divide attitudes here? (I felt like I’d time-travelled back to the 1940s reading some of the responses, I’m sorry to say.

I don't think she has to do anything but it is important to remember he doesn't have to go into a home if he has capacity to make decisions

My elderly relative was a danger to herself and others, me included as the stress of trying to sort things out was making me ill, but social services, the hospital, the GP wouldn't help. At 83 with dementia she actually assaulted the manager at one home I took her to see. I eventually employed a private social worker who arranged everything and got her into a home that had a manager with enough about her to manage to hang onto her until a deprivation of liberties could be done and that took weeks. It was truly the most stressful thing I've ever coped with and I say that as someone who has been my husband's carer for 30 years so I wasn't entirely naive about the system.

The thing that is hard to get your head round (well it was for me) was someone can be making very bad decisions, even very dangerous decisions but if they have capacity there is nothing you can do about it.

At least I wasn't sharing a home with her, it must be even harder in the OPs position because if he won't go into a home what does she do? Leave if she has anywhere to go or stay and do nothing for him. I think it would be harder to do than to say.

It's also important to remember that if the LA don't agree he needs a home they won't pay anything towards a care home even if he has no resources. I couldn't get anything other than attendance allowance for my relative although she couldn't possibly continue to live alone, she was locking carers out and refusing to have shopping delivered but assuring the social worker she was eating and the social worker was quite happy to accept that without further proof.

If this government can sort out social care I will be totally amazed but very impressed.

If I were your husband I'd be pretty grumpy too. You can find time to look after the dog and your very young grandchildren but you don't want to care for your husband. That said, you also seem to be ruled by your husband in that he won't let you get a dog walker or a carer. You obviously need to have that conversation about life balance and how his needs can't come before yours. Maybe if he would give a little and you gave a little, you would feel a little less resentful and he would feel less grumpy.
You can also get a carer's assessment from your Local Authority and and they can help arrange respite care, carers, some company for him, etc. They will look at your savings and tell you what you need to pay. They can also look at whether you are entitled to benefits to pay someone. It might be worth exploring.
If he is suggesting going into a home as a way of guilt tripping you, take him to see some and talk about it as if it is a done deal. He might become more responsive to an alternative.

I actually think gender and generational attitudes are a really interesting discussion to be had but maybe not on this thread. I am in my 40s so not old but I think the expectations on women, wives and mothers still continue and society does expect women to pick up the tab and people really don't like honesty around the issues carers face. It's why I always suggest the carers organisations as I think they can be an outlet for people to explore how they feel.

Carers aren't dropped from the sky with a halo to polish and as you say galaxy, those being cared for deserve to cared for properly too. I do think limitations are things that are really overlooked and will continue to be because of lack of funding

@BlueBelle, honestly, I meant no offence, and I agree, I have brought up my two children solo. I’m just a bit surprised that the prevailing view is that the OP should just put up with her unhappy lot. And people are tying themselves up in knots to find ‘solutions’ that would keep her grumpy husband at home, even though he says he wants to go into a care home - and she wants him to. Truly, I think it’s okay to admit our limitations in life and decide where our lines in the sand lie.

I’m more commonly found on Mumsnet rather than Gransnet so maybe I’m out of synch with the gender divide attitudes here? (I felt like I’d time-travelled back to the 1940s reading some of the responses, I’m sorry to say.

Can want = he can desire and demand anything he wants
I know it is not fully grammatically correct