Ultra possessive grandparents?

Good grief, why is he suddenly a paedophile? Very annoying and irritating maybe. I’ve met a few like that. Can’t hold down a decent conversation, and talks to everyone as if they’re children!
Yes, they should run everything past the parents first, as regards sweets etc. Other than that OP, just avoid them, and as others say, see them separately. I agree SIL needs to reign his parents in, and have a good chat.
Good luck.

Hithere

A person who encourages a child to keep secrets from his/her parents is a deal breaker for me.

Your son and dil need more nuclear time and all grandparents need to calm down - this is not a competition.
That poor child, so many expectations on him.

Daughter has a husband problem and I hope she puts her foot down soon.

Have you read the op?

The GP are not competing. Only one of them needs to calm down.

The parents are on the same page, albeit taking their time to make a decision about their next move.

If GP hasn't listened to his other son and dil yet, Cuffetta99 and is still doing as he wishes, perhaps both couples could talk to him together - strength in numbers!!(as Holysox has already said).

Perhaps one of his sons should ask him why he needs to behave in this way?

Yes, I read the OP.

I don’t agree namsnanny both sets of grandparents need to find other entertainment
Poor child why do you have to visit five times a week and then with the other grandparents Far too much attention
Why does there have to be these big meet ups
The poor parents must be demented with four competing grandparents round most days Find something else to do and stop suffocating then Once or twice a week is way more than enough

Yep, I'm afraid I am with M0nica and co with the behaviour which could be something untoward, especially when secrets are part and parcel of the deal. I have known 2 family abusers and in each case, they couldn't keep their hands off the child. One of them was the same with my child and I very quickly stepped in to ensure that he was never left alone with him. Unfortunately, another child in the family was not so lucky. Of course it maybe nothing to worry about but the trouble with these things is, once they've happened it is devastating for the child and you can't turn back time. Better to be vigilant and overly cautious.

Hello BlueBelle
Thank you for making me re read the op to see why I made those comments.

From what I ve read, Cuffetta99 is invited by Mum to babysit, 5 times a week, because she has a garden ( and has been in their bubble) so mum can have a break. (See 14.50)

Also this meet up was a one off, so I dont think the little boy is suffering with too much attention from 3 of th GP's.
If anything, paternal G is missing out.

All the discussion by the parents centres on the paternal GF. At no point do they (according to Cuffetta99) mention being suffocated by anyone. Even the over possessive GP.

Sometimes the nuances are lost in translation

Perhaps the title of the thread should have been 'ultra possessive grand father?'.

So mum needs a break 5 times a week !!! namsnanny and as the other grandparents haven’t seen the child for 18 months why couldn’t they have had a visit on their own

BlueBelle

So mum needs a break 5 times a week !!! namsnanny and as the other grandparents haven’t seen the child for 18 months why couldn’t they have had a visit on their own

I say this with no intention to irk you but, I think you're missing the point BlueBelle

I dont agree or disagree with visiting 5 times a week.
Thats just what was said in the op.

The paternal GP's do have visits on their own (see reply 14.50) at the weekend.

This particular weekend the maternal GP's wanted everyone to get together as they hadnt seen one another since before lockdown.
Just a sociable get together, that Cuffetta99 later said she probably wont do again!!

Anyway, I answered your post as you quoted me, but really the Op Cuffetta99 would be able to give you more full answers.

So mum needs a break 5 times a week !!!

Apparently so and that is entirely up to her and the OP providing the garden and the break! It is not what the post is about!

as the other grandparents haven’t seen the child for 18 months why couldn’t they have had a visit on their own

The OP has explained that this was the first time they had all met since the grandson was born and also that he had seen more of his other GPs in the last few weeks! Presumably if grandsons parents had invited both sets of grandparents at the same time, that is also up to them!!

I really cannot understand why the OP is being given such a hard time when she is just understandably asking for views and advice specifically on the apparently OTT behaviour of the Grandad!!

Smileless, you're right that would bring clarity

Yes I agree Madgran77, it's the unusual behaviour of the paternal GF that is the cause for consternation, and the thrust of the post.

Which M0nica and many others have said, might be worrying.

But just an observation, doesnt it say a lot about how difficult it is for men to show love and attention to children now, in our society?

Namsnanny I think it's the granddad's secrecy and insisting on taking the child away by himself all the time that's giving the cause for concern.
He's upsetting all the other adults involved. At best he's on an ego trip.

And BTW for clarity, I agree with Hithere in so much as the secrets about chocolate etc., the other GC have been asked to keep, is a complete nono.
Should be talked about with GP and GC together. So everyone is clear.

X posts V3ra

Yes I agree about the secrets entirely. No faffing about.
Stopping this behaviour should be the focus of any parent or GP.

But there is no denying that things have changed with regards to men's behaviour with children.

Maybe it's necessary, but as I only know good kind men, I just see their perspective a little.

Sent you a PM Namsnanny

Thank you all for your suggestions. I had a long talk with my daughter who is also not happy with the monopolising behaviour but was trying to be accommodating for her husband and mil /fil as she knows it’s been hard for them during lockdown. She is going to tell her husband she’s not happy with the going off and get him to reiterate what was said about doing it with the other GC by the other son. Which will be hard for him.
We think the GF has self esteem and self confidence issues which he passed on to his sons.
He won’t be allowed to do that to his GS.

Right. From those of you who made sensitive, objective comments thank you so much, you really helped!!
For the rest who seem to imply that it’s wrong for me to help my daughter and GS for a couple of hours on weekdays. I kind of wish I hadn’t posted this. You clearly didn’t read the original post properly or I wasn’t clear enough. Read it again. Or don’t . I’ve really had enough of this. I only wanted advice from Granny’s who had something constructive to say, not veiled criticism and inaccurate assumptions about this. I only want the best for our GS. So do his parents. Which is why I will be more careful about asking for help in the future.

I think I understand your comments Cuffetta99

Sorry but is this another poster taking umbrage having asked for advice ?! Or rather only advice which implies absolutely no criticism whatsoever of self.

I too understand your post but I still maintain there seems to be a huge amount of GP involvement per week.

I asked for advice about an issue with a possessive GP. From people who had experience of it.
I did not ask or expect advice about my helping my daughter during lockdown, trapped in a small flat with no garden and an energetic toddler who couldn’t go out much. That I could deal with. That’s normal.
Not what the OP was about at all.

Apologies if anyone made you feel uncomfortable Cuffetta99?

Cuffetta99, just to tackle the “secrets” thing, I had this with my MIL, my DH got very defensive of her because of various other issues, so I framed it with him as a safeguarding issue and didn’t mention her at all. We told everyone involved in our children’s lives that “don’t tell mum and dad” about anything was normalising secrecy and could leave them open and vulnerable to other adults who may not have good intentions. So that even something as innocent (like with my MIL) like sneaking sweeties, was setting them up to be manipulated later and accept that adults can ask them to keep secrets about more serious stuff.

Anyway, if your daughter brings it up or is open to advice, I just wanted to share my strategy which worked quite well to keep DH on board and a way to communicate it to all the adults in our DC’s lives, without anyone getting defensive.

Thank you Namsnanny and Lolo81. Much appreciated! ❤️