Ultra possessive grandparents?

As a male, and a grandfather four times over, I find the behaviour of the GF in question decidedly odd, and a little creepy.

Excellent advice Lolo81

Cuffetta99 perhaps a childhood experience makes me wary but relatives can be paedophiles too. I am not saying this is the case with GF but child and parents need to be very comfortable with any adult before a child is left alone with them. I've just started childcare for a toddler and spent many hours in the house with parents there before I cared for the child without them. It meant that the child was very happy to stay with me when parents were at work (also 5 days!). I think though you and your GC's parents seem very sensible and will resolve this quite quickly. Good for you for being so caring, skim over the negative comments.

I wanted to post the signs of grooming to look for. I am sure you all know these already, but it is always good to have a reminder.

www.rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs

Remember, grooming doesn't just occur in instances of sexual abuse. My own mother groomed my children for years and I had no idea. It was all emotional abuse that ended in attempted parental alienation (or that is what it would be called if my mother was my spouse). It still had a devastating effect on my kids.

It is good that you are all aware of the behavior and find it strange. He may never turn out to be anything other than an overzealous grandparent with no boundaries. Lets hope so.

Sorry but is this another poster taking umbrage having asked for advice ?! Or rather only advice which implies absolutely no criticism whatsoever of self.

I know that happens Lucca and have seen it several times on GN. However in this case I don't think it is a fair criticism. Cuffetta was asking for advice on a specific issue from anyone who had similar experiences or who had suggestions. Why should she then have to put up with an analysis of the arrangements on childcare support for her daughter which are completely unrelated and which information was only given to give an overall context to her worries. She said nothing that suggested over possessiveness atall, in fact the opposite with her efforts to include the other grandmother. I am not surprised that she is irritated by such comments which bear no relation to her clear OP or to her problem she asked advice on.

Cuffetta I hope you feel able to update on how things go for your daughter and SIL in dealing with this and for your family.

Cuffetta99

I asked for advice about an issue with a possessive GP. From people who had experience of it.
I did not ask or expect advice about my helping my daughter during lockdown, trapped in a small flat with no garden and an energetic toddler who couldn’t go out much. That I could deal with. That’s normal.
Not what the OP was about at all.

I understand you OP. Whether or not you see your grandchild too often is not the issue here, and not to be decided by us. You want advice on the grandfather’s behaviour. Of course, he may behave like that because he thinks ( not me ), that you’re monopolising the time with your grandson. That doesn’t explain why he pushes his wife out though.

You all know your family best, and how it works. I’ve spent much more time generally, with daughters children, than sons. It’s the way of things. Daughters usually gravitate towards their mums, although not always. I’m sure there are exceptions.

As I said before, the grandfather shouldn’t be doing this, he needs talking to, but it worries me that people jump to the conclusion that he’s a paedophile.

Well said Madgran

Well said Madgran
I think another new poster had a similar reaction to her first post, and decided enough was enough.
Its worrying if posters dont read threads before they comment.

Namsnanny

Well said Madgran
I think another new poster had a similar reaction to her first post, and decided enough was enough.
Its worrying if posters dont read threads before they comment.

Well I did read the thread. My comments were more in the nature of suggestions based on what I had read in the OP, not criticisms.

DiscoDancer 1975 ... I would like to add to your comment that
‘ It does sound strange, but would think he’s being too obvious about it for it to be sinister. ‘ This is classic grooming behaviour, it becomes the norm for GD to take GC off on his own, so after awhile no one questions it. Added to the fact that GC are groomed to keep secrets as well, I would be very concerned.

SueBdoo70

DiscoDancer 1975 ... I would like to add to your comment that
‘ It does sound strange, but would think he’s being too obvious about it for it to be sinister. ‘ This is classic grooming behaviour, it becomes the norm for GD to take GC off on his own, so after awhile no one questions it. Added to the fact that GC are groomed to keep secrets as well, I would be very concerned.

Yes exactly!

I’m not saying this is the case, but it does happen.

Many adults report they were molested in public with their parents around. Just no one noticed.

SueBdoo70

DiscoDancer 1975 ... I would like to add to your comment that
‘ It does sound strange, but would think he’s being too obvious about it for it to be sinister. ‘ This is classic grooming behaviour, it becomes the norm for GD to take GC off on his own, so after awhile no one questions it. Added to the fact that GC are groomed to keep secrets as well, I would be very concerned.

Yes, I do understand that, and know it can and does happen. That’s why I said the grandfather needs ‘ keeping an eye on’. I just feel, as some other posters have said, that it all seems a bit quick to accuse him of something so serious, when the likelihood is, he’s just trying to get more time with his grandson. Monopolising someone said.

I would personally not allow it if it were me, but it really is up to the parents to sort out.

Well I did read the thread. My comments were more in the nature of suggestions based on what I had read in the OP, not criticisms

Did I misunderstand your comment Lucca?

As an afterthought, the sons know their father very well? I would have thought alarm bells would be ringing somewhere, with this sort of behaviour, if there was the chance it wasn’t innocent.
Could be wrong though. I have no experience of any kind of abuse.

Have you ever thought he might be getting his own back for you being your daughters birth partner? Shouldn't that have been her husband? Competing over grandchildren is pointless, they will eventually choose the ones they like to be with whatever you do or bribe them.
Why do you feel sorry for his wife she obviously doesn't mind her husband's actions or she would not still be with him.
Keep away when they are there and let them have their time, You get yours why should they have to share with you in doing so you will also deprive him of his audience.
There's nothing more irritating than a person showing you how friendly and close they are to your grandchildren or your own children.
I'm sounding hard here and I know it BUT it might be how the other grandparents feel.
As for paedophilia, he sounds to me like a pathetic man who does not know how to be relaxed and friendly in front of other people. If children are being bribed they will soon catch on and make an idiot of him or tell

Yammy

Have you ever thought he might be getting his own back for you being your daughters birth partner? Shouldn't that have been her husband? Competing over grandchildren is pointless, they will eventually choose the ones they like to be with whatever you do or bribe them.
Why do you feel sorry for his wife she obviously doesn't mind her husband's actions or she would not still be with him.
Keep away when they are there and let them have their time, You get yours why should they have to share with you in doing so you will also deprive him of his audience.
There's nothing more irritating than a person showing you how friendly and close they are to your grandchildren or your own children.
I'm sounding hard here and I know it BUT it might be how the other grandparents feel.
As for paedophilia, he sounds to me like a pathetic man who does not know how to be relaxed and friendly in front of other people. If children are being bribed they will soon catch on and make an idiot of him or tell

Did you miss where OP invited them on her time?

If anything, the paternal GPs encroached on her time

Madgran77

*Well I did read the thread. My comments were more in the nature of suggestions based on what I had read in the OP, not criticisms*

Did I misunderstand your comment Lucca?

Sorry which one?

Madgran do you mean where I said there seemed to a lot of grandparents involvement ? Well it’s true !

No I didn't mean that Lucca. As I quoted, I was referring to this comment that you made:

Sorry but is this another poster taking umbrage having asked for advice ?! Or rather only advice which implies absolutely no criticism whatsoever of self

As I explained in my post above I do not think that is fair criticism in this case.

There does appear to be quite a lot of grandparent involvement, yes. But what has that got to do with the problem the OP was asking about? She has subsequently explained the reasons for her level of involvement at the moment, seems reasonable to me under the circumstances, but either way, its not mine or anyone else's business and its not what she asked for advice about

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Trolls ?? How do you work that one out ?

Anyway Clearly I misunderstood absolutely everything about this entire story so I’m out.

Cuffetta Glad that your family have a way forward. Hope all goes well.

Madgran77, you’ve been great. Thank you very much ??

Cuffetta best of luck for the future.

Cuffeta despite some exasperation you seem to have picked up some useful advice and have been able to come up with a way to handle the over-possessive grandfather between you. I wish you all well x