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Daughter moving away

(48 Posts)
Mumofthree Wed 07-Jul-21 22:19:27

Just found out my daughter is moving away in a few months, shes met someone who lives an hour and a half away and they are going to find a place together. I haven't met him yet as they've only met a few times. I'm so upset that she's moving as we are very close, I'm worried because she's not long been divorced and hasn't really thought about this. I know she is grown up but our family is so small and he has a huge family and I know she will love that but she hardly knows him. I'm so worried and haven't stopped crying all night. I will miss her coming round for a cuppa and a chat as she lives in same town as me at the minute but I think its all too quick and I'm panicking a bit. I'm sure he's lovely and I will get to meet him soon she said. I am missing her before she's even a wreck. Any advice please....

M0nica Wed 07-Jul-21 23:15:43

She is an adult making her own decisions for good or ill. I feel that you are rather over reacting to a grown woman running her own life.

Perhaps it would be good for you to be less involved in your daughter's life than you are now.

V3ra Wed 07-Jul-21 23:49:29

I can understand your worries given that your daughter has recently divorced and you haven't met this new man yet.
But she's said you'll meet him soon, and she's not planning to move for a few months.
Hopefully by then you'll know more about him and feel more confident about the situation.
Try not to panic x

Namsnanny Wed 07-Jul-21 23:51:18

Deep breath. It's a shock as you have come to rely on and enjoy her company.

Obviously she is an integral part of your life. So you will have quite a few changes coming up.

Please try to reserve your energy for yourself.
Any mistakes she makes, are her own. Let her make them.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight. smile

Infinity2 Wed 07-Jul-21 23:58:51

Firstly stay calm and try not to say anything that could cause a rift between you and your daughter. I understand your concern for her regarding the speed of the new relationship and your dismay at her moving away from you. I would imagine you have given her a lot of support during the difficult times relating to her divorce. Very little in life is set in stone and lots of plans never actually come to fruition and some of those that do, don’t last long term. Be supportive and see how things pan out. Social media/ Skype/ Facebook are all useful in bridging a physical distance. Your daughter is just trying to turn a corner and find some happiness. Let her take the chance. I’m sure she’ll love you for it.

NotSpaghetti Thu 08-Jul-21 00:08:46

90 mins is not so far.
Try to be pleased she's not moving abroad if you can.

When we truly love someone we have to let them fly.

Be brave.

Mouseybrown60 Thu 08-Jul-21 00:20:03

NotSpagghetti is right, 90 minutes is no distance. Let her fly and don’t even think of dissuading her. My son and grandchildren live in Singapore. It’s very hard on us but we know that he’s happy over there. That’s the most important thing for us.

Hithere Thu 08-Jul-21 00:35:21

It is good your dd is rebulding her life!

Give yourself a night as party, pint of icecream, cry it out and reset your expectations.

Hithere Thu 08-Jul-21 00:37:11

As pity party

Redhead56 Thu 08-Jul-21 01:13:59

My heart goes out to you my daughter left home for uni she was so naive and not street wise. But we had to let her go she said we wrapped her in cotton wool. She graduated and returned home shortly but had met the love of her life there and returned.

Now married and with a family she is very content I wish she was closer but they have to go where the jobs are. Now as a mum she reckons she will be protective even more than I was!

Your daughter is going to a new place with someone you have not met yet. She must be confident with her partner you have brought her up well so trust her judgement and it will get easier for you ?

welbeck Thu 08-Jul-21 01:24:27

i can understand your concern. apart from your missing her, there is her welfare to consider.
she is not long divorced, so may be vulnerable.
she has not known this man long, but is jumping into not only living with him, but doing so in a new town, far away from her support system.
MN would say there are red flags possibly fluttering.
but what can you do about it ? not much at the moment.
just be a good listener, do not share your misgivings, put no pressure on her, chat amiably, and hope if problems do arise she will confide in you, or otherwise deal with them.
big up her confidence generally, and you will help her to cope with anything.
all the best.

Mumofthree Thu 08-Jul-21 04:44:10

I know I sound like I want to keep her close and I know she has to make her own choices, but she has health issues that I'm scared he won't understand because she hides her chronic pain so well as if you met her you'd never believe she has any. I know I'm not giving him much credit but she plays down her condition and I know she has really bad days that see her floored. I wish she'd just slow down and let me get to know him a bit. I don't have a partner to discuss it with and I can't say too much to my daughter in case she falls out with me. I want her to be happy of course, but she's been to see him a handful of times and he has yet to come here. I know I sound irrational I'm just scared. I didnt sleep much and I have to go to work as I don't retire for a few months I'm dreading getting through the day... thank you all for your replies.

BlueBelle Thu 08-Jul-21 05:24:19

She has to make her own mistakes Mumof you have to let go she’s a grown woman We have all been there, you re not alone and many of us are single parents too and yes it’s hard but you cannot live your life through her or for her.
The skill of a parent is to be there IF needed otherwise fade into the background You ll always be her Mum and she ll come to you, of course she will, but she has to be free to make her own choices and her own mistakes
You have to find other things to do in your own life she has become your centre and that’s not good for you or her
You will smother her if you carry on like this

sodapop Thu 08-Jul-21 08:39:44

Agree completely with BlueBelle's post, enjoy your own life Mumofthree and let your daughter live hers. We never stop worrying about our children but keep it within limits.

nanna8 Thu 08-Jul-21 08:50:28

You know I think there is something to be said about arranged marriages. Awful idea but in reality it does often work! Two of my daughters married men that they were just not in tune with. One divorced and remarried but the other one still puts up with mental cruelty and abuse. Everyone in the fam knew but none of us opened our mouths out of respect . Humph.

muse Thu 08-Jul-21 09:11:30

You’ll be there, as always, if and when she needs you.

I have to take a deep breath when thinking about my DS. He rings infrequently and I never stop worrying and wondering. He’s 49. My DD lives about 300 away. The distance has got further and further due to her and myself moving. We are extremely close and make lots of calls. I’m sure you and your daughter will continue to be very close.
Be happy for her.

Shandy57 Thu 08-Jul-21 09:20:56

I hope you are feeling better today. It's good you are close, at least if it doesn't work out with this new man she knows you are always there for her.

Namsnanny Thu 08-Jul-21 11:47:38

No you dont sound irrational, at all.

You have valid worries.
But in all probability, and a little luck they will amount to nothing.

To change ones life around based on a handful of meetings seems more irrational to me.

But it's her life and you wont change her mind, so dont try.

It's easy to say but save your energy for your own battles.

Keep posting if it helps.

Hithere Thu 08-Jul-21 12:21:55

"I wish she'd just slow down and let me get to know him a bit."

It is her who chooses to live with him, not you.
It is her who picks her partner, without the need for parents to get to know him to their satisfaction

As for her medical condition, when you have a chronic one like that, we learn to live with it.
It comes natural to us and we learn to cope. What other choice do we have?

Biologically, parents are supposed to die first, so one day, she would have to manage her health without you.

He may know more about it than you think.
Anyway, it is her medical history and her right to share

Shelflife Fri 09-Jul-21 09:36:47

Mumofthree, I completely understand your fears . It is very difficult to detach from your maternal feelings . Our ' children' will always be our children and we never stop wanting things to go well for them . However , you are no longer responsible for your daughters happiness, any mistakes she may make are her responsibility not yours. Even if you broached the subject with her she would not listen , try and be happy for her , she is not moving too far away and it would be dreadful if she left and there was bad feeling between you. I sincerely hope when you meet her new man that your fears disappear. Go with the flow , wish her well and be happy for her. The important thing is to maintain your good relationship , she knows then you are there should she ever regret her decision. Gooduck to both of you.

stella1949 Fri 09-Jul-21 10:02:44

I can understand, but you do need to step back and let her go.

If she has only "gone to see him" a few times as you say, they have probably been communicating online for a longer time. You'd be surprised how much people get to know each other that way - I met my DH online and didn't meet until we'd been talking for 9 months. By that time we'd told each other everything about ourselves and our lives - we probably knew each other better than anyone else in our lives. If your DD is talking to him that way, she has probably told him everything about herself, and vice versa.

All you can do is to keep the communication open, and be supportive. 90 minutes isn't very far away at all - for some of us our adult children are half a world away. Good luck !

Ski66 Fri 09-Jul-21 10:28:04

An hour and a half is actually no distance at all. Think of the positives - you can meet half way, you can explore new venues together and if the family of her boyfriend is a big family then perhaps new friends too. You sound as though you have a very good relationship with your daughter and I am sure that will continue to be the case.

greenlady102 Fri 09-Jul-21 10:29:01

suck it up and smile

Mumofthree Fri 09-Jul-21 18:46:23

Thank you for the help and advice...I really appreciate it. I think its because she's the youngest and she's got a chronic pain condition and I've never not lived near her. It's so hard as I'll miss her so much, I don't want to choose her life or stop her moving on but I never thought it would be this hard. I only want to at least meet the guy, surely that's normal I don't try and interfere in my kids lives but I'd feel really uneasy if she moved before I had at least seen him once. I help my kids out financially if they need it and we have a good relationship and I won't ruin that. I'm here if she decides it wasn't what she thought it would be. Gonna really miss the chats and her popping in though ?

Hithere Fri 09-Jul-21 18:55:39

How old is she?

Do you want to meet him? Sure!
Does your daughter want you to meet him?