Honest answer? Because I don't think I am. I had a very difficult, poor childhood. I escaped and have worked hard to get a profession. I have more than I ever dreamed of then. A lovely home, good job, beautiful daughter with whom I have a relationship which is so far away from what I had with my parents.
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Relationships
To stay or go?
(92 Posts)I have been with my partner for over 12 years. We are very different people and over the years that's become increasingly apparent. He very much takes care of himself for example I will get in from work and he is already cooking his meal, or even eating it. There will be no sign of a meal for me or my daughter. He plays a very limited role in her life. I don't feel I can rely on him. When I ask for help, which is rare, I often get no. I have had two health scares recently, the first he knew about but didn't wish me luck when I went for my tests, didn't offer to come with me and never enquired about the result. I never bothered telling him about the second as there was no point. I feel like we are together but living separate lives. I worry I'm chasing a dream. Perhaps this is normal? But I feel so lonely and sad. Surely a relationship is caring for each other. I'm so close to leaving.
So if your daughter is worth much more, why not you?
I would tell her to leave. She's worth much more.
OP
What would you tell your dd if she was in this situation?
He is close to his brother and parents but not close enough to talk through what's happening at home. He clearly heard what I said as he's been helpful this weekend.
The cooking thing is him just not thinking. It's not just because I'm at work. I can come out the shower and he's started cooking for himself!
My friend thinks I should leave.
do a list of pluses and minuses
#keep a bit of a journal going forward with both of those
If you think it's not worth staying [maybe some personal counselling might help with this] start making plans for what next
You're not married, so hope the house is in joint names, it would be a good idea maybe, to get some legal advice as to where you both stand with dividing up the assets
It's not unreasonable to eat earlier if he was hungry and you will be late, but not to make just a meal for himself, if he is hungry you and your daughter will be as well, that is where it becomes unreasonable. Or he could have a snack perhaps and eat with you
As for not taking an interest in your health scares and the results of tests, well that sort of thing in retrospect is what my then husband did when he started checking out of the marriage. Would a friend do that?
You say he goes quiet so you don’t know how to discuss things with him. If he’s quiet it doesn’t mean he’s not listening and you need to keep talking to him. That’s 50/50 really, I think, unless you used to be different together. It sounds like you have such a close relationship with your daughter and he doesn’t really have a close relationship with anyone atm. It seems like you’ve already given up on him, if so it’s time to go. If not, suggest counselling then, hopefully, he will have to talk. If he refuses you know it’s not important enough to him to try to save your relationship.
Hithere
Trisher
Justifying staying in an already dead relationship where one partner is checked out and the other is unhappy just because one loves the other one is very teenagerish and shows lack of maturity
I can understand a teenager thinking this - learning from life takes time
A grown up woman with kids? Not at all.
Choose to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy and your partner doesn't care how you feel but don't whine and complain about it.
Hitheregoing for counselling as a couple and individually to explore if anything remains and to examine your own emotions is about as grown up as you can get.
So I don't know who suggested "just staying in a relationship".
How you get out is as important as doing it.
No message in my inbox
pm you
Unfortunately the world does think just one way, Thankfully.
Trisher
Justifying staying in an already dead relationship where one partner is checked out and the other is unhappy just because one loves the other one is very teenagerish and shows lack of maturity
I can understand a teenager thinking this - learning from life takes time
A grown up woman with kids? Not at all.
Choose to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy and your partner doesn't care how you feel but don't whine and complain about it.
PM sent
Only you can decide OP.
Hithere
Love for him has nothing to do.
Love for yourself and your daughter is the key
Love for him has everything to do with what happens. If she leaves because she no longer cares for him that's fine. If she leaves with feelings for him she is likely to spend a long time wondering if she has done the right thing. And that would stop her loving herself (it's called guilt).
As others have said, the relationship is over. I’d get my ducks in a row and leave. Don’t make a song & dance about it. No point scoring, just pack up and go. May the power be with you.
Love for him has nothing to do.
Love for yourself and your daughter is the key
Bluebellwould- I think your last paragraph is spot on.
I wonder if he is just expecting you to leave him in the imminent future?
Do you love him?
If you have to hesitate before answering then make a plan to go, to be settled before the new school term .
Gosh there’s a lot of militant women on here ready to hang, draw and quarter the poor bloke.
I think you need to clearly communicate with him before you throw the baby out with the dishwater. Talking to him doesn’t work very well does it. He gets defensive and stops listening and you can’t help but get emotional which is not surprising.
What I found works is writing it all down in as unemotional way as you can manage and then leaving him the letter to read when you aren’t around. Tell him in bullet points so that it is clear and understandable. Tell him what he does wrong and right, and also say what you think your faults are. Do not threaten leaving etc.I think, that you need to give it your absolute best shot at fixing things, before moving on to end things, if you have to.
You must surely have loved him once, enough to marry him at any rate.
If your hours at work are not regular and predictable perhaps he starts cooking for himself and by the time you get home it’s too late to enlarge the portion.
IMHO, it sounds to me that he is lost and doesn’t know what to do, so has retreated into himself. You sound to me like a very independent and capable woman that actually doesn’t need him and he knows it.
I am on the same page as Poshpaws.
Sorry to hear of your loss Poshpaws i hope the 30 happy years can keep you going.
Life is precious. Existing is not the right choice.x
So sorry to hear that poshpaws. Sending you a hug. ❣️
Leave. It takes a bit of courage, and of course you should find out the legal/financial position you'll be in, but take my example as proof you're doing the right thing ... I had 2 horrid marriages and 1 awful long term relationsip, and then I met the best man in the world who loved me unconditionally and was the bravest, kindest, most generous spirited soul you could hope to meet. I was 37 with 1 child, he was 46, and we spent 30 wonderful years together until he died from Covid last May. But someone like my man is who you deserve. Don't settle for the creep you've described.
I think you need to decide if you really care about him or not. If you do perhaps you should get some counselling both together and individually. It may only lead you to further along the road to seperation but you would have the concillation that you did your very best and be more prepared to move on personally. Good Luck.
So what is your next step?
He showed you he doesnt care
Morning all. I decided to tell him how I'm feeling. I felt that was the fair thing to do. I told him I couldn't carry on as I was, that I'm really struggling and that what we have is a house share. He tried to blame it all on covid restrictions preventing us doing anything together. Told him that wasn't the case. He's now avoiding me or pretending that conversation never happened.
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