To stay or go?

Please get out of the victim mentality. You need to take charge of the situation NOW, enough time has been wasted.

If anything, your daughter is the innocent victim of how she has been raised.

No, you dont need to talk to him. Not at all!
What do you think that will achieve?

You need to make a decision for yourself and your daughter - actions speak louder than words

Talk to a lawyer today and reclaim your life, if you are truly ready for a change.

Thanks all. You are right. I know I need to talk to him, whether he wants to hear it or not. I can't continue as I am. I had just got myself in a tizz thinking I was looking for something that didn't exist.

Regarding my job. It's been the same since we met, just in different organisations. He enjoys the benefits of it...I can support myself, go halves on everything etc.

So, if he read your posts here, would it be a shock? Surprise? Or does he know it already? Is your daughter his as well? You said he has a son.
Honestly, I can imagine how hard it would be to change something you’ve been used to for 12 years, but you’re over halfway there. You’ve got your own money, you sound independent, or very easily could be. You’ve got a good job. Your daughter sounds like she has her head screwed on, and will be of valuable help.
The only thing left is to try and talk, but sounds like you’ve exhausted that.
Easy to say I know, but you’ve no life at the minute. Go for it. Sort out somewhere to rent temporarily, and just go.
I wish you well, and do let us know how everything goes.?

Cooked for himself ... was that when you came in late because of work? Maybe jealous of your job but being a bloke expresses it by sulking, cooking for himself.

Worrying is that he seems 'unconcerned' about your health problems. Is this a communication issue or simply the relationship is dead. Cards on the table time. If you still love each other, sort it out.
Best of luck!

I don't understand why you are worried about initiating the conversation Localandlost you are clearly unhappy now. You can either decide to try and make things better between you or leave the relationship. Surely either have got to be better than how things are now.

Susysue

Localandlost, I am so very sorry to hear of your sadness. I am afraid to say that like me, you are with a selfish, thoughtless, self absorbed, ignorant pig of a man who does not deserve any of your love and attention, or you still in his life. Unlike myself, you can be financially independent of this man as you have a good job. I am making my plans as we speak for a better future for myself. As others have said this is also not a healthy relationship for your daughter either. I know, like me, you will have doubts about the future but we only get one life and there is no repeat. He will never change. Personally I blame my husbands parents for bringing up such a self centered, thoughtless individual but then his father also treated his mother like a modern day slave. Good luck, there is lots of support on here. I hope you find a much happier life x

??????

Localandlost, I am so very sorry to hear of your sadness. I am afraid to say that like me, you are with a selfish, thoughtless, self absorbed, ignorant pig of a man who does not deserve any of your love and attention, or you still in his life. Unlike myself, you can be financially independent of this man as you have a good job. I am making my plans as we speak for a better future for myself. As others have said this is also not a healthy relationship for your daughter either. I know, like me, you will have doubts about the future but we only get one life and there is no repeat. He will never change. Personally I blame my husbands parents for bringing up such a self centered, thoughtless individual but then his father also treated his mother like a modern day slave. Good luck, there is lots of support on here. I hope you find a much happier life x

Definitely just a house share. What bothers me in these more progressive days, is how many women are drawn to difficult relationships. Relationships where they are generally unhappy and appear to me, to be treated as second class citizens. Women who can’t seem to stand up for themselves, or afraid to. Why is this? If my OH behaved in the ways in which so many of those mentioned on GN do, I’m afraid he would have got short shrift. Is it perhaps the inbuilt view of a lot of women, that they can only be complete if there is a man at her side? Surely it is understood that this doesn’t have to be the case any more.

I haven't started the conversation because I am frightened of where it will lead.

You both sound very unhappy. He doesn't know what to say to you, and you don't talk to him. What an unhappy atmosphere for your DD to grow up in. You may find that you are better living apart, may even get on better, it works for some people.

He definitely knows I'm unhappy. I've given up making the effort. I no longer suggest going out as I feel it's always me doing that. So far he has offered to cook twice and bought me some flowers. He hasn't asked why I'm unhappy and I haven't started the conversation because I am frightened of where it will lead.

Points to consider, because it is not always easy to walk away, sometimes simply changing one set of problems for another.

What do you get out of this relationship?
What would you miss if he left?
Do you get financial security, enjoy having a man about the house, do shared activities, have someone to talk to?
Or are you living parallel lives?
Was he always like this or has the situation changed?
And of paramount importance: are you happy?

Does he know you are unhappy with your living arrangements ?

Speak to him about how you go forward, what you want to happen, what he wants and feels. Only you two can decide if the relationship is worth saving or if you are going to work towards parting.

Please set a good example for your daughter

Would you want her to be in this situation in the future?

I'm financially independent. We both put equal equity into the house., It's a nice house in a nice area so would sell. With my equity I could buy with a small mortgage. Daughter is 16 and told me last week I need to make some big changes in my life to bring in more joy. We were talking about work life balance.

What is the financial situation can you just up and leave or do you have financial ties.

You could be missing out on meeting a good partner. How old is your daughter?

I've tried in the past but he's not a talker. He just goes very quiet.

I think you should leave.Apart from anything else it is not showing your daughter what a loving,healthy relationship should be like.

Doesn't really sound like a relationship more like a house share. Have you talked to your partner about how you feel and your expectations.
Does he have a problem with the hours you work or the fact you bring work home, you need to talk honestly about things.
I would think about moving on if you can't resolve your difference Localandlost

Have you challenged him about his behaviour? Saying how lonely you are?
My partner and I have been together 7 years and it’s been challenging but know he supports me. We decided to live apart about a year ago and we do find the relationship is better. He gets his space I get mine. But he was with me when I had a bypass operation in 2018 and other health issues since.
Think about how you will feel if he’s not with you?
I also thought about could I actually start again with someone else? I’m no good alone.
Best of luck with your decision, do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Take care xx

Thanks. I think I am blowing in the wind...I don't think he is autistic. He's just very contained. He's the same with his son. Very strange relationship. He loves him but there's minimal effort put in to maintaining the relationship. Me and my daughter are very close.

Just a thought.....might he be on the autistic spectrum?

In any relationship you should have each other’s backs. It should be mutually supportive and respectful. That’s the base. If the base isn’t there you’re blowing in the wind. Check your base then make your decision. Good luck.

No he works full time as I do. He is much less career focused, goes in does his job and comes home. Mine is a demanding job which can sometimes mean long hours and work bought home. I feel like I'm running whilst he is strolling. But my job is my choice I guess and I need the challenges it brings. I would just like some support at home.

I notice that you say when you get in from work he is cooking or sometimes eating his own meal. Does this mean that he does not work? If that was the case in my house (it is) I would definitely expect my partner to be picking up the slack.

Thanks all. Yes I do make him a meal if I'm cooking for me or my daughter. He very occasionally will ask if I want anything. He knows I'm not happy at the minute and is making an effort but that won't last.