Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

There's no reason for you to move out of the main bedroom and into the spare room, surely that's where he should be? I would also consider refusing to have him back into the maritial home. Excellent advice in the previous post. Start taking some action to protect yourself, you don't have to be passive, you must consider your own best interest.

Bettinalove it was good of you to update your friends here. Your husband is obviously suffering from some form of mental disorder and I hope the doctors get to the bottom of it very soon. I’m sure your son will tell them about the different behaviours he displays to them and to your son, in other words ‘pretending’ to the doctors.
Can your son also speak to the hospital social worker about the fears he has for your own safety if your husband is discharged home as your husband will perceive you as standing between him and the neighbour he has become fixated with? It may be that he can also speak to the local police about this; perhaps they would be willing to liaise with the social worker about the threats his discharge may pose to you and others.
I’m glad you have set up your own bank account and I hope you have transferred at least half your joint money into it. May I also suggest that you speak to a solicitor about your own position in all this. Some solicitors are specially trained in working with the elderly - I’m not suggesting you fall into this category but they would have met this sort of problem before. You can find a specialist local solicitor from the website Solicitors For The Elderly. If you can do this take some notes with you and if your son could go with you that would be very helpful. The solicitor will give you good advice about where you stand legally and how best to protect yourself and your interest in your home, which I assume you either own or rent jointly. This needn’t be a very expensive exercise, the solicitor may even offer a free half hour interview, but a very worthwhile one. I must emphasise the importance of seeing a specialist solicitor, not just any solicitor, as specialist knowledge is needed here.
I wish you well and hope you will feel able to keep in touch with your friends here, who are sad for you and want to see you happy and confident again.

I am so sorry you're going through this Bettinalove. There's nothing I can add to all the very good advice on here. My thoughts are with you. Big hugs.

Ps... my husband says why should he come home and you move out. If it’s shown he’s well mentally, then there’s no reason why he can’t sort himself out. He chose it.

Bless you, I’m so sorry for you, but glad things are happening, and he’s getting the help he needs. Try to see it as the beginning of something much better, but there’s a few twists and turns first.

Absolutely don’t go backwards. Thankfully you have such supportive children who can help you through this. Don’t live under the same roof again.

68 these days is still young. Going back to work may open avenues you never thought possible. I wish you well, and hope you find peace and happiness.

God bless ?

I am so sorry.

What kind of husband was he before?
I agree with an MRI to rule out any other medical issues

He must remain in professional care, nobody (his sons, daughter) must take him home, especially kids are around

Please do not take him back home. Move out if he is back.

If he gets out of the hospital, the neighbour must be informed asap.

Sadly I really do think that you cannot be at home alone with him and you must stand your ground on this as your safety is paramount.

He is suffering delusions and is angry with you because he sees you as standing in the way as his fantasy of happiness with the neighbour. He sincerely believes this, even though you know it is a delusion. But that sincere belief means that his anger could take a physical form and you must not allow yourself to be at risk.

I have good reason to say this - I was told to be very careful about my own safety during my late OH's delusional state.

I am sorry that you are facing these challenges.

I’m so sorry for you and agree with all the advice given since your last post.
One of you needs to live elsewhere for your safety and sanity. Could DS2 take him?

Bettinalove you are in a most difficult place presently and my heart goes out to you. I'm glad to see that others have brought up the issue of your safety if/when he returns to the home. This is a huge issue and must be given priority by the authorities and your loved ones. Please do not agree under any circumstances for him to live at the home with you or to even enter the home without others present.

You can only get through this one day at a time and you will get through it. Lean on those that support you. Find your voice and shout if necessary. As others have said so well, he is no longer the man you married. You must protect yourself now.

Best wishes to you, Bettina

I am so sorry you are going through this. X

Please see if there is a way of not having him home for now?
Please look after yourself first of all and be brave.

He is not the man you married.

Bettinalove, I have absolutely nothing useful to say except to wish you well.

is your son able to ask the doctors if he can have a brain scan.
if his behaviour has turned so suddenly out of character, surely all possibilities must be investigated.
don't let them palm him off on to you. thy will probably say he is just a dirty old man, family disputes, blah blah.
but this situation sounds much more serious than that.
he is volatile, and deluded, and doesn't like you standing in his way a he sees it.
please don't have him home.
if you absolutely cannot stop it, you need to go elsewhere.
do not be alone with him.
there was a terrible case near here a few years ago; a woman said her husband was not well or stable enough to be discharged from mental hospital, but they insisted, told her to contact GP. who was closed when he came home, she tried other sources of help, was made to feel that she was being overly demanding, told to ring GP when open.
he came home in the evening. early the following morning, the milkman found her slaughtered on the doorstep.
after that they found a place for him to be detained. bit late.

Please consider refusing to have him home whilst he is a threat to you. He needs to be seen by geriatric professionals.

I have experience with a family member who was able to convince her doctor that she was perfectly well while happy to point out to me the “people” walking through the wall and the purple stuff oozing under the door and filling the room. Eventually she was found outside her house screaming for people to help her and call the police to get the “men” on the roof to stop throwing down the roof slates. She was sectioned and got the help she needed. The diagnosis was Dementia with Lewey bodies. With medication she improved greatly, without the fear and confusion which had made her life a nightmare. She remained in care which gave her a feeling of security.

Let me reiterate, he needs proper care and you need to refuse to allow him home. He has shown he is capable of violence, you cannot be expected to put yourself at risk.
You will be pressurised to take him home as all the authorities wish to do is pass the responsibility to family. If you agree he will continue to get worse. Once he is diagnosed, treated and no longer a threat to you then you can reconsider.

Your DS1 may try to insist you allow his father home. You can suggest that he takes his father for a month or so.

Please take care of yourself and keep in touch. Everybody wants to support you.

I m so pleased you ve come back with an update bettina
He was making lewd comments to nurses and tried to upskirt a doctor so is now in an elderly mental health ward.
Well at least they have seen what he’s capable of Bettina Its amazing that there are no signs of anything untoward in the tests they ve been doing but I presume he must have had a psychological assessment for them to determine he has delusions of grandeur and inappropriate behaviour (if this has never happened in 40 years of marriage surely that’s an indication something has happened in his brain) !! Thank goodness for your younger son and wife and daughter/ son in law I d keep the elder out of the equation he’s blaming the wrong person and will make the situation worse

Why do you think divorce will cripple you financially? if you both want it, he serves it and you agree it certainly shouldn’t be a long winded affair everything will have to be divided
Oh what a mess but I don’t think you should be living in your house when he comes out though, he may turn on you if he is that delusional Can you stay with your younger son or daughter until you can get somewhere else I don’t think it will be safe for you or for the woman next door do you ?

May I ask …until this behaviour reared it’s head some months ago was he a good husband, had he treated you well, had there ever been any affairs or inappropriate stuff before did you have a seemingly normal relationship?
Try not to take it all onboard at once Bettina and may I suggest you get some help outside the family, counselling would give you an unbiased and more balanced view of the situation Relate maybe able to help
We re all behind you

It might be a horrid thing to say to you but reading your last post carefully do you think it would be a bad thing if he does get caught by the police? It might give him real pause for thought if he ends up in custody. Don’t give up your house etc if he might end up removed from it anyway.

Bettinalove, thank you for taking the time for an update, I have so been worrying about you. It all sounds so awful and I am so pleased that your children are helping you. Please take care of yourself as much as you possibly can and do take legal advice. Perhaps an EPA could be put in place to take care of your husband so that some one other than him has control of his future. I wish you all the very best.

Thank-goodness you have your family around you, Bettinalove. I do hope things improve for the better. Please put yourself first and take care of your health.

So very sorry to read this and am glad you have your adult children to help you. I am sure you are in shock, do accept all the support your kids offer.

I know you are feeling very very anxious but use this adrenalin whilst he is still in hospital to check all paperwork including the Title Deeds of the house, as well as your finances. Make sure you know where everything is, how much money/savings you have, and ask around for a good solicitor in your area. Wishing you all the best and sending you strength.

I’m so, so sorry to hear this.

So sorry about the situation in which you find yourself. It sounds as though this is not dementia but a but a psychotic illness. The delusions of grandeur are a classic sign. This will be why they have taken him to the psychiatric ward. Poor man and poor you.

I am so relieved to hear that you have your family around you.

How absolutely heartbreaking for you Bettinalove, I'm so sorry to hear that.

hi everyone,
DH ended up only needing his hip manipulated under anaesthetic no plates or screws needed. He was making lewd comments to nurses and tried to upskirt a doctor so is now in an elderly mental health ward. DH tried to discharged himself against doctors advice but changed his mind when he was told he would be sectioned. The local hospital is allowing 1 visitor per day which can be a different person every day for 1 hour but he has refused to see me. He has also demanding i be removed as his next of kin so not to upset him we have changed this to DS2.
DS2 has been visiting and has told me DH is adamant he will be issuing divorce proceedings as soon as he is discharged. DS2 reports he is acting as a normal person in front of hospital staff but when he is there says everything about me under the sun. Ive thought about refusing it but both DS2 and DD pointed out that means in 2 years he will only reissue again and ill have to live in this situation longer. DD has visited once - difficult for her with DGC and found it very distressing. DS1 is not helping the situation blaming the woman for everything. He was going to go round and as he put it "have it out with her". i begged him not to and finally he said he wouldnt.
The doctors have said they are struggling to find any signs of dementia as DH is able to name the date and time. His long and short term memory is normal. His reasoning and thought processes are clear. His reasoning for watching the woman was clearly explained and although for confidentiality they cannot tell me what was discussed DS2 saw a report that said he was attracted to the woman and looking for a mistress type relationship. They also havent found any evidence of personality disorder but have reported delusions of grandeur, known inappropriate behaviour and unrealistic expectations. He is however not being discharged until he is considered safe around female healthcare staff. DS2 fears DH will put on a front to show he made mistakes to get out of hospital quicker then will get into trouble with the police once home.
DS2 has also said like some on here i should set up a seperate bank account and he has helped me to do this. Divorce will cripple us both financially. I will need to try to return to some type of work at 68 years old. SIL and DD have helped me to move into the spare bedroom and im facing this is likely to be the end of our marriage. Its so hard after 40+ years. Im also feeling sick with anxiety about how our life is going to be when DH comes home. I cannot live with being constantly ignored again. I keep being told by everyone consider your options carefully but all i want is for things to go back to how they were which i know cant now happen.

How would a divorce help this man to overcome his illness?