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Is this normal?

(62 Posts)
Jezra Sat 21-Aug-21 00:18:07

Do all men eye, size women up, look at every single woman? I feel like my DH has been doing this always but it seems more noticeable to me now.
It felt good during lockdown as I felt I had his full attention but of course we are back out and mixing again and it has all started up again.
I am not imagining it as some women seem to love it, then look at me with pity in their eyes. Other women, especially the really young ones find it funny ( he is in his late 60’s).
He always talks about the young woman next door in her 20’s and looks to see if she is about and if she is will engage her in conversation. He also looks for the woman two doors down who is in her 30’s and does the same.
If we are in a restaurant or cafe and we are talking to each other his eyes flit ti every woman that passes by or any woman sitting behind me and I find it really irritating. I’ve told him I don’t like it but it falls on deaf ears and he says that’s pathetic and over reacting. Is it?

Baggs Sat 21-Aug-21 09:23:58

it is about his underlying lack of respect for you.

Yes, but one can't force changes in other people, only in oneself. Is he generally disrespectful of other people or just of his wife? If it's only this one fault (bad enough!) that bugs the OP, avoiding having to witness it might be all that's needed.

Good luck anyway, Jezra.

timetogo2016 Sat 21-Aug-21 09:35:27

Hithere is spot on.
But you could give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it.

DiscoDancer1975 Sat 21-Aug-21 15:16:28

I think we all do it if we’re honest. It doesn’t mean we fancy them, just inquisitive. I would find it odd, and always have done, if my husband never had a sneaky peek. I would have thought that unnatural. What I wouldn’t have wanted, is for him to be openly leering, and just plain vulgar. To be obviously homing in on people is not right.

As others have said, you must have married him knowing he is like this. Maybe it was appealing when you were younger, but just creepy now.

You could always allow your own eyes to wander a little! Depends on how much it really affects you. He should be respectful of however you feel. It’s one of those things that could be taken lightly or not. You know him best. If your relationship is generally good, then maybe ignore it. Otherwise, this could just be a symptom of a slowly deteriorating marriage.

Lucca Sat 21-Aug-21 16:12:25

Newatthis

How insensitive and how rude. Play him at own game. I know two wrongs don’t make a right but I would be tempted to start dressing a little more sexy and go out and talk to the male neighbours. Plus a little with the postman milkman et cetera and start Ironing eyeing every man that you pass. If he comments tell him he’s being pathetic and overreacting.

Sorry but I really would not advise this. Maintain your dignity even if he has lost sight of his.
Flirt with the postman ??! What is this, Coronation Street circa 1960?

Eviebeanz Sun 22-Aug-21 13:10:28

I am just picturing my postman, who is someone who is very chatty to everyone on his walk, and how he might react if I did this. 🤔

FarNorth Sun 22-Aug-21 13:42:18

😄
Flirting with random people of a ridiculous idea.
They'll wonder what's come over you and your husband won't notice or else will be fine with it (I'd guess).

FarNorth Sun 22-Aug-21 13:42:47

* is a ridiculous idea.

Barmeyoldbat Sun 22-Aug-21 14:25:14

I wouldn’t put up with it, first I would stop going out with him, if that didn’t make any difference I would leave,

Sweetpeasue Sun 22-Aug-21 15:15:55

Oh my this would really hurt me Jezra, I'm so sorry. My self esteem has always been pretty low but that sort of behaviour would crush most women I'd have thought.
Years ago (we're in our early 60s) we were in a Dept store and were browsing through clothes racks separately at a fair distance apart. I glanced up to see my husband with such a strange intensive look on his face. I followed his eyes to a stunning young girl with toned bare midriff and miniskirt (think Love Island material). I physically felt I'd been punched in the gut! I feel hurt now to even recall it. It was the look in his eyes. Stupid I know. Obviously she was getting a fair bit of attention from others too. She was a real 'Goddess'. But it seemed to me my husband was actually devouring her image.
This isn't the same thing, I know as, thank God, this wasn't repeated, at least as far as I know , and also he wasn't blatantly doing this directly in front of me. I don't believe what you are describing is 'the norm' and its absolutely not acceptable. Very disrespectful to you. I would have to seriously tell him in no uncertain terms that you'll not put up with it and if he loves you he must stop this.
I expect there will be some who would just laugh and turn a blind eye----but it wouldn't be me.

JaneJudge Sun 22-Aug-21 15:23:19

During lockdown we nicknamed our postman the super spreader as he didn't practice any social distancing and wanted to stop and chat with everyone. He even entered my house to put a parcel on the side in the hall!

Anyway back to the original post, no it isn't normal but there is someone in my family who does it and he thinks he is much younger than he actually is and he also thinks he is gods gift to women. I feel sorry for his wife angry

Mildmanneredgran Sun 22-Aug-21 15:25:58

I think this is the sort of behaviour which can rapidly get very very out of hand. I know we're not allowed to refer to other threads, but there was one last week........

I agree with some of the other pps, in that a firm conversation needs to take place.

GagaJo Sun 22-Aug-21 15:31:47

My bloke does it a bit. He can be quite judgemental too. I try to ignore him, because I think to a certain extent he's attention seeking, but if he's too obvious or judgey I cut him down which he hates.

I think most men look. It's just that most have the common sense to be discreet.

Yammy Sun 22-Aug-21 15:39:10

Just laugh at him when he does it and ask him from a male point of view what he finds so attractive about the woman he is devouring with his eyes. Ask him to give them points out of ten. When he says no that is silly say so are you for thinking they would even consider you.
You can't leave him without really thinking it through, maybe he has always been like it and you just didn't notice because you were confident in yourself. I think as women get older they lose their confidence. We hear of silver foxes but no silver vixens. I think some men do as well and it's their way of proving to themselves that they still find women attractive when really they haven't hope in hell.

TrendyNannie6 Sun 22-Aug-21 15:45:36

I don’t think you should play him at his own game, you are then as bad as him and it’s very silly, I’m just wondering , has he always been like this? As I’d be bit concerned it could be the start of something like dementia, I’ve just re read and you say you feel that he’s been doing this always, but worse now, if he’s not ill, ( as no it’s not the norm) then apart from telling him you don’t like it till you are blue in the face there’s not a lot you can do, I don’t think he’s giving you any respect jezra, only you know what you are prepared to accept ongoing

GagaJo Sun 22-Aug-21 15:51:54

I point out to my bloke, that even in his youth, the women he's indiscreetly looking at would never have looked twice at him. When he's offended by my comments, I tell him to be more subtle in his observations.

He makes assumptions about the men I'd find attractive too. And always gets it wrong. He assumes a George Clooney type is every woman's dream. Whereas I like quirky and intelligent. Looks are irrelevant. Unfathomable to him.

He's got some funny ideas about women, and yet he's with a fat, bossy, independent feminist. Can't be a total idiot.

Sweetpeasue Sun 22-Aug-21 19:16:23

😂GagaJo

Bluebellwould Sun 22-Aug-21 19:44:50

Perhaps I’m mad but I would go along with it. I think part of his enjoyment is that it winds you up. Now you can continue being wound up and made unhappy but you cannot alter another persons actions and thoughts, you have to change your reaction. That is the only thing you can control. If he notices another woman and he knows you’ve caught him then I would say ‘oh yes she is lovely/elegant/sexy’ or whatever she is. Make it sound genuine and pleasant. That should cut short the conversation with him as he has nothing to fight against. You could also say ‘ oh you have such good taste, that’s why you married me’. He is acting like a toddler demanding attention and he knows that if he comments on other ladies he will get attention from you. I wouldn’t worry that anyone would take him on or consider him an nothing more than an old fool, but don’t tell him that. If you knock him, it will just give him more ammunition to wind you up. Keep us updated and I wish you the very best of luck.

Nanna58 Sun 22-Aug-21 19:49:06

Sorry Jezra, but I would have left him by now.

welbeck Sun 22-Aug-21 19:53:34

yes; i can't see the attraction in such a sleaze-ball.
not only disrespectful to you, but to women generally.
maybe one of the younger ones will tell him what they really think.
unfortunately many women our age have been socially conditioned to be nice, polite, not make a fuss.
so put up with this rubbish. but not for much longer...

Hetty58 Sun 22-Aug-21 20:02:12

It's normal for some men, so, if he's always done it, just ignore it. After all, there's no harm in just looking. You could start ogling attractive men to get even, I suppose!

Jezra Sun 22-Aug-21 20:22:42

I love your [email protected] 😂
We talked about it seriously today.
He said to me that he’s not aware he does it sometimes and that he’ll try not to in future if it makes me upset. I know he loves me and in other ways he is perfectly fine. He’s always trying to please me for instance so we’ll see. Maybe it’s just a lifelong habit that’s hard to kick.

Jezra Sun 22-Aug-21 20:24:15

Thanks everyone else for your input. The only one I thought was risky was the chatting up the post man or the young male neighbours! Please! I have some decorum even if my DH doesn’t at times. 😳😂

NotSpaghetti Sun 22-Aug-21 21:48:42

So pleased Jezra that you have kept a sense of humour here! 😁

Hetty58 Sun 22-Aug-21 21:52:54

Yes, good to hear it! My (2nd) husband tried not to - but sometimes couldn't help it

M0nica Mon 23-Aug-21 17:19:35

jezra do not be so casual about the women your H leers at. I have a 14 year old DGD. When she was only 12 she developed a fully formed adult woman hour glass figure, full breasted, tiny waist, rounded hips. She is a ballet dancer and not overweight. She is tall and, even though she is still at an age where boys are boring and irritating, men in the street notice her and eye her up and down. Her mother and I have both noticed it.

For most men that is all it is, a quick glance, as we all give anything that catches her eye, but some looks are more than that and they are frightening and intimidating and, don't forget she is still a child and will be for another 4 years.

What your husband is doing, is not just embarrassing for you. It is making the streets unsafe for children like my DGD to go about their ordinary lives going to and from school, to dancing lessons, to visit friends and go shopping, without knowing that men like your husband and his dirty mind are learing and lusting after them.