Husband now being charged

I changed the locks within a couple of hours of getting him out. Did it myself, it is easy. He must have lost his key, don't you think when he couldn't get in when I was not there. What a shame I didn't have a spare for him.

Agree with others, change locks, get chains, and security. camera/bell. You can get them quite cheaply - needn't be the most expensive but can send alerts to your phone or Alexa. We changed DD2 locks with **head sitting watching in neighbours garden. Recently put eufy camera doorbells back and front and padlocked gate. Police also aware. She feels a bit safer. Also maybe lock on your bedroom door and a plan if he came near. Anything important store with a friend or ask DC to keep for you. Have a small case packed in case you have to leave quickly. But most important well done - you have accomplished the hardest bit and will have a better life from now on!

I would change the locks regardless of the law. They won’t put you in jail. Maybe get your knuckles wrapped but most likely nothing at all.
I agree with pp about gathering together any papers, financial information, sentimental items that you don’t want him to have but would go further and have a family member or very trusted friend keep these safe fir you. Also see what you can find with regard to your husband’s financial position.
I do think you are entitled to more than you think.
Also a good divorce lawyer, not a general lawyer. Woman’s Aid may advise.
Best wishes. You will get there …. I did.

I can't thank you all enough for all your support and valuable advice It makes me so sad that so many of you or your DD have found themselves in this position. Tomorrow I will organise locks to be changed. Regarding the finances, I have been well and truly stitched up. He took early retirement a week before we married so the pension does not count!! Even his assets from the sale of his house don't count because he owned it before we married and more importantly, it was never the marital home whereas my home was. I can only hope that the exclusion clause regarding where the assets came from to buy the house count for something and the lawyer I have employed proves herself strong. If not, I will be changing lawyers. I never thought I would ever be in this position but proves it can happen to anyone, whether you are strong or not. I have been in touch before with woman's aid and the police domestic abuse support department have been lovely. I do think you are right re counselling and I will look into this tomorrow. At the moment, I am finding it difficult to see a happy future as I just think all of this will affect me for the rest of my life. Thank you all xxx

You need to get an injunction order out against him because of the abuse. Change the locks it’s not actually his house. Surround yourself with your friends near you to keep you occupied. It will be a difficult wait getting sorted out but the freedom will be worth it.
I got out of a violent marriage I still have mental scars because of it.
You can do it be brave one day at a time you made the first move and well done. As for the neighbours don’t give them a second thought you are better than them. Let us know how you get on hold your head up high in court you will be fine. ?

Redhead56

You need to get an injunction order out against him because of the abuse. Change the locks it’s not actually his house. Surround yourself with your friends near you to keep you occupied. It will be a difficult wait getting sorted out but the freedom will be worth it.
I got out of a violent marriage I still have mental scars because of it.
You can do it be brave one day at a time you made the first move and well done. As for the neighbours don’t give them a second thought you are better than them. Let us know how you get on hold your head up high in court you will be fine. ?

Thank you Redhead. So sorry to hear how it has affected you. You are very brave zx

Just wishing you the best of Luck and really hope you get the best advise. Have you phoned one of these women's charities who deal with this sort of thing? They might be able to suggest something you haven't thought of?
You have made that big step, keep walking towards Happiness.

It is not necessary to change the locks which is extremely expensive. You can change the core which is a simple job requiring just a screwdriver. If you are not confident get a locksmith to do it for you. Keep the old core and keys. You can swap with friends.

About your neighbours.
Depending on your relationship with them prior to the fallout, they may feel that you would consider them nosey or interfering if they came round, so why don't you give little waves as you're passing them and say 'good morning', 'good afternoon' etc? It might just be the ice that needs breaking!
It's possible, quite probable, that they were aware of fights etc going on but didn't feel close enough to you to interfere, or were scared of your husband!
Unfortunately, neighbours are often not as close these days as when we or our parents were younger.
Be brave, put on a smile and say hi. Then you can dispel any bad rumours going around, but don't open up fully to them just in case any are on his side!!!
Be safe.

My heart goes out to you and I am sending you virtual support and help. Do you have anyone who can come and stay with you for extra support? Yes changing the lock will help but you might other support. As for your neighbours they probably think Its a minor thing and they will soon make up kind of a thing. They probably are not aware that domestic abuse is a very serious issue. Did you get a non molestation order against him? Also children or a friend might need to come more regularly for a year or more to get you back on your feet.
Also please contact Solace Womens Aid for help or Hestia depending on your area. Wishing you support kindness and pray things get sorted out.

Susysue so sorry for what you are going through. Do not be hard on yourself coercive control and gaslight ing are powerful psychological abuses which make you act in a way you would never have imagined. Freeing yourself from this can leave you with PTSD..

This is the point you have to keep at your strongest. Come down tough. Make sure you follow through with taking him to court for assaulting you. It is so easy for them to get away with it. Make sure he can't get near you through a restraining order.

Try not to fret too much about your house. Common sense most often prevails - ie he didn't bring anything to the table, no children involved and you have a paper trail. As other posters have said keep all paperwork safe.
Nearly 8 years since i got away for the final time and was pinned up by the neck until my youngest screamed at him to release me I still have to leave the light on when I do sleepins at work. They can stay in your head for so long so counselling would probably be a good idea if you have the energy.
Women are still treated by so many as though it's there fault for the abuse. The she must have deserved a slap attitude is still there. I remember my ex goading me saying he had a laugh about it with the coppers. He was given a slap on the wrist and ordered to pay me £50 and not allowed near me for 12 months. I'm not a shoe person but I bought a pair of shiny red freedom shoes with the 'compensation'. I think you have to keep reminding yourself that you are in control now and you are beating him. It is out in the open now and you should never feel ashamed. Look after yourself physically and mentally. Thinking of you.x

Just wanted to wish you all the best

Sorry to go on and it probably doesn't need saying but never underestimate what he is capable of. Most murders are committed by partners or ex partners. I have no doubt that my life was saved by my daughter. Do not live in fear but don't let your guard down.x

susie well done on taking these final steps to move on to the next chapter in your life. Here’s to a happy and safe future to do with whatever you fancy without fear. You’ve stood up to this horrible person and now you’re going to be an independent woman with lots of happy days ahead I too would suggest getting a Ring doorbell they’re fabby we’ve had one for a while now and it records all who have or are at the door you don’t need to open the door if you don’t want to. Just put extra locks on to be extra extra safe from the torturous person who’s out of your life now hurrah hurrah

Sod the law,change the locks Susysue.
You could always say you had an intruder.

I add to others' " Well done!".
Sorry about the lack of neighbourly support and I will try not to ever be like that.

Thank you all for your kindness and support. Whatdayisit, my heart goes out to you. What you and your daughter went through is just horrible. So happy you are now free but sad it still affects you so much. Xx

It all sounds horrible and I send all my best wishes to you. I’ve not had a completely similar experience, but I strongly identify with your tendency to reproach yourself because you didn’t see warning signs. I can’t reconcile the two versions of my husband (we’re separated now). In the early days, he was kind, caring and loving. How did we get from that to the situation we’re now in? I too beat myself up for not seeing the man he actually is. But we’re not psychic! So I try not to be too harsh on myself. If the person we met had shown his true colours at the start, we would never have married. So go easy on yourself.
I think you only need to look at your husband’s past relationship history - I too believed that I was special and that our relationship would last because so much was invested in it.
But it turned out that I was wrong, and meant no more to him than previous partners. It’s all very destructive - but I still believe in decency and kindness in spite of that.

It is not your fault you fell for this man, you have been very brave and done the right thing involving the Police, and do retain your solicitor, it will cost money but you need reliable support from someone who knows your case, don't mess about with free half hours or citizens advice, pay for it and get it sorted. Don't fret about what he can or cannot do, ask your solicitor about locks and such, and install a door bell with a camera.

Thank you Susysue. I hope you are looking after yourself and not stressing too much. Keep your head as best you can.
I agree with many and GillT above.
Keep going.x

There's so much good advice here...what I would add is that you can make contact with the Witness Service and ask for their support 0300 332 1000
They are based in every criminal court and can help you through the process.
They can arrange pre trial visits and support you through an application for screens etc so that if you do have to give evidence, you would be 'shielded'.

I called the police on am abusive husband . He was charged with assault by beating and I went to court as a witness and he was convicted. Daughters came to court to support me and also someone from Victim Support who were marvellous, I also had a visit from Women’s Aid. I didn’t stay in the house but went to daughters for several months but appreciate this is more difficult for you. Ex changed the locks and got no penalty for it so definitely change yours .

Get a solicitor whose speciality is family law . In court you can ask for a screen or even by video link from another room. I found the court experience very supportive , the magistrates saw straight through him and he actually lost his temper in the witness box which clinched things.

Try not to be afraid and keep fighting you will get a better life in the end. Don’t criticise yourself for being with him , I didn’t realise just how bad my life was until I was out. It also escalated for me because I filed for divorce ( in his eyes how dare I)

PM me if it would help.

Firstly well done!

I know how hard it is, my father was an abusive, violent bully, sadly in the 70’s Police didn’t react to domestic abuse, it was deemed acceptable.

You sound balanced and in control, it is not your fault you fell for this man, people like him are so good at luring their prey.

I would gather every piece of financial evidence you can, make a note of any investments, pensions, bank accounts etc he had, if a forensic accountant gets involved it will make their job easier.

Regarding the neighbours, please ignore them, to be fair they are probably embarrassed and don’t know what to say, I’m not excusing their behaviour but in all honesty I’m not sure if I would get involved if it was a neighbour of mine I didn’t know too well.

For the court can you have witness support, it’s a nationwide scheme, it may help.

I wish you strength and future happiness.

Thank you all. Sorry again to hear of OP experiences in their lives with abuse. It still carries a stigma though it should not and is not spoken openly about enough. I wish you all well xxx

It does feel like it Carrie's a stigma because people are so prejudice still. But we don't have to feel shame and we must hold our head up high.
I hope things are improving for you Susysue or are you in limbo. Hope you are not in a lot of physucal pain after his attack.x