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Husband now being charged

(58 Posts)
Susysue Mon 23-Aug-21 15:13:33

Some of you may remember my previous post"another failed marriage" and I was so grateful for all the support I received then. Over the past few months, I have been getting my head round things including speaking with a lawyer, telling my children (not his biologically) about the abuse. If you remember, the house we live in is in my sole name as it was bought with the proceeds from my house I owned pre marriage and my dad's inheritance. He had sold his own house post marriage and filtered away the proceeds in his own named accounts. Finally he agreed I could get an estate agent round to value the house in the hope of putting it up for sale. The day after this happened, he assaulted me again when we were arguing, pushed me over twice and hurt me. He ran out the door and went away in his car. This time, for the first time, I called the police. I was in a terrible state and had just had enough. The coercive behaviour had been getting worse too. I think the fact that I had had the estate agent round which meant we were definitely going our separate ways was enough to send him overboard. The police arrived and were very good. They spent a long time asking me about the incident and I told them previous incidents and the coercive controlling behaviour. They were about to leave, having said if he came home, I had to phone them back when he arrived back. The police ladies went out and arrested him on the spot, he was protesting his innocence. Meanwhile my horrid neighbours are having a field day and are blatantly out in their front gardens, talking over their fences to each other, watching everything (to this day, not one of these ignorant people have even come to my door to see I am alright!!, I believe they think I have lowered the tone of their neighbourhood) .Husband is then taken away in a police van and I am taken to A and E with a broken wrist. To cut a long story short, he has been charged with assault to injury, has been bailed to his mother's house, with conditions not to come anywhere near me or contact me. He has been up in court, pled not guilty (as seemingly most of them do) and the trial is set for November. My lawyer has is now in negotiations with his lawyer as to a separation agreement and trying to get the house on the market but cant do so until the separation agreement is sorted out. He is doing as I knew he would, regardless of the situation. He is trying to get at least £130k as a settlement from a house he has neither contributed to the purchase of or paid any mortgage etc for (there is no mortgage thankfully), meanwhile it would appear that I cannot touch his pension, his assets from his previous house sale or any other assets he has. He is also wanting half the house contents which again I paid for or were mine pre marriage. Truly the man has no guilt!! I have now told other close friends what has been going on and they are shocked. My children have been wonderful but I feel like a disaster zone. What on earth did I ever see in this human being to allow him into my life? My gut instincts which are normally good went out the window. Tge alarm bells should have been ringing loud and clear...I was his 3rd wife, he has two biological AC who refuse to have anything to do with him, his daughter calls him "a toxic abusive manipulator " and his two previous stepchildren have nothing to do with him either. OMG...I feel like I must have been mad!!! I have let my family down so much, at least my dear parents aren't still alive to see this mess. Due to all the mental coercive behaviour and gaslighting (a term I had never heard of until a OP on my previous post highlighted), I feel I cannot trust anyone anymore, apart from my kids and dearest friends. But what is worse is I cannot trust my own judgement anymore. How I move forward in life, I just do not know. However the one positive is that finally I am not living with an abuser and just maybe, I can have a happy life ahead. I have been served with papers which mean I have to go to court as a witness against him. I feel completely ill at the thought of that.This will only be avoided if he pleads guilty at the pre trial which given he cannot accept responsibility for any of his actions, is unlikely unless his lawyer can persuade him otherwise. He still has a key to the house and I am terrified he will come in. The police have a "marker" on the house so that if I phone 999, they will be here very quickly but how quick?? My AC live a long way from me and though they have individually come up to stay, they have their own lives and I am now here alone. I just want to get on with selling the house and move nearer to my kids and my true friends but that still seems a hurdle away. I have some good days but as you can tell, this isn't one of them!!!! X

felice Mon 23-Aug-21 15:21:12

I cannot really give advice as all circumstances are different, but having gone through physical abuse and got out, I really sympathise with you.
Stay strong, and do not be talked into anything which gives him any leaway.

rite Mon 23-Aug-21 15:25:19

Dear Susysue
I am so sorry you are going through all this. I don't have any advice. I'm sure your lawyers and family are the best ones to go to for that but you are a strong woman, you are obviously 'on the ball' from your post and you will get through this. I hope everything starts to move quickly and wish you all the luck in the world. Actually, one thing I would suggest - change your locks. Sending love.

SueDonim Mon 23-Aug-21 15:26:09

Goodness me, you’ve been through the mill! I can’t believe he hurt you badly enough to break your arm - he deserves everything that’s coming to him. Regarding the court case, a friend had a similar case with her now-ex after he assaulted her. She asked Women’s Aid to help and they ensured that she was able to give evidence to the court behind a screen so she didn’t have to see her ex.

I can imagine that going though such an ordeal would sow a seed of doubt in your mind as to your own judgment. You must remember, though, that that is a part of the control he’s exerted over you and also that you, sadly, have experience of what it looks like.

Can you get an extra lock put on your door or an intruder alarm installed, to give you peace of mind at night?

grandMattie Mon 23-Aug-21 15:28:10

Poor poor you. I have no advice other than The first thing I would do is change every solitary lock! That way he can’t come in, take stuff or anything like that. At least you should be reasonably safe locked in.

B9exchange Mon 23-Aug-21 15:33:22

I would get the locks changed instantly and probably a chain for the front door too.

I am glad you have the support of your children, either ignore the neighbours, or explain to one of the more sympathetic ones exactly what has been going on, and ask for their help in looking out for you. I am sure she will soon pass it round!

Susysue Mon 23-Aug-21 15:34:52

Thank you all, the problem re the locks is that under the ass which is the law in our land, he still has occupancy rights under the marital home act which means I would be breaking the law to change the locks!!! Even after what he has done!!!

Grammaretto Mon 23-Aug-21 15:37:30

Change the locks pronto.
Such a story. I cannot imagine what you must feel. Emotions all over the place.
I'm glad you have friends and supportive DC to care for you.
You will get over this. You will be happy again. You won't ever have to live with him again.
There is really no point in a husband.

Harris27 Mon 23-Aug-21 15:37:42

Keep the house as secure as you can and don’t answer the door unless you have an idea who’s there. You will get through this and you will have a life again.

Oopsadaisy1 Mon 23-Aug-21 16:03:49

You Must get legal advice, I think as the house is in your name only you can apply for an Occupation Order (Google it) if you get it you can change the locks.
But you urgently need a good Solicitor.

Elegran Mon 23-Aug-21 16:12:23

Move all papers, credit cards, photographs, children's treasures, valuables etc etc, everything you don't want him to take away, into your bedroom and put a lock on your bedroom door.

Welshwife Mon 23-Aug-21 16:22:17

If he has claims on your house as the marital home surely you have some claim on his pension, monies etc. I would look for more specialist help.

Jaxjacky Mon 23-Aug-21 16:37:18

As the house is in your sole name I believe you are legally entitled to change the locks on receipt of an occupation order as Oops has said. There is no charge for this. In the meantime, a secure chain or chains and extra locks, possibly a video for the front door, something like ‘ring’.

Sarnia Mon 23-Aug-21 16:37:27

I had a speed dial number for police when I finally got my abusive, alcoholic husband out of our home. I wasn't allowed an alarm as I had only been threatened with violence but had not been physically attacked. I had to use the speed dial a couple of times and the response time was quick. They took time after these calls to make sure my children and I were secure. Get some good legal advice, change the locks and look after yourself. flowers

MerylStreep Mon 23-Aug-21 16:43:09

I left the marital home. Of course my ex was told not to change the locks….. he did. Nothing was said from my solicitor.
I would not only change the locks I would have a camera fitted above all outside doors. If you can afford it have an alarm system fitted.

JaneJudge Mon 23-Aug-21 16:44:30

It is ridiculous about the locks isn't it? But well done for being so brave, it can't have been easy.

I hope your poor wrist is better soon sad xx

gt66 Mon 23-Aug-21 16:46:21

Oh Susy I'm so sorry it's come to this, but it was on the cards, given what happened before.

I not sure what advice to give apart from not feeling bad, or that it's your fault; it's not, it's totally down to his unreasonable behaviour toward you. What's behind it is anyones guess, but he's really shown his true colours now and the law is behind you.

I know you can't change the locks, but could you put bolts top and bottom on the doors; it will help you feel more secure, especially at night? As for money I'm sure you could claim something if you explain your situation; Universal Credit maybe?

Keep going and one day you soon will be free from him. xx

Gwyneth Mon 23-Aug-21 16:48:33

So glad to hear that he has gone and that you contacted the Police re his abuse and frightening behaviour towards you susysue. Try to stay strong and fight for your rights. Good that you have the support of your children. Thinking of you. ?

Hithere Mon 23-Aug-21 17:02:39

So glad you are free!

Do not make a move w/o talking to a lawyer
Get counseling to heal from this
Do not make any big decisions in at least a year, till your judgement is clear and not influenced so much by this

FarNorth Mon 23-Aug-21 17:03:07

Surely you can put a chain on the outside door(s) ? Even if you can't change the locks.
The court has ordered him to stay away from you so he can't also have the right to turn up and walk in.

Locks on all room doors would be a good idea too, and do keep your phone on you at all times.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Eviebeanz Mon 23-Aug-21 17:06:12

Hi I'm not familiar with your previous post and I'm sorry to hear what has happened to you.
I was under the impression that pension accrued during the marriage counted as joint marital assets and so that may be worth looking into.
If you do not feel able to change all locks could you consider changing all but the front door lock (not forgetting windows) which might mean you would have less to worry about when it comes to securing the house when you go out and at night.

eazybee Mon 23-Aug-21 17:30:44

Ask the police for advice on security and make sure you follow it, fitting alarms and chains etc, and do not leave any accessible windows open when you are in the house.
Make an inventory of all your possessions and collect as many receipts as you can; it sounds as though he is intending to fight for everything even though he has no claim on them, he will claim homelessness etc which is what my friend's husband did, but she had put her house in his name as well, foolishly. Brace yourself for a long fight so you make sure he does not wear you down, As the house is in your name I don't think he has a claim as he has not contributed nor made improvements, but I doubt if you will see any of his investments.
A horrible time, but you have done the right thing.

avitorl Mon 23-Aug-21 18:04:18

I am so sorry to hear of your dreadful ordeal. I would definitely change the locks for your own safety. He has been ordered to stay away from you so has no legal rights to come near your home so he can hardly make a complaint to the Police that his key no longer opens your door can he?
A previous suggestion about contacting Womens' Aid is a good one.They may even be able to suggest a good solicitor for you to use.

varian Mon 23-Aug-21 18:10:23

If he stall has the keys to your house please change the locks ASAP

VioletSky Mon 23-Aug-21 18:18:00

Susysue please don't concentrate on the fact that you fell for the charms of an abusive man. It takes incredible strength and courage to break free. Please concentrate on that.

Next steps are to do what you need to protect yourself. Change the locks. Get a restraining or similar order. Get counselling to help you understand you are not to blame.

I think you should get some advice on worst case scenarios in the divorce settlement. Resign yourself to that and hope you get a judge who rules more in your favour as it does happen. Anything truly precious, I would ask someone you trust to store for you for now.

Divorces are a rough road with abusive people, there are many organisations out there to support you through it. Please go to citizens advice in your area and they will be able to help with local support networks.

Well done, you really have proven your strength and courage.