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Daughter’s fiancé has been secretly gambling and in thousands of debt now

(55 Posts)
123gran Thu 09-Sep-21 07:55:03

Just weeks before their marriage this issue came out of the blue as a total shock to her. They were about to sell her house and get a joint home/mortgage together. Not now of course. They have a lovely child together and she’s putting her welfare first in everything as doesn’t want her to grow up in a broken home. I’m worried sick she’ll go ahead and marry him despite knowing she’ll be equally liable for his big debt. Anyone had any experience of this. Can gamblers ever break their addiction without heartbreak?

Oopsadaisy1 Thu 09-Sep-21 14:51:05

Unbeknown to her and us DDs ex partner was a gambler and stole, lied and cheated, he even got her to take out a loan in her name, when she realised that he had a gambling problem and everything he told her was a lie
( including that he was single, he actually had an ex wife and child) she left him, but we had to pay off the loan she took out as he lost his job and left her penniless.
I hope your daughter protects all of her assets and postpones the marriage.

Visgir1 Thu 09-Sep-21 17:28:55

I was told once.. Give a Alcoholic £100 they will take 24 hrs or more to spend it... Give a Gambler £100 it will be gone within minutes.
At the end of the day he's an Addict.
Such a shame. Good luck.

123gran Thu 09-Sep-21 20:25:29

Thank you Gransnetters for all the very sound and sensitive advice given. It’s greatly appreciated and so sorry for all the pain and distress this addiction has caused to other families too.

Hithere Thu 09-Sep-21 20:38:28

Your daughter should attend a meeting of gamblers anon or similar to open her eyes to reality.

I hope rationality wins over her heart

Esikenang Tue 21-Sep-21 17:07:52

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Esspee Tue 21-Sep-21 17:17:05


Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our <a target="_blank" rel="noopener" href="">forum guidelines</a>. Replies may also be deleted.

I don’t believe that Esikenang, not for a minute. Gambling is a mug’s game and the only winner is the bookie, the casino or whoever you chose to give your money to.
Sometimes you win, yes, but overall you lose.

Esspee Tue 21-Sep-21 17:18:03

Sorry overlap there between deletion and me posting.

DiscoDancer1975 Tue 21-Sep-21 17:19:05

He will only change when he wants to, so that could be decades. I wouldn’t want my daughter to marry him, but understand that’s not enforceable. She could be in for a rough ride if she stays with him married or not, but at least her finances are safe if they’re separate from his.

I wish you all the best.

welbeck Tue 21-Sep-21 17:23:13

her financial situation will be affected if she marries him.

Liveinnan Sun 26-Sep-21 13:18:55

My DD’s ex husband was a gambler. He’d go out at around 10 most evenings and play cards. He’d return home about 5 in the morning and then not want to go to work. He was his own boss so there wasn’t anyone to threaten him with the sack if he didn’t turn up. When my DD would get upset over it he’d say he could get more money playing cards than doing his job. She ended up paying his workmen’s wages out of her money when he didn’t have it himself to pay them. This marriage lasted 15 months. She said afterwards that she knew he gambled before they married but she thought he’d be different when they were a family with children. Meanwhile I’d spent my entire savings paying for their wedding. I am pleased she had the courage to leave though.

Allsorts Mon 27-Sep-21 07:29:56

I would say run for the hills. Gamblers will lie, cheat and take your last penny. They rely on that Adrenalin high that comes just before they know whether they’ve won or lost, if they win they lose it all again, usually within minutes, if they lose, maybe next time. They will get you to sign your life's work away. You think you can change them, that love conquers everything, but no one will replace the gamblers true love, gambling. Whatever she does, I would beseech your d not to get married, have nothing in both names, be totally independent of him because he will have the lot. Family and friends, nothing is more than betting to them. The devastation they cause to families is truly horrendous, something that’s hard to ever get over.

SharonWilliams Sun 23-Apr-23 09:47:39

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Marydoll Sun 23-Apr-23 09:54:13

Reported. This is an old thread which has been resurrected.

Shinamae Sun 23-Apr-23 10:02:58


Reported. This is an old thread which has been resurrected.

I really don’t understand the need to report a resurrected thread? 🤷‍♀️

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 23-Apr-23 10:14:42

It was the spam message which was reported, not the thread.

Marydoll Sun 23-Apr-23 10:27:23

Thank you GSM*. !!

Shinamae Sun 23-Apr-23 10:30:23


It was the spam message which was reported, not the thread.

Okay, thank you

loopyloo Sun 23-Apr-23 10:35:29

So 18 months on... did she have the sense to postpone the wedding? And more importantly not sell her house and take out a joint mortgage with him?
Let's hope he had help for his addiction and things have improved.

Farzanah Sun 23-Apr-23 10:40:16

Well dear reader, as this thread is 18 months old wss there a happy ending??

Farzanah Sun 23-Apr-23 10:40:41

Sorry crossed post.

pascal30 Sun 23-Apr-23 10:44:50


Your daughter should attend a meeting of gamblers anon or similar to open her eyes to reality.

I hope rationality wins over her heart

good solid advise.. she may gain an understanding of what her future would involve

Davida1968 Sun 23-Apr-23 13:55:05

Just to say I agree with other GNs here.
IMO a delay or cancellation of the marriage is vital. If it were my daughter, I think I'd have to say something about my feelings on this matter, albeit very carefully and diplomatically. (Even if she is a "mature" woman.) Fingers crossed for the future of your DD & DGD.

Farzanah Sun 23-Apr-23 14:38:40

Well. Decisions presumably been made by now, for better or worse 🤔 whatever the advice.
Be nice to know tho.

M0nica Sun 23-Apr-23 15:15:33

Shinamae When old threads are resurrected it is usually by spammers or trolls (as with this thread) and the resurrected thread is very out of date, as this one is.

To post to this effect is to let people know that this is a dated thread and if you want to discuss this issue, it might be better to start a new thread.

Farzanah Sun 23-Apr-23 15:31:55

The problem is, some only read the last posting, not realising the thread isn’t current.
Why do spammers and the like pick old threads, not current ones?