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Just want for it all to be over

(45 Posts)
Livlass Sat 09-Oct-21 00:38:32

Husband 81 me 75. Been together 14 years,married for 5. Due to his mental abuse and coercive control I,ve had 3 breakdowns in 2 yrs. I feel and probably look such a wreck. But two weeks ago after months of arguing we both agreed to split.He confessed that he hadn’t loved me for years. His house so I had to leave, He won’t give me a penny or any other help. None of my family close to help me. I,ve rented a storage unit and have been slowly moving personal possesssions in. . Hopefully my recent application for a private flat (he doesn’t know where)will come good. I,ve tried so hard for months and if this doesn’t happen I don’t know what I,ll do. All I can take is my clothes,I won’t have furniture,nothing. Money will be so tight and I,m scared at my age of dealing with bills etc. Not only has he been swanning around living the life of a single man embarrassing himself,he’s 81 for goodness sake.BUT along with all the other pain etc he’s caused me, today I,ve found out he’s been ‘cheating’ on me for months. I feel so alone and traumatised that I haven’t told anyone. He doesn’t know I know. He’s even bragged he’s booked himself on an expensive holiday at the end of this month. Alone I doubt it. His family don’t know anything. And HE wants to keep it that way.
Me I,m trying very hard to keep a smile on my face and keep things civil whereas inside I want to do unmentionable things to him. He will never know where I go and once I,m safe then he,ll feel my anger. Inside I,m spitting feathers Why should he get away with ruining my life. What do you grandsnetters suggest? Tell his family everything about their perfect father. Tell the neighbours who think he’s marvellous and his parish council buddies ? Solicitor? to claim some compensation from him for the abuse. Please tell me.

BoadiceaJones Sat 09-Oct-21 01:55:36

Did you sign a prenup before you married? I understand that they have no legal status in the UK, so if he's trying to exercise legal strong-arm tactics, he needs to think again. You are entitled to a share of the matrimonial property, surely? Did you contribute to the house in which you have been living? Your first step needs to see a lawyer without delay, and to find out where you stand financially. Don't let him get away with bullying you. Do you have any family or friends who can offer you support? You will be far better off on your own and away from the hell he's been imposing on you. You're not old yet; plenty of life still to live, so go for it now! Best of luck, be strong, take the bastard down.

Txquiltz Sat 09-Oct-21 02:03:17

Sounds like he is an ultimate bully. Get a solicitor immediately. He is in for a surprise on marital assets. Be strong…you can do this.

Ladyleftfieldlover Sat 09-Oct-21 07:35:42

He sounds like an absolute s**t! Isn’t it bizarre that some of these upstanding, pillar of the community types are the exact opposite. There have been one or two in my small village. But best of luck with your new life. As others have said, see a solicitor. I bet you’re entitled to something.

seacliff Sat 09-Oct-21 07:56:38

So horrible for you. Definitely consult a solicitor at least for an initial free half hour. I'd also start telling at least some people. You need support.

Babs758 Sat 09-Oct-21 08:05:51

You may be entitled to some of his pension too.

NannyJan53 Sat 09-Oct-21 08:10:26

Agree with all of the above posters. See a Solicitor. You are married so I would have thought entitled to a share of the marital assets, and his pension.

You do need to see a Solicitor though for the correct advise.

MamaCaz Sat 09-Oct-21 08:29:03

And although I know nothing about these things, I suggest see a solicitor before you leave, rather than waiting until after.

Good luck flowers

sodapop Sat 09-Oct-21 08:55:24

I agree with previous posters Livlass get advice from a solicitor and before you leave as MamaCaz said.
I'm sorry you have had such an awful time, I hope you have a peaceful life when you get everything sorted out. Good luck thanks

Mapleleaf Sat 09-Oct-21 09:01:54

You need the advice of a solicitor. As you are his wife, you will be entitled to something, but the person with the up to date advice will be a good solicitor. Good luck.

Aldom Sat 09-Oct-21 09:07:29

See a solicitor, go to Age Concern, Citizens Advice. Get as much advice and information as possible. As part of a married couple you have rights. You are not alone. The law is on your side too.
I sincerely hope life will improve for you. You are very brave. Best wishes. flowers

M0nica Sat 09-Oct-21 09:18:21

Here is a link to an Age UK Factsheets thay may be useful

Granniesunite Sat 09-Oct-21 09:29:12

You must consult a solicitor before you leave hard though you feel that to be. Tell her/him everything leave nothing out. Get on to woman's aid... by phone .. and ask for their help in supporting you emotionally to get through this ordeal. He's a bully and will lie about everything.

Shropshirelass Sat 09-Oct-21 09:39:35

You need to get legal advice, you are entitled to something. Don’t leave the home until you have legal help, fight him for what is yours, don’t let him drive you out with nothing, he can’t do that. Stay strong, dig deep and summon up all your resolve, one day you will be free and happy but do it properly and don’t ‘cut your nose off to spite your face’! You can get a restraining order against him if he starts on you. Don’t let him win in his dreadful behaviour, you are worth so much more. Good luck.

Smileless2012 Sat 09-Oct-21 09:40:19

I can only repeat what's already been suggested LivLass, get legal advice before you leave. You're married, he can't leave you with nothing.

Best advice is fromBoadacieJones "take the bastard down".

DiscoDancer1975 Sat 09-Oct-21 10:10:35

He wants you to keep it quiet!!!. NO WAY.

You’re married...half of everything is yours. He’s committed adultery, and as long as you file for divorce within six months of finding this will be granted it immediately.

Tell him to go. Do not leave yourself unless you feel your life is at risk, and then you must call the police. Let everyone know, so you have a better chance of being safe.

What he wants is no longer a consideration. Look after yourself, and take the lead. He’s a cowardly bully. He’ll soon back down once you confront him.

Good luck, and do let us know what happens.

glammanana Sat 09-Oct-21 10:51:07

Livlass What a terrible excuse for a man get to see a solicitor asap for that free half hour of expertise then seek help from Age UK they have all the answers.
You must inform close friends or relatives as to what you are going through you need their support.
Speak to your local HA and see if they can arrange single supported housing for you they are very helpful in situations like this. Best wishes for the future.

midgey Sat 09-Oct-21 10:56:55

Hope you can start salting away the housekeeping money…if he is that sort of man!

travelsafar Sat 09-Oct-21 11:21:50

Is there a womens refuge near you. They may be able to help and point you in the right direction and they may even offer you shelter until you know what is happening about the flat you hope to rent. My heart goes out to you. sad

Mary59nana Sat 09-Oct-21 11:45:22

My heart goes out to to you Livlas x
Good advice have been given and also your GP can help guide you tomrefuge ect
Also medical paper chain shows he has caused you considerable pain with breakdown and it all goes against him in the divorce courts.
He is in for a shock you are entitled to half of everything he owns maybe that's why he is spending it now.

If there is any justice in this world he won't be around long enough to see your future happiness.

Keep us updated please we will all be on your side supporting you xxx

Mary59nana Sat 09-Oct-21 11:46:09

Typo ....To a Refuge

glammanana Sat 09-Oct-21 12:08:40

Just a final comment from me,try and take copies of all his financial details if you can even if it is just phone shots,my friend did this when her ex-oh disputed the amount of funds he held prior to him being notified of divorce proceedings.
Remember you are entitled to half of his private pension if he has one and half the value of the house.

FlexibleFriend Sat 09-Oct-21 14:01:49

The starting point of splitting assets on divorce is 50/50 that does not mean everyone ends up with a 50/50 split. It depends on length of marriage etc. Pensions are probably already in payment for both of you so they may well be left alone unless they are very far apart in amounts being paid. 5 years is considered a short marriage by the courts but 12 years is considered a lengthy marriage, go figure. See a solicitor and stand your ground, ok you've decided to call it a day, it doesn't have to be nasty. Get as much evidence of his adultery as you can, you may need to be sneaky. By all means tell family members what's going on but I'd keep the adultery to myself for the time being, but talk to the solicitor and see what they advise.

Katie59 Sat 09-Oct-21 15:03:46

Your husband is in for a big shock, as it seems you have no assets yourself you get to have a share of his, you won’t get 50% but it will be considerable.
See a solicitor and start a proper divorce, getting evidence of adultery or abuse is not essential, although some reason has to be stated, from what you have said that won’t be a problem.
Hold your head up high and be rid of him.

JaneJudge Sat 09-Oct-21 15:11:30

As everyone else has said, get a solicitor