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Just want for it all to be over

(46 Posts)
Livlass Sat 09-Oct-21 00:38:32

Husband 81 me 75. Been together 14 years,married for 5. Due to his mental abuse and coercive control I,ve had 3 breakdowns in 2 yrs. I feel and probably look such a wreck. But two weeks ago after months of arguing we both agreed to split.He confessed that he hadn’t loved me for years. His house so I had to leave, He won’t give me a penny or any other help. None of my family close to help me. I,ve rented a storage unit and have been slowly moving personal possesssions in. . Hopefully my recent application for a private flat (he doesn’t know where)will come good. I,ve tried so hard for months and if this doesn’t happen I don’t know what I,ll do. All I can take is my clothes,I won’t have furniture,nothing. Money will be so tight and I,m scared at my age of dealing with bills etc. Not only has he been swanning around living the life of a single man embarrassing himself,he’s 81 for goodness sake.BUT along with all the other pain etc he’s caused me, today I,ve found out he’s been ‘cheating’ on me for months. I feel so alone and traumatised that I haven’t told anyone. He doesn’t know I know. He’s even bragged he’s booked himself on an expensive holiday at the end of this month. Alone I doubt it. His family don’t know anything. And HE wants to keep it that way.
Me I,m trying very hard to keep a smile on my face and keep things civil whereas inside I want to do unmentionable things to him. He will never know where I go and once I,m safe then he,ll feel my anger. Inside I,m spitting feathers Why should he get away with ruining my life. What do you grandsnetters suggest? Tell his family everything about their perfect father. Tell the neighbours who think he’s marvellous and his parish council buddies ? Solicitor? to claim some compensation from him for the abuse. Please tell me.

Toula Mon 18-Oct-21 11:19:14

Livlass. Me too. And then some with bells on. So sorry for you in your darkest hours. All solicitors want is cash or equity. They aren't interested in emotions. I was advised by Cit Advice rep to take free advice from as many solicitors as possible. Keep story short apparently. Solicitors switch off if you become emotional. Keep away from mediator solicitors as they just drag matters on for extra cash. Sounds very much like my story - at his age he has nothing to lose as he holds all the assets and will not divorce for this reason. You have to prove his adultery - more money out of your pocket. Like me, you may have to wait for 2-year separation. One solicitor even advised that at least men die earlier than women. At our age, I think the law needs to be quicker regarding divorce. So stay strong and positive. Take each day as it comes. Eat healthy. Exercise. Keep smiling. Talk to strangers about the weather, and go on from there. Volunteer if you are able to. Find that person you once were. Keep your happiest times to the forefront whether as a child or as an adult. Outlive the [email protected]@rd and sincere apologies to all for language unbecoming a septuagenarian.

crazyH Fri 15-Oct-21 16:28:06

Please get a Solicitor immediately, not just any Solicitor, but somehow who specialises in Family Law. Don’t leave the house……
Good luck flowers

2OldForThis Fri 15-Oct-21 16:21:20

Don't make the mistake I did. I left husband before getting legal advice. It weakened my case. His solicitor argued I'd set up a new place to live (rented) and as I earned a low wage would be entitled to housing costs. Therefore after 17 years of marriage and our jointly owned house worth about £130k my ex offered me £8k. I eventually agreed to £20k (after much resistance). Not a great result as I had his 3 daughters aged 10 - 15 years. So please, get legal advice before leaving. Sounds to me like he already knows its to his advantage to get you out. Keep out of his way and tell him nothing of your legal plans. Don't let him get away with fleecing you.

pensionpat Mon 11-Oct-21 13:42:03

I’d like to add advice which is regularly given. on Mumsnet. get your ducks in a row. While he is on his lovely holiday remove or photocopy birth certificate, marriage certificate, bank statements, pension details, passport, medical details. Plus anything else which could be useful at the solicitors. Good luck.

Esspee Mon 11-Oct-21 13:37:57

Livlass. How wonderful that you will at last be free of that horrible man. You refer to him as your husband and if you are married then you are entitled to half of your joint assets.
That should wipe the smile off his face.😁
See a solicitor and have a wonderful rest of your life. 💐

jenpax Mon 11-Oct-21 13:30:28

OP excellent advice has been given here especially by Pammie1 but most vital consult a solicitor IMMEDIATELY! Preferably one who specialises in DV cases.

Pammie1 Mon 11-Oct-21 13:08:56

@Hetty58. Pammie1, I really don't agree with 'don't move out' under these circumstances. Livlass needs to get away from him asap.

This is the recommended legal advice. If she moves out, she can’t apply to Land Registry for protection of matrimonial home rights and could be at a considerable disadvantage when it comes to any divorce settlement. It might only be his name on the deeds, but she has as much right to occupy the property as he does, as they’ve lived there as a married couple for over a year. I agree it’s not the best situation but it’s the best course of action to protect her interests and it would only be temporary until the divorce is sorted out. I don’t see why he should have it all his way. He can’t legally make her leave and why should she struggle when this is just as much her home.

GillT57 Sat 09-Oct-21 23:53:36

Get thee to a solicitor! Don't mess about with the free half an hour stuff,there will be a long queue and you need to get this sorted quickly.

Shelbel Sat 09-Oct-21 21:34:51

I'm very sorry, it must be so diffult. You absolutely have rights and I think your first step should be the citizens advice. Best wishes

Caleo Sat 09-Oct-21 21:04:52

Good for you to feel angry! This is very healthy response. Please check with a solicitor , strange if you are not due something.

Coolgran65 Sat 09-Oct-21 20:19:54

Get an urgent appointment with a matrimonial solicitor hopefully with 30 minutes advice. I
Are you aware of any assets in his own name. Savings or credit union etc. He will be asked for his financial details via his solicitor if he gets one. Or directly. He may or may not declare everything. Could you look about some day he is out.
Please go to a solicitor immediately and also contact womens aid for support and advice. They deal with this all the time. You will not walk away with nothing.

Hetty58 Sat 09-Oct-21 19:54:06

Pammie1, I really don't agree with 'don't move out' under these circumstances. Livlass needs to get away from him asap.

ayse Sat 09-Oct-21 19:52:36

I haven’t any additional to add but I wish you very good luck for a happy future 💐👏🏻

Hetty58 Sat 09-Oct-21 19:50:35

Thoughts of revenge are quite understandable - but hold fire for now. Once you're safely in your new place, you can inform everyone of exactly what you've gone through.

It's most important, though, to get away as soon as possible. That will be such a reward in itself. It will all work out, especially if you make good use of the help available.

SueDonim Sat 09-Oct-21 19:39:32

You’re very brave for making a stand before it’s too late to enjoy the rest of your life. flowers

Do contact Women’s Aid. www.womensaid.org.uk/ They are a fantastic resource to women in your position, no matter your age or anything else. Domestic abuse doesn’t need to be physical, emotional abuse and coercion are also recognised as abusive situations nowadays.

In the meantime, get all your ducks lined up, paper work, passport, certificates, financial trails and anything you can think of that might be relevant.

Very best of luck, Livlass, I hope you’re soon free of this weight around your neck.

westendgirl Sat 09-Oct-21 17:03:56

Solicitor straight away and it could be useful if you are able to do a brief resume of the situation and the circumstances before you go as long as you can keep it hidden.
Very best of luck to you .

Mattsmum2 Sat 09-Oct-21 16:59:57

I divorced a cheating husband, we had been married only 3 years and the house was mine. I tell you this as he, like you, are entitled to start at 50/50 regardless if who owns what. I had to give him enough to buy somewhere to live. He ended up with part of my pension and other assets to the value of just over £100k. So you have rights, there will probably be mediation. Blame doesn’t as far as I was told make any difference unless you have been abused, which it looks like you have. Get a solicitor and best of luck.

AGAA4 Sat 09-Oct-21 16:51:29

So much good advice here. I just want to wish you well and to be rid of this awful man flowers

Pammie1 Sat 09-Oct-21 15:32:36

The first thing to say is don’t move out. Apply to Land Registry for protection under Matrimonial Home rights -just because your name is not on the deeds, does not mean your husband can ask you to leave. It’s your matrimonial home and you are just as entitled to stay there as he is throughout the divorce proceedings. Secondly, you may be entitled to a share of any equity in the property, depending on the amount of time you have lived there as a married couple. Don’t automatically assume you’re not entitled to anything - if you’ve been married for more than a year you’re entitled to a share of his pension and the courts will also look at whether you are entitled to any savings or other money held in bank accounts regardless of whether they are jointly held or not. You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP and get the ball rolling for Matrimonial Home protection as early as you can, so you can concentrate on getting a fair settlement without worrying about where you will live or how the bill will be paid.

Blossoming Sat 09-Oct-21 15:12:40

Please seek legal advice as others have said. If you have proof of his adultery hang on to it, it could come in useful when obtaining a divorce.

Wishing you all the best.

JaneJudge Sat 09-Oct-21 15:11:30

As everyone else has said, get a solicitor

Katie59 Sat 09-Oct-21 15:03:46

Your husband is in for a big shock, as it seems you have no assets yourself you get to have a share of his, you won’t get 50% but it will be considerable.
See a solicitor and start a proper divorce, getting evidence of adultery or abuse is not essential, although some reason has to be stated, from what you have said that won’t be a problem.
Hold your head up high and be rid of him.

FlexibleFriend Sat 09-Oct-21 14:01:49

The starting point of splitting assets on divorce is 50/50 that does not mean everyone ends up with a 50/50 split. It depends on length of marriage etc. Pensions are probably already in payment for both of you so they may well be left alone unless they are very far apart in amounts being paid. 5 years is considered a short marriage by the courts but 12 years is considered a lengthy marriage, go figure. See a solicitor and stand your ground, ok you've decided to call it a day, it doesn't have to be nasty. Get as much evidence of his adultery as you can, you may need to be sneaky. By all means tell family members what's going on but I'd keep the adultery to myself for the time being, but talk to the solicitor and see what they advise.

glammanana Sat 09-Oct-21 12:08:40

Just a final comment from me,try and take copies of all his financial details if you can even if it is just phone shots,my friend did this when her ex-oh disputed the amount of funds he held prior to him being notified of divorce proceedings.
Remember you are entitled to half of his private pension if he has one and half the value of the house.

Mary59nana Sat 09-Oct-21 11:46:09

Typo ....To a Refuge