Difficult sister-in-law

I always think that when there are visitors and the adults are lingering at the table, as you do, it's perfectly acceptable for the children to get down and quietly go and amuse themselves. Nothing you've said makes the children sound badly behaved at all.

If she makes any criticisms this time, I'd laugh it off and point out she's known you long enough by now to know how you live and you couldn't possibly aspire to her higher standards.
Please don't let her make you feel inadequate. People with true class never do that to anyone else.

foxie you sound very gracious, I should take a leaf out of your book.

BlueBelle, we had the same coffee scenario, but in our case it was our ‘builder’s’ tea versus her preferred green tea. ?

I will take all the reassuring comments on board, thanks. It sounds like there are a lot of pita SiLs around.

And yes, DH is a bit wet when it comes to backing me up. I’ve asked him to do the cooking as well.
Fingers crossed.

so if she says the GC should be drawing at the table not on the floor, can you say, no it's fine, we don't mind, it's what they always do here and at home too.
don't let her intimidate you.
it's your house, not hers, and your GC, not hers.
so just try to make that point to her, as she seems to have forgotten it.
nor would i say someone is a fussy eater. but if eg she says oh it's not real coffee, just say no we prefer instant.
so assert yourself, don't apologise or grovel.
she's come to stay; she can't expect to have everything the same as she would at her house.

I've found ignoring what they are saying and just rolling ny eyes helps.

I don't think "just how she is" excuses rudeness.

I wouldn't be having them to stay, nor seeing them at all, given how things are between you. As I've got older, (and been diagnosed with numerous illnesses I live well with), I have definitely embraced ditching problematic people, be they friends or relatives. Life is too short and I want my life to be fun, (plus for health I require it to be as stress free as possible), so I would not endure this kind of behaviour from anyone I encounter.

I hope your sil is not staying too long with you. I don't have any advice for you apart from just grin and bear it then forget about it. I have a friend who is a bit like that . She has just been diagnosed with Autism at 56. It explains a lot about her annoying behaviour. Maybe your Sil is like my friend.

Some people are very clever, maybe talented in some amazing spheres and others are talented in loving, caring and homeliness. You are the latter, your sister in law is probably not someone who can make a loving home. Revel in that knowledge and the fact that you have wonderful grandchildren who can enjoy being in your house. Does she? She's probably envious of you. Never, ever feel inadequate to someone so uncaring, which she is because she does not care about your feelings.

This SiL - does she have children/grandchildren of her own ?
I have noticed that many childless women have become instant experts on everything to do with childcare!
So, your SiL has a lot of crafting hobbies that appear technical - well maybe while you are spending time with your lovely children and grandchildren, she has the time to craft.
Don't ever feel subordinate to her. We all have our place in the world and all contribute in some way. We are all valued.
If she criticises the food you prepare, just quietly say that you are quite happy with the menu, thank you, but the kitchen is there for her to use at any time !

I posted on the last thread about in laws. I wouldn’t have my sister in law to stay but I think your case is different as yours has some good points. Just try to think of her as the family eccentric or Aunt March from Little Women. Good luck !

Ooh I've had the rude guests. They weren't invited back. But then they weren't family when it gets more difficult. Remember it's your home, your rules. Prepare your ammunition beforehand and deliver it with a smile pinned on your face! Remember you are not inferior to anyone. Our lives just go in different directions. She was probably your DH's bossy sister in childhood and hasn't grown up yet.

Your house, your rules and no one should make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. She should be grateful that you invite her to stay and if she complains about the food tell her to book a restaurant for the rest of her stay.

I have a friend who always brings her green tea bags with her - I do the same with de- caf coffee as not everyone has it. It seems the sensible thing to do.

Says things like “My feelings are hurt when you say that!” Or “I think the children are fine!” You don’t have to tolerate snide comments. Even “you make me feel inadequate” which is what someone once said to me. Because I cook! I remember my own daughter complaining about her grandfather’s “teasing” and I said, in front of him, “that’s very unkind, isn’t it!” He took the hint. You don’t have to be rude but you’re not a doormat

Best advice I ever got from fellow grans netters was to stop Sil from visiting our home.
You are clearly a lovely, warm, welcoming person.
It’s your home remember that.
Let your husband visit her in future.
Life is too short. Enjoy yourself with your grand children

Your SiL probably doesn't know she is doing it.
I was once told by a friend that I was intimidating because I was so efficient. I had just never seen it myself and now try to just relax when I am at other people's houses and not try to do everything although it is hard not to do their washing up as we go along especially at my DC's homes.

I totaly agree with Baggs.

I do like this reply, Foxie. We can't just sever family ties willy nilly. Tolerance is vital - and having a giggle after a rocky visit, is the perfect balm.

I would just go stay at hers and luxuriate in her wonderful house,cooking, etc and treat it like a holiday.
I woukd not have her to stay,meet up on natural ground l say.
I certainly would not stop my grandchildren coming round and sorry l would not have her making comments about them,l would have to say something!

My SIL is exactly the same. Visited me at the field where I keep my ponies and refused coffee because it was instant! I wish I didn't let it bother me but it does so I totally understand where OP is coming from.

I'd use the Mumsnet classic response, 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

No one absolutely no one would be allowed (by me) to treat me in this way in my own home and if they did they wouldn't get a second chance If they criticised DGC they would be straight out the door My husband wouldn't tolerate this either Tell her her opinions are neither sought nor appreciated

Lots of good tips already. I would just ask though if you think she means to be rude? We have a relative who winds many of the family up at times, but we also know she doesn’t mean to be unkind- her filter is a bit lacking and she speaks without thinking. Occasionally she does catch herself (not often!) and acknowledges that something came out wrong but she has many good points too, so most people tend to overlook her less welcome comments. I think the best advice here is that only you can allow someone else to make you feel inadequate. It sounds to me like you are happy with your life as it is, so just try to shrug off anything you see as an attack but gently indicate the comment was uncomfortable (eg I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy dinner, I always enjoy your food and wouldn’t like to feel a guest hasn’t enjoyed mine. Would you prefer to bring something for yourself next time? The suggestion being that everyone else is happy). Hopefully a little shift on each side will lead to greater harmony, which I think is the aim given the siblings are close.

BlueBelle

I have a sister in law similar Shes not an awful lady she and my brother in law are well off but quite generous and definitely not nasty people but they have no idea that sometimes what they say can feel hurtful to someone not so well off and they do come across as snobs
A couple of years ago they were staying with friends in my area they d never been this way before and said they d call and take me out to lunch which was a lovely thought They called at my house and of course I offered them a coffee before we set off my sister in law asked me what type of coffee I had, I told her (whatever it was ) Nescafé or whatever and the answer I got was no thank you if you haven’t got percolated I d rather not have any at all.
Ouch!! Then in conversation they said how lovely the area I was I said Well there’s always a bed made up anytime you would like to come back, the answer Thank you but we prefer something more luxurious’
Why couldn’t they just have said ‘thanks’ then just never took my offer up
It hurt…. my house isn’t anything bad it really isn’t

Oh BlueBelle that's awful, however did you hold your tongue! They may be very nice people in other ways, but how can they not realise how rude and hurtful their comments are?

Years ago I had an aunt like that. My Mum ignored her forthright remarks and criticisms to avoid conflict. But as I got older it really irritated me and on one occasion I told her she was rude and ungrateful. My Mum told me off! My aunt said she would not be visiting again as I was such an undisciplined child (I was 14 I think), and she never did. My Mum never let me forget it.

in an ideal world ,families should be a safe haven from the slings and arrows..in reality they can be the worst ship ever sailed.