Who has a son and it hurts?

Forgive me for answering this in the wee small hours but sleep frequently eludes me. As an alcoholic 6 years sober on Saturday, having 4 sons, and estranged from one of them I thought I could comment. I also have a daughter by the way.

It can hurt to be the mother of any one of my sons. It can also sometimes hurt to be mum to daughter and DIL. That said I know what you mean as one of my son's has at times been a challenge to me. We have been estranged now for 8 years but he is not close to any of his family members. Do I as his mum, and a sober alcoholic, have to take ownership of how he is? I think not but there will be aspects of my personality and way of raising him which will have led us to this point. I do believe it is the same for all children. At the end of the day though most of us trudge through life doing our best. I feel the need at this time to focus on my own health and well- being as I get a bit older. I want to be well and happy to enjoy and contribute to life with family and friends. So I think you should follow suit and put your foot down a little. At the age of 51 your son needs to find other means of support to deal with his issues. I can see the problem with the dynamic in my son's 'new family'. I really can but it is his choice to live the way he now does - oh he has his own business etc, hard working man. I know he is well so just leave him to get on with his life. Your son? Well it very much depends on his state of mind and if he has illness underlying the alcohol problem.

All I want to say Campanula is he hurts you and his sister because you are safe he knows you are always there for him remember the saying you always hurt the one you love
I m sure he is not doing it on purpose and he has done well to be sober 6 years
Pull back a little bit and start doing nice things for yourself
He puts you down to feel more in control he probably feels useless and a failure and jealous of his happy sister so he feels the need to put others down too
He’s unhappy and needs everyone else to feel his pain
I think Al anon may help you put things in place
You have done so well start thinking of you and every good luck in the world

Bluebelle it sounds like you may be right. I have a painful son and a not-painful son. I wonder if my painful son is trying to assert control because he feels useless and a failure too? I don't know what he has said to my other son, but he wants nothing to do with him. I wish he would get help for himself and stop pushing us away or putting others down.

There is support out there and help for those who want it, but the problem I have had with my painful son is that he doesn't want help, he wants attention and doesn't care what he does to get it- and when he doesn't get his own way and have control of a situation, he cuts people off. If only he would engage with the people who could help him, our family would be in such a different place.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. I mean, you can tell them about all the help out there, but if they do not want to change, they won't. They will try to take you down with them, so it's definitely good to make your own life busy and as good as you can.

You are all so fantastic, but it’s so hard to change the habits of a lifetime

It is but it can be necessary. You can't change his behaviour but you can change your own. I am so sorry as I know it is painful to be treated like this

When he "puts you down" how do you react? What did he do that made the birthday meal a complete train wreck? I understand if you don't wish to give more detail but it could be helpful for suggesting alternatives to your responses.

Madgran
I doubt if the OP is still reading. She last commented on her OP a month ago October 18.

Thanks Madgran77 What you said is true. All we can do is change our own behaviour. The one thing I've done is stop making the effort because he makes none.

Merylstreep that's a shame! I hope she comes back.