Husband's hoarding tendencies driving me up the wall

Oh Grans, are we all married to the same man? Mr Dot has some spare roof tiles that were in the garage when we moved in in 1986 - he has kept them all this time, there must be 30 of them, and every time he clears (haha) the garage he moves them about - until - eventually - we had a new roof - he was so smug that AT LAST the sodding things would come in useful, and was so proud when he presented them to the roofer - only to be told that they only cost 50p each...................

M0nica

Artaylar I am another for whom an ordered environment is essential for my well being. In my youth I used to say that i could not marry anyone who smoked or was untidy. Well, DH doesn't smoke and hid his untidyness very well. He is not a hoarder per se, but in his whole life I do not think he has ever shut a door, a drawer or a cupboard and he never puts anything away. Milk will be left beside the fridge, squash on the worktop above the cupboard it belongs in. I often wonder how many years of my life I have spent, shutting doors, drawers and cupboards, putting things a way, switching off lights and looking for things he has put down, he knows not where, and now cannot find.

Like others I am happier with him than without, but just now and again I need to have a rant.

I know this is an older post, but it made me laugh. I have one who is exactly the same as MOnica's.

Unfortunately, though, I'm the hoarder in our family...

eazybee

.... his hoarding tendencies are a real challenge. I prefer a very clutter free environment, in fact its pretty essential to my feeling of well being. DH on the other hand is perfectly happy to live with crapola everywhere and enjoys nothing more than buying more stuff to add to it.

So no compromise? 'I prefer a clutter free environment because it is essential to my well-being'; so that is what you have.
What about his well-being? Perhaps his piles of 'crapola', as you so delightfully call them, are essential to his well-being, giving him a sense of security. Perhaps he actually likes possessions, not a void.
He is not a child and you are not his mother; you are supposedly equal partners.

eazybee unless you are comfortable with chaos - in which case you'd be right at home here - you really have no idea; if you are not comfortable with chaos, it's unlikely that you would last 2 minutes here.

Chaos is when you can no longer see the carpet and your own home becomes a health and safety/trip hazard for poor 25Avalon

While clutterfree would be my ideal environment, its a rarity here, and therein lies the compromise. With a lot of blood, sweat and tears, I managed to get this place like something resembling clutterfree for the recent party, which was all worth it as we all had a lot of fun - and there was even some room for some dancing

No he is not my child, and I am not his mother. Likewise, he is not my master and I am not his servant - though it sometimes feels like it. His 'security' with the chaos, is my oppression.

Apart from the dynamics of the home environment, we get along really well and its an equal and loving partnershp.

I'm a tidy soul also living with a bit of a hoarder. Not so bad as some of you but living with clutter equal chaos and anxiety for me. The problem here is that he has lived in this house for over 40 years whilst I moved in only 5 years ago. He was very accommodating about the 'stuff' I brought with me. I've always had a place for everything and everything in its place, anything unnecessary wouldn't be give a space. He has so many empty files and ring binders, every box from old razors, phones, countless charging cables, empty shoeboxes, and I won't start on the medications.
But I've learnt to be more relaxed about it all and just accept he is the way he is - I am the way I am. In so many ways we are compatible. No such thing as perfect.

DH has loads of stuff, reasonably well contained, especially nowadays, as he seems to have given up on most of his hobbies, so things dont get used any more. But they still have to be kept, be it the tools, polishes, paints, tools, electronic bits in the garage or boxed up in the loft, if the books we never read, the CDs we never listen to….. why cant he agree to have a clear out?

.... his hoarding tendencies are a real challenge. I prefer a very clutter free environment, in fact its pretty essential to my feeling of well being. DH on the other hand is perfectly happy to live with crapola everywhere and enjoys nothing more than buying more stuff to add to it.

So no compromise? 'I prefer a clutter free environment because it is essential to my well-being'; so that is what you have.
What about his well-being? Perhaps his piles of 'crapola', as you so delightfully call them, are essential to his well-being, giving him a sense of security. Perhaps he actually likes possessions, not a void.
He is not a child and you are not his mother; you are supposedly equal partners.

welbeck, if hoarding is a mental condition (seems likely) then, equally, excessive tidiness is too. With my mother it was OCD and germphobia.

Everything 'belonged' in it's allocated storage space, so had a 'home' where it 'lived'. If you put something down (e.g. a book, for a trip to the loo) it disappeared immediately. It drove us mad!

I like a balance now, a bit of order with a little chaos. At least my kids could have their toys all over the floor.

The "Untidy" may very well know which pile it was in, so tidying makes them lose things.
A slight black of organisation, putting things back where they came, from often leads to duplication (or worse) of items, in our house.

i think hoarding is a mental condition, and very difficult to change.
thinking you can kind of cure someone of it, is a bit like thinking you can cure them of alcoholism.
it's doomed to failure and can be very depressing.
some progress can be made if the person themselves wants to, and with good specialist therapy.
but that is rare, sadly.
don't know what to suggest, except strictly demarked zones.

My DH is another one who cannot use storage boxes - or baskets or cupboards or drawers. He likes his stuff all over the floor, then he can find it.

I’ve lived like this for years with it all getting worse and worse. Dh has some kind of compulsive disorder which he has had since hospitalised at 2 and enforced by his mother. I thought I could change it but I can’t. I do get angry though. I practically broke my leg getting to the washing machine in the utility room for football kit including a giant bag of footballs, dumped everywhere, but does he care? Doesn’t seem to.

Covid apart I haven’t wanted to invite anyone in for years. Mostly I’ve given up now. You can’t keep fighting. I have no answer to help you with artayler except my understanding. Ignore the unpleasant postings. Unless you’ve lived with it you have no idea.

It would make me physically ill as I cannot function in chaos.

Look on the bright side!
You seem to be among the things that he wants to keep!

If he has a space that all his junk precious possessions can go, and you can shut the door on it.
Then let him have it.
Keep the rest of the house as you would wish.
This is what I would do if I could.
The trouble comes when he runs out of room?

It’s quite reassuring to read others posts about hoarding partners - my DH has gone out for the day in a huff after a row and I came on here to see how others cope. I’m firmly in the camp of needing a well ordered environment for my well being and I achieve this but as we get older , mid seventies, his refusal to throw anything away, his compulsive buying of books, about 3 per week from Amazon, is making it harder and harder for me to cope. He buys tools that aren’t used, musical instruments, amps, keyboards, materials for hobbies that he then gives up. He has been very successful in his working life, but I’ve been a huge support/enabler. I wonder if us seeing a therapist together might help - I would like him to acknowledge that his hoarding affects me very negatively, but I don’t think he will. Maybe I should just shut the door on his domain and ignore it…. I’ve employed a cleaner as I’m struggling with things and perhaps I should exclude his area completely from any attempts to clean?

I wouldn't go so far as saying my husband is a hoarder to the extent that things are piling up in corners, nothing like that.
He buys clothes and never moves any of his old things out. So I very discreetly move them on to the charity shop, he never notices. He collects bits of wood, these make there way into the bin. I am very tidy have a place for everything so there is no way I would put up with piles of things stacked up anywhere.

We both have hobbies that could easily lead to "hobby creep" but I am quite firm about keeping our stuff out of the living room unless it is tidied away again almost immediately. We are lucky to have enough crafting space to make this viable but it is a constant battle. I have a horror of becoming a hoarding victim unable to receive visitors. On a practical note I bought us each a storage trolley which does encourage containment!

My DH makes little piles of stuff all over the flat. It’s a very small flat. I don’t mind the flat looking lived in but it all gets out of hand very quickly, with clothes everywhere, post, paper, cables, technology, music stuff. All his fishing gear is in the garage with no room for anything else.

I have two plastic boxes in the garage with decorating stuff and gardening stuff. I’m a sewer but when I get stuff out to do I put it away when I’ve finished for the day.

All sympathy for anyone who deals with other people’s stuff on a daily basis. I just wish they’d tidy up when they’ve finished instead of leaving it all lying about.

We both hoard, but in different ways.
OH for stuff to sell at car boots to fund raise for an animal charity (Almost TWO bedrooms!)
Me for my hobbies and the stuff that I make.
So we more or less tolerate each other's annoying habit!
Apart from the occasional"Why don't you get rid of that junk?

I think you're very patient Artaylar.
I hope you enjoy your birthday celebrations.?

nadateturbe

Hetty58

Artaylar, I'm wondering how he puts up with you, to be honest. Why should you control the shared home - to the point of dictating how much 'crapola' is allowed out in plain sight?

You may prefer the minimalist look - but he might feel it's cosy being surrounded by his things. Talk to him about it. Maybe he needs his own area/s - and you yours?

Why should he control it? Surely both partners need to feel it's cosy Hetty.
My husband keeps all his stuff in his space, not a shared space.
I would not like to think having visitors was a problem because of untidy clutter. I don't find that acceptable.

Thanks for that nadateurbe.

Hetty58 its not as straightforward as it may look, and not a matter of me preferring the minimalist look (in my dreams), just some semblance of order rather than fighting constant chaos would be enough, and a wee bit of effort on DH's part when it comes to something as important as tomorrow.

I guess one answer to how he puts up with me is that no bugger else would put up with him

Its all pretty much done and dusted here now, with just some last minute bits for tomorrow, so I'm a very happy bunny.

Luckily we both like our home to be clean and fairly tidy, but not excessively so.
Our DGC comes here for childcare so our home is child-friendly, so no DIY of any description kept indoors. When their use is finished, they wait in the porch until DH takes them to the garage.
I suppose it's about give and take, whoever has the energy and the will to clear up just gets on and does it, well most of the time anyway!

Hetty58

Artaylar, I'm wondering how he puts up with you, to be honest. Why should you control the shared home - to the point of dictating how much 'crapola' is allowed out in plain sight?

You may prefer the minimalist look - but he might feel it's cosy being surrounded by his things. Talk to him about it. Maybe he needs his own area/s - and you yours?

Why should he control it? Surely both partners need to feel it's cosy Hetty.
My husband keeps all his stuff in his space, not a shared space.
I would not like to think having visitors was a problem because of untidy clutter. I don't find that acceptable.

Oh thanks for the pm. That's very thoughtful of you, and I can assure you very welcome.
I'm glad you mentioned it, as I dont check the inbox often.

I find that so very sad Namsnanny, and I can certainly understand what you are up against. Feel free to moan away. I've sent you a PM on our shared woes