My daughter-in-law dominates my son

If he is that unhappy, he can decide what to do

Your DH's ear may be all DS needed. He is choosing his path, presumably she doesn't have him tied up and cloistered. Some friends think I make all decisions, I don't. But people outside my home could see that fact differently.

Are men who can't assert themselves actually attractive to some women?

I have to agree with others on here Readerjb you and your husband are offering support and a listening ear for your son and that is all you should do at the moment. It's up to your son to make his own decisions about his life.
It's so hard when we can't resolve things for our adult children as we did when they were young.

He must sort it out himself
You say she is a wonderful mother and has always made all the decisions Well seven years of him accepting that behaviour has made it acceptable for her to continuing wearing the trousers
If he had wanted it differently he should have been more assertive from the beginning He was happy to go along with it so somethings has now changed in him bug he needs to talk to her and tell her what needs to change
It’s all very well unloading on his dad but that won’t help the situation only he can change it not you or his dad and all it’s done is make you and his dad more worried and unhappy

Some men are just lazy/ can’t be bothered and leave a lot, if not all decisions to their wives. This gets to be a habit, the wife takes responsibility and takes the lead and the husband has an easy life.
I bet most wives would be happy to share the load, but when they always hear ‘I don’t mind’ ‘ or ‘ it’s up to you to decide’ they have little choice but to make the decisions.
I am not saying this is the position with your son and wife but he really needs to talk with his wife. Try not to get involved.

Thanks to everyone- I’m taking in the fact that he needs to address the problem with his wife. He works in senior management and I’ve therefore decided to say just one thing to him:“You’re a professional negotiator, use your skills”.

That sounds like a plan reader then leave it to them to sort out
Good luck

anna7

Not very kind Peasblossom. Is a son not allowed to discuss a problem that is making him unhappy with his parents? If the son was a daughter who was talking a problem over with her parents would that be 'whining to mummy and daddy' too?

Of course it wouldn't, it seems that the sexist hypocrisy of other sites is alive and well here too. It does appear that in many households the female rules the roost, along with her family. The male is expected to 'support' her, ie agree with whatever she says, irrespective of his own opinions. The fact remains that where there are children the woman has the whip hand, far too often the children are weaponised when she can't have exactly what she wants.

Excellent post EMM "far too often the children are weaponised when she can't have exactly what she wants".

Peasblossom

Well there we are. She’s domineering, he’s a grown man who, instead of sorting out his own relationships goes off whining to mummy and daddy to sort it out for him.

And mummy and daddy are ready to step in and “help”.

He’s unhappy. I don’t expect she’s very happy either.

Is there really any need for the sarcastic "mummy and daddy" remark

It's a really tough one but you have to remember that he chose her and if he doesn't like the way she treats him it's up to him to do something - not you.

Either he'll accept the situation and just do as he's told or, one day, he'll leave. I doubt that she'll ever change, whatever he does. It's his problem to sort out.

I love my daughter in law, tell her so regularly and support her in every way. If she could be called bossy, so be it. My son's life is so much better now and she has steered him in positive directions that I never could. He has an extremely strong character but, he loves his 'wifey' and kids more than anything.

you say you have a good relationship with DIL so dont spoil it be interfering just be there for both of them

I think that if her mother was "domineering" , your DiL may not realise that there is any other way to be a wife!
It's really good that your son feels that he can talk to his dad but neither you, or your husband can really give any opinion on the matter beyond being a sounding board.
I have seen so many marriages where one of the couple really refused to make a decision as and when needed on anything, beyond muttering "do as you like" . Are you absolutely sure that your son, when asked for his opinion hasn't done the same ?
If your son is so unhappy, it is up to him to tell his wife and see if there is any compromise that they can reach. Either that or it might be better that they separate . BUT he must tell your DiL just what he is thinking. It may end up in a huge row, or it may bring DiL up short - she may well be frustrated in his lack of input and it is making her worse, as she can see no point in actually asking about anything! It might seem quicker to her to make decisions rather than your son waffling as a lot of men seem to do !
Is there any way you could take the children for a day and your DS and DiL spend some time as a couple?

Would it be the same reaction if it was a daughter seeking support because of a bullying husband?
Purely a personal opinion but I often think it's not bullying, it's coercive control and either party can be guilty of that.

I think it's a good thing that your son can talk about it etc, even if there's very little that you can do. In fact, I'd suggest that the best way forward is to suggest that your son seeks counselling....that may help him become more assertive in his relationship.

As someone else commented, I'm also not convinced that 'good mothers' are bullies to anyone! Children growing up watching someone being controlled.....?

EMMF1948

anna7

Not very kind Peasblossom. Is a son not allowed to discuss a problem that is making him unhappy with his parents? If the son was a daughter who was talking a problem over with her parents would that be 'whining to mummy and daddy' too?

Of course it wouldn't, it seems that the sexist hypocrisy of other sites is alive and well here too. It does appear that in many households the female rules the roost, along with her family. The male is expected to 'support' her, ie agree with whatever she says, irrespective of his own opinions. The fact remains that where there are children the woman has the whip hand, far too often the children are weaponised when she can't have exactly what she wants.

I think you’ll find I immediately said that it would be exactly the same if a daughter was going to her parents to sort out her relationship problems.

Yes I was sarcastic and I regret my acidity. It wasn’t helpful.

Nevertheless I stand by my analysis, that the son is displaying a pattern of behaviour in which he turns to other rooms to deal with the difficulties of his life. His wife (who has now taken charge of everything) and his parents (who are also used to stepping in to smooth things out for him).

It is very rare that behaviour patterns exist in isolation. That is why people can behave quite differently indifferent social settings.

For any one person’s behaviour to change, those around them may have to consider the possibility of change as well.

Not other rooms, No idea how that popped n.

I have suffered the same problems with 1 dil and they are now separated. Men need to stand up to their partners and make joint decisions which make them both happy and not keep telling them what to do and who they can see etc. It works both ways and the more power a bossy woman has, she will use it.

I'd just like to say that topics discussed like this are fabulous! So much hard won wisdom distilled.

anna7

Not very kind Peasblossom. Is a son not allowed to discuss a problem that is making him unhappy with his parents? If the son was a daughter who was talking a problem over with her parents would that be 'whining to mummy and daddy' too?

when its his wife? no. And of course vice versa

He had 3 choices
Leave her
Stay as it is
Stand up to her and tell her it is unacceptable and marriage is an equal partnership. Challenge her when she tries to bully him and make changes.
As grandparents stay out of it completely or if they part you may loose all contact

He needs to man up. He needs to tell her quietly that he doesn't like the way she treats him. She will probably respect this.

This sounds exactly like my son and his partner except he has left the relationship on a couple of occasions and come home to us when things got really bad. He returned the next day because he is terrified of losing the children. Unfortunately his partner sent me all sorts of quite aggressive messages when my son came home. I didn’t reply because the argument was between the two of them. However she does not speak to me at the moment and that means seeing my grandchildren is very difficult. I have suggested counselling to my son but that has not happened. He is not assertive at all and the whole situation is a huge worry.