My daughter-in-law dominates my son

"if you have bad things to say about your DIL and you may never see your GC again" and there in lies the problem. It's not just the GP's who are punished in this way, many father's have to fight tooth and nail to see their own children and of course, it's the children who suffer the most.

love0c

'Man up'? Staying with your wife, staying quiet, keeping her sweet in order to keep your children. That is the mark of 'A Man' in my opinion. Not everyone is willing to 'Man up', to put their children's happiness before their own.

This - and it almost makes a 'refreshing change' as 99% of the time, it is the wife/woman/mother, who has to do this to keep the family together.

Nothing you can do, as the mil, for sure, without making things a lot more difficult for them, the children and you!

Summerlove

It’s interesting
Once upon a time my in-laws would have said I was controlling everything in our family. DHs sibling was convinced they’d never seen him so miserable. That he was letting me be unfair to his family.

We have no idea where that idea came from. Perhaps an occasional complaint? They complained I’d changed him.

What they didn’t see was him quietly agreeing with me. Choosing not to do things as his family had done previously. It was all seen as him being weak. I found that so insulting.

What it was was him having support to not just fall in line.

But I was labeled the bitch who stole him for years. The bitch who dominated him.

Sounds like you’re writing my life with my husband’s family. His sister definitely didn’t help. She once said if my husband wasn’t her brother...she’d fancy him!? Not something I’d expect even in jest.

So there I had it, jealousy was the backbone of all our problems.

Marriages are complicated things. How it appears might not be how it is, and all marriages have their ups and downs. Some survive, some don’t.

But, he needs to be discussing this with his wife, no one else. It’s not really helpful to involve other family members in marital problems,

He’s an adult with choices - he can either leave the situation as it is, show someone assertiveness and stand his ground, or leave.

I would stay right out of it. Getting involved will probably cause more problems for everyone.

My sister was like this. Her husband left her. She refused to even go to counseling: it was all his problem apparently.

Yes it's a big problem but they have to sort it out/work on it. Don't get involved just be there to listen and to pick up the pieces for your son if it ends. The DIL could well react by restricting your access to GC's if she is upset by something you say. There's nothing you can do or say that will help. If that's just her personality then she won't change. My sister didn't.

Readerjb she sounds an absolute- lost girl. Seems she can only function when in full control of things.wonder what's made her like that? Oh ya! The mutti......you really cannot say anything about the situation other than be always there for your boy to "blow off" to.he'll have his time one day.

A lot of mil's blame DIL for all the problems.I have seen and known many men who are happy to let their wives sort out their lives while they continue to live like single men .

Maybe ask your DIL is SHE happy in her marriage ,you may be surprised by her answer.Mothers tend to think their offspring can do no wrong,sadly that is rarely the case,there are young children involved maybe he doesn't do his share of childcare or help in the home ,maybe he spends on stupid stuff...you have no idea what goes on between them so dont jump to conclusions .
Main thing is you stay out of it ,if its as bad as you think and she is at fault then its not your problem its his.
Would you have liked your mother or MIL to interfere in your marriage?

It's quite possible that going to counselling on his own would give him strategies to start changing things, if there are enough positive things still in the marriage and he wants to make it better.
If he doesn't feel he can see a counsellor, there is quite a lot of material online about dealing with a controlling/domineering partner.
He probably can't/shouldn't attempt to change totally overnight but pick some areas where he feels his wishes are overruled and gently stick to his guns. He doesn't need to be aggressive with it. He can be loving and praise his wife for things she's doing well but stand his ground over one or to issues to start with. Maybe initiating discussions on things that are further in the future but she would normally just decide would allow time for proper agreement and compromise.
He may be in a management position at work, but negotiating with family members can be something else entirely! That said, he could consider strategies he might use in the workplace and how he might amend them to apply at home.
She also may not be aware of how domineering she is, especially if it was the norm in her family for her mother to make all the decisions when she was growing up. It may not be at the level of deliberate abuse, bullying, gaslighting etc and hopefully it's not too late to address it.
Probably all you can do is listen and be there for him without trying to fix it for him or be too critical of his wife.

I wince when I hear of people complaining about their spouses to their parents. Often times, the couple works through the issue, but the parents only hear about the negatives, which absolutely impacts how they view their DIL/SIL.

It's unfair to everyone, imo.

Who wants to have dinner with people who've heard private marital struggles with your partner? Or worse, has no clue that intimate marriage issues have been shared with the people who are at their dinner table?

There's a level of betrayal involved, I feel. If you're struggling in your marriage, you need to sort it with your spouse, perhaps with the assistance of a therapist (be it couples or individual), not be involving family members. You may forgive your partner, but there's zero guarantee your parents will. Parents and family members aren't neutral third parties.

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