Older husband - how big a consideration should early widowhood or caring duties be?

A friend married a man 15 years her senior. For the last 10 years he had Alzheimers, but that is a progressive disease, and only for the last few years was she his carer. He died when she was 70 and they had been married nearly 50 years, brought up three children, launched them into the world and had grand children they both enjoyed.

I do not think she has ever regretted marrying an older man

I am 59, my husband is 83. We have been married for 33 years and it is first marriage for both of us.

Biggest regret, I wish we had more children. I was worried about the possibility of being a young widow with little ones, so we only have one daughter.

Despite the age gap, we have spent a lot of time together. After he retired, he decided to open an internet business selling high end collectibles, so I was busy helping him set it up in my spare time, the website was quite successful and kept us very busy.

I was lucky that my husband is still in relatively good health. I did not have to cut short my full time career, stay at home and look after him, which enables me to retire early sometime next year with a company pension at a time when he will be requiring more and more support from me.

The main issue now is travel, before the pandemic, we have to go on a 15 hours direct flight to see my family on the other side of the world, we also have a second property there, I am not sure how much longer my husband can make this journey.

If anything happens to my husband, I will be devastated. I will not be involved with another man; second relationship seems too complicated and too much drama for me.

My daughter is in her early thirties, her partner same age as her, she told me she will never consider an older guy.

I, on the other hand, always advise her to be self sufficient and not be dependent on any man for money.

Maybee70, that happens a lot. Up to the individual if you would like/wish a new relationship but I don't understand why so many people do not make/update their wills. The other thing is in certain occupations, if you remarry, you then lose your husbands occupational pension. This is why a widowed friend of mine did not marry her new partner, she would have lost the part she received of her first husbands occupational pension. An antiquated and outdated attitude, but it stands. God forbid if anything happened to my OH. I will not be bothering with anyone else. To my mind it's a minefield legally. The little I have will be for my adult children and grandchild- nobody else. Ive known people in second marriages who have been very happy, but Ive known others that have been complete disasters.

I have been married for 42 years - I was 21 and he 33. I was far too young. Apart from first few years, not
been a happy marriage but have 2 wonderful, loving AC and 4 gorgeous GC. I am now 65 and he almost 77. Now husband becoming quite reclusive. He dislikes going out, holidays and even staying overnight with family. We do not share tastes in music or tv programmes. I feel there is now almost a generational division.
I belong to the U3A and walk a lot by myself, or if I can organise it, see friends or volunteer. I have been on two very short holidays by myself. I long to travel (as allowed), go to the theatre or music events - as do many of my happily married friends. Widowed or divorced ladies I know seem to more easily get together to organise these things. I feel neither married nor single. In the past I’ve, to my shame, not been brave enough for divorce. My husband has a very heavy drinking/ alcoholic past and can get angry, though never violent. This situation improved somewhat when I was on the point of leaving. He now self neglects and takes no exercise + he sits at the computer most of the day. He is depressed and very hard of hearing but refuses to go to the doctor. He is becoming increasingly needy and isolated and I am terrified as to what the future may hold. I have had counselling 3 times, which helped whilst I attended sessions. I feel sorry for him and also do not wish any caring responsibilities to fall on my children.
I did not start this reply to the poster and others with the intention to pour my heart out or to rant, so I apologise.
Only from my own experience I would say that a considerable age difference does matter in that it exacerbates other issues and problems. I think that if you have a strong character and share interests, the life could be good. Marriage is not a necessity for that. As for early widowhood, that is unknown.

My husband is 3 years younger than me. He had a serious, disabling stroke in 2018 at the age of 60. He had been a fit, athletic man, never smoked, took drugs or drank - not even tea and coffee, so it was a shock. I suddenly became his carer, while I was recovering from cancer. It has been depressing, imprisoning and tough for us both. People often say why don't I get help? But the most risky time for him is when he eats and during the night - he has been left with a "dangerous swallow" and chokes every day - neither of us has had a full night's sleep since 2018 :-( and I have saved his life on several occasions.

So looking into the future to consider the likely risk of becoming a carer for your partner is pointless. And in any case, isn't that vow about "for better for worse, in sickness and health" valid anymore?

Interesting, as i was today googling re support group for younger women married to older men. We met 35+ years ago, i was 25 and he 42. Now we are 63 and 80, and i am finding it incredibly hard x

Madly in love I was 19 when I married my late, first husband with 19 years between us. I was always of the opinion he would outlive me being of “good yeoman stock”. Unfortunately Boxing Day 2008 he was admitted to hospital with a suspected stroke and other problems. In my naivety I always assumed I would be taking him home. January 8th 2009, just 2 weeks later, after 42 years of marriage, not always plain sailing, and aged exactly 80 years and one month he passed away. I drove home at 1.45am through the snow with my heart breaking. Yes, we had our problems but I never thought it would end as it did. Personality’s, consideration and compassion all have to be taken into account in any marriage, whatever the ages. You just have to weigh it all up and take into account all eventualities. As a postscript I have just been so, so fortunate to marry again to a wonderful man.

Exactly TerriBull. There is a new member on the site now, in exactly this position and trying to extricate herself.

If you're going into it, go in eyes wide open.

Op, I wonder (kindly) if the sisters who are advising you have experienced first hand whatever situation you are currently living in?.

It’s easy for onlookers to advise if they see it from their own position of being happily married and, for example, if you are widowed. They will not have walked in your shoes.

As a widow I now have a firm lifelong friendship with a live-apart partner, with an age gap, over a number of years. If it helps, it started out as a “whirlwind” and stayed that way for a long time, then evolved into FWB, then after lockdown, now just firm loyal friends - always with the separation of our own homes and never an intention to form one household.

The age difference has presented some health and caring issues at differing times, some of which I could willingly take on, but others affected my own health and physical and mental wellbeing - and I have had to step away on occasion to protect myself.

As I see it, in middle/older age it’s lovely to gain new friendships and make the most of every day - I would say maintain your own independence, don’t hurry, take time, just enjoy what you currently have, perhaps even without needing to flrmalisd it further. Enjoy it for what it is?

GagaJo

Dempie55

I don't know how old you are, but I do know that I, at 66, would never consider marrying again, even if they were the same age as me. I do not want to be cooking someone's tea and caring for them as they decline. I don't want to have to cope with someone's dementia.

I reckon I have another 20 years if I'm very lucky. Once this bloody virus is over and done with, that will hopefully be 20 years of caring for dogs and cats, travel, fun, friendship and laughter. I am happy to pass on the romance.

I'm younger than you, but this is how I feel.

I completely understand that point of view, there is a hell of a lot of difference in a relationship where there has been happiness and longevity than that of a prospective scenario in the taking on of an older partner when you yourself are no longer in the first flush of youth. I do remember my mother expressing that as a widow having nursed my father through umpteen onerous health issues and apropos of an impending marriage of older people she knew. Pondering on why anyone would contemplate another marriage once they'd reached their older years. She wisely said, "I only want to take care of myself now"

I married a man 18 years my senior after my first husband died. We were happy together and I always thought of him as my best friend. But as he got older our sex life suffered and finally ground to a halt. When he turned 80 we moved house and his dementia started. Mildly at first but eventually I had to look after him.
He died two years ago and I miss him like anything and wish I could have his younger version back.
So I'm afraid an age gap does eventually make a difference.

Well women would be well advised to think very carefully about their financial position before entering into marriage. Most women are aware of the importance of thinking about that issue particularly if they plan to have children.

What next?
Checking out his pension plan?

We have a one year age gap late sixties ,my husband has had severe depression and had cancer,in constant pain for the past 15 years ,it's a lottery,if you're not up for it stay on your own

my husband was 18 years older than me, we met when he was 39, i had never said more than half a dozen words to him, he helped out in the community group i was in, when i found out he never had any food on a friday until he got paid on saturday i took some things to him, we sat chatting and i moved in the next day, everyone was saying it won't last he is too old, we had 18 years together and the last 7 i was his carer, he died aged 57 and i was left widowed at 39, our standing joke was, he wold not die before i was 40 as at that time you got a widows pension at 40, sadly a doctor made a mistake and he was left brain dead, he was my soul mate and i would never have changed being with him. regardless of age you need to follow your heart, i always knew i would be left widowed early but the years we had together and our son was worth it.

I married a man 17 years older than me and he is now 85 and in very good health. My girlfriend married a young man and he sadly died 2 years later. So you never can tell… xx

You never know what will happen . DS had a friend who envied his stable and normal home life. His father was a widower and married his secretary many years his junior and they had a son. Some years later she developed MS which progressed very quickly and she ended up in a wheelchair and very bad tempered. Her husband would have esxpected his wife to care for him in old age but sadly it was not to be.

Germanshepherdsmum

Some people can’t deal with ill health in others and are just not cut out to be carers at any age.

I have irresponsible tendencies myself but my wonderful husband (14 years older than me) cared for me throughout my many years of emotional difficulty and often immature behaviour and now it is my turn to take care of him - I am learning.

I think this is a perfectly valid question. My close friend asked me exactly the same thing when she signed up for on-line dating after her divorce. Presumably they ask you what age partner would be acceptable. At the time she was 63, fit, healthy and just about to retire with the aim of doing all the things she had saved up for all her working life. She was concerned that a 78 year old might not feel like joining her. Apparently lots of men on dating sites actively approach younger women and not women a similar age to them. We decided 15 years older was probably not the best age gap (apologies to all 78 year old men who are fit and incredibly active) and she went for 10 years either way. She is now rock climbing and skiiing with her new partner who is 5 years younger than her.

My concern is the term 'whirlwind'. Is he love bombing you? Who is pushing for a quick marriage? What would happen if you said you wanted to slow things down? Have you ever told him "no?"

Dempie55

I don't know how old you are, but I do know that I, at 66, would never consider marrying again, even if they were the same age as me. I do not want to be cooking someone's tea and caring for them as they decline. I don't want to have to cope with someone's dementia.

I reckon I have another 20 years if I'm very lucky. Once this bloody virus is over and done with, that will hopefully be 20 years of caring for dogs and cats, travel, fun, friendship and laughter. I am happy to pass on the romance.

I'm younger than you, but this is how I feel.

I'd say maybe what has the rest of your life been like, are you looking forward to retiring and doing things you have been not been able to do because of work or other caring responsibilities, parents maybe or children and grandchildren. Would you regret it if this time was cut short by caring responsibilities, and by the time the caring responsibilities ceased you would be not as able to do them . I've known people who've had constant work and caring responsibilites into retirement age and they have been infirm once they eventually ceased with widowhood
To be honest, I'd not want a whirlwind romance and marriage whatever age I was, having lost out a lot with a divorce, money and resourcewise I'd need to make sure that I wasn't going to lose out if I had a relationship with someone else, so if I was ever tempted I'd want to safeguard myself so that I safeguarded my financial future
This might all seem pretty materialistic but having finally got some degree of freedom, and looking forward to retirement, after years of unhappiness, I would need to be pretty sure that I wanted to give that up. It would be nice to have a platonic male friend. Everyone has a different background, and some will feel very differently
So I'd say put the brakes on, listen to the concerns of those who care about you, and give yourself time to think through everything

Has any of this helped you Bythebeach?

Would you have any support from children from a previous marriage/relationships perhaps ?

Lewie

I went with my heart, and my first husband, who was the love of my life, was 23 years older than me. I was 21 and he was 44. We had 16 wonderful years together before cancer claimed him at 60, so I never got to know what my life would have been like later on. I would do it again in a heartbeat.