I have been thinking about writing this thread for a long time, but desisted from doing so because apart from any other thing, it is so very complicated. Well here goes.
I didn’t have a loving mother. I knew that she was unlike other mothers that I saw around me, but as a child, I didn’t realise how poor her parenting was because I knew no differently. Now with hindsight and many years of emotional abuse, I realise she was probably narcissistic. I didn’t even know what narcissistic was until a few years ago, but I do know now and I see that she ticks all the boxes for that diagnosis. I can say with truth that in many ways she has ruined my life. I try to rise above it, I try to be a good daughter now she is 94 years old and as demanding as ever. She was horrible to me as a young woman. She tried to get rid of my boyfriends and even girlfriends, but she was particularly horrible to my husband, both before and after our marriage. She accused him of stealing from her for over ten years (he’s a lovely man, would never steal from anyone, and despite what she did he tries to help in her old age.) She offered my baby a kitchen knife to play with, and laughed when I was horrified. She put me down whenever and however she could. She told me I’d be a bit better looking if I did this, or that, or wore my hair differently. When I bought my first car, she said it was probably stolen (it was second hand and I bought it privately.) She behaved in much the same way towards my sister. We had to do a lot of the chores as she said we’d be spoiled if we didn’t do them. She was callous, uncaring, unloving, refused to allow us things other children had, but spent money on the things she wanted. I felt unloved and unimportant. She used illness falsely to get sympathy and was at the GPs or hospitals all the time. She still uses illness falsely to get attention. I could go on and write a book about the things she did and said that hurt me, I could fill a book with it all but I hope those few things I’ve said give a picture.
Now she’s old and I’m 68 myself. I’ve just had enough of it all, because it never stops. Recently she keeps saying she’s she ill again but the care staff say she’s okay. The doctor prescribed her some antibiotics for a possible diverticulitis attack but she refused to take them and shouted at me when I asked why she’d stopped taking them. She shouts at me and is nasty a lot of the time. I try to be patient, but I’ve had enough. I thought I’d be free of this by now and I can see it stretching on for another five or six years until I’m well in my seventies.
The only thing I can say is that I’ve tried hard to be a better parent than she was. Unlike her, I adore my children and grandchildren, and my husband and I tried to give them the best childhood we could. I still try to be good to mother, but she doesn’t show any appreciation nor any care towards me. I don’t really expect any now, but it would be nice if she would be pleasant, a bit lesss entitled, and not shout and be aggressive with me now (she shouts and is aggressive with the care home staff too. Sometimes she’s so rude I feel terribly embarrassed.)
Anyway that’s a very brief précis of a lifetime of abuse. I’d fill a book if I tried to give all the examples of her behaviour. Thank you for reading.
