Going No Contact and Inheritance

I didn’t get anything....and didn’t expect it. We had the last twenty years in peace due to estrangement on both sides. No amount of money could buy that.

Absolutely your mother’s decision.

Each child has a unique and different relationship with each parent when the parents are separated. It’s a totally different ballgame compared to the relationship a child has with parents who are together. This is just my opinion from a child of divorced parents.

Your mother’s and sisters relationship is for them alone.

I would just take a step back and stop fretting.

Germanshepherdsmum

In the early part of my career I worked in local government and made applications to the Court of Protection to deal with the property of people in local authority care homes who didn’t have capacity to do so themselves. This included obtaining consent for the sale of property to pay for care home fees. I will never forget the relatives who didn’t want to know before the person died but suddenly came out of the woodwork demanding to know what had happened to assets which certainly didn’t exist when we became involved. Their greed over the property of people they couldn’t even be bothered to visit had to be seen to be believed.

That is sad.

AmberSpyglass

Just because you feel like the situations described in EAC forums don’t apply to you doesn’t mean to get to mock them or the terms and strategies they use.

Not mocking. I wanted to understand what is going through my sisters head.

I've been having a look at the estrangement board. Might point my mother in that direction.
At first I thought it was mainly to support people whos s children have cut them out of their lives.
But I've noticed also threads from people who have gone N Contact with parents.

How does that all work?
Aren't there lots of arguments.
I'm surprised t here aren't two separate boards!

It's your mother's decision snowberry. Some parents disinherit an EAC and some don't.

I know some people think that if an AC who estranged is disinherited that would create conflict between the siblings, but it's also possible that conflict would be created if the AC who'd remained in their parent(s) life saw that a sibling who'd estranged their parent(s) was left an inheritance.

As some EAC have said in response to your OP, they neither expect or would welcome an inheritance and I understand that. Why would you want to be gifted something in the person's/people's will you'd previously decided you wanted nothing to do with?

Grandpanow

Not an estranged young adult, but I think the only reason I’d disinherit one of my children is if they had a substance abuse issue or something in which ready access to money would be bad for them. It feels quite vindictive and controlling to do it because they didn’t speak to me etc like I like. I would suspect most people who break of contact aren’t worried about getting money from their parents- otherwise they’d be in contact for money when living. But just an observation.

Because of my concerns about my sons lifestyle ( he lives in the States so I don’t have much contact) re drugs, alcohol, gambling and having no control over his spending, I have set up a Trust for when I die, naming my other two children as trustees. I’ve written a Letter of Intent outlining my wishes regarding how my other son receives his inheritance, taking into account his two children - now divorced but I want to make sure they are looked after if my son stops paying maintenance without my ex DIL having access to large sums of money ( she was/is addicted to black market opioids).

Basically I’ve stated that my son should get an allowance from his third of my estate, totally at the discretion of the trustees based on his life style at that time. My other children can decide not to carry out my wishes and not continue with the trust but having discussed it with them, I think they will.

I had no wish to disinherit my eldest son but know that he might waste the money very quickly and I need to protect the grandchildren as I will if they need financial support while I am still alive. It sounds very complicated but the solicitor I used is very experienced and explained everything to me.

Ok so I have experience of both sides of this, sort of, I have NC with my parents, their choice, and this is why - because one of my DC went nc with me DH & other adult children. So my parents only see one of my adult children, and that adult child doesn't want contact with us (parents) or our other adult children, or her siblings.
I tried to reconcile with adult child, and parents, neither of them responded, which is a shame for everyone.
I don't know if my parents have me in their will or not, probably not but at the moment, and due to the decision of my DD - I have skipped her in the will and the money will hopefully go to her DC - our grandchildren who she doesn't allow us to see either.
This may change if she decides that she wants to have a relationship with us, but at the moment I think you have to make a decision based on what is right for you.
If my parents don't include me in their will, frankly unless they want to give freely then I am not going to fight my sibling for it (no one has seen my DB for about 15 years).
Families, I am not going to dwell on it, and I say just enjoy the people who are around you, and want to be there. OP - it is very sad for your mum but at least she has you - believe me this means a lot x

Teacheranne

Grandpanow

Not an estranged young adult, but I think the only reason I’d disinherit one of my children is if they had a substance abuse issue or something in which ready access to money would be bad for them. It feels quite vindictive and controlling to do it because they didn’t speak to me etc like I like. I would suspect most people who break of contact aren’t worried about getting money from their parents- otherwise they’d be in contact for money when living. But just an observation.

Because of my concerns about my sons lifestyle ( he lives in the States so I don’t have much contact) re drugs, alcohol, gambling and having no control over his spending, I have set up a Trust for when I die, naming my other two children as trustees. I’ve written a Letter of Intent outlining my wishes regarding how my other son receives his inheritance, taking into account his two children - now divorced but I want to make sure they are looked after if my son stops paying maintenance without my ex DIL having access to large sums of money ( she was/is addicted to black market opioids).

Basically I’ve stated that my son should get an allowance from his third of my estate, totally at the discretion of the trustees based on his life style at that time. My other children can decide not to carry out my wishes and not continue with the trust but having discussed it with them, I think they will.

I had no wish to disinherit my eldest son but know that he might waste the money very quickly and I need to protect the grandchildren as I will if they need financial support while I am still alive. It sounds very complicated but the solicitor I used is very experienced and explained everything to me.

@Teacheranne
This sounds interesting, what solicitor did you use? I have a will but I would like to find our more about this arrangement, if you are happy to share?

If one of mine ever estranged me, I'd still give some money.

I would work very hard to ensure that sibling relationships remained intact so could not then give one less than another.

My mother could not stop hassling my brother about me to the point that he had enough. He doesn't like his brother either and neither does my mother so I'm sure he will get the whole pot.

That's fine by me, I suppose if I did get something I'd just see it as emotional damages but I'd rather I didn't and didn't have to own anything that came with strings even after her passing.

It's a difficult one that's for sure

He was a solicitor who specialised in wills, inheritance and trusts but was already known to me through some friends. Unless you live near me, Stockport, I don’t think he could help you as he was semi retired and only working two days a week.

It isn’t overly complicated and I don’t think I paid a lot, I was renewing my will at the same time so I just agreed an amount before we started. It’s the Letter of Intent you write and store with your will, that needs to be clear, succinct and not have too many clauses and ifs or buts, my solicitor approved mine after I had drafted it.

I would also suggest you discuss things with your Trustees and those affected, my two younger children have copies of my letter in case they were unsure and know exactly where my will is kept. I shared basic details with my son in the States, so that is not a shock to him but did not share all my concerns about his lifestyle.

As others have said, you need a specialist, not a general practice type solicitor. I have a very good friend who has his own law practice but as he mainly does conveyancing and commercial law, he was not the right person to go to - although in my Letter of Intent, I have suggested that the trustees consult with him about the Trust, he is godparent to my daughter so will obviously help.

I think you can find out what solicitors are experienced in or what their focus it from a list held possibly by the Law Society - although I could be wrong there! I guess a look at their website could be a starting point.

I was adopted as was my brother, no blood link. They adored him but drug use as well as leaving his wife, with two very young children they decided to leave half of their inheritance to his children. They thought it only fair that that did the same to me, not giving me an inheritance but it going to my children.

In France it is very difficult to disinherit your blood line. However, if you need help when you are old, your children are ordered by law to contribute to contribute a percentage.

We had this with my mil and my husband’s brother.

He was horrid to his mother, and would always side with his father, even though my fil and mil were always so very much in love, he just didn’t get on with his mother, she was a difficult woman with everyone only doted on my fil, and then my husband

Soooo, when fil died he left everything to my mil, with but they had an understanding that everything would be split 50/50 when she passed with the 2 sons. I should mention they were very comfortable off.

Move forward 6 or so years, bil has very little if any contact with his mother. We have total care of her, and thought she still lived on her own. She did need our constant attention, she had care staff go in every day, but we needed to speak to her twice a day and do shopping etc, and as she lived 40 miles away that wasn’t easy, but we did it, me for my husband not for her but still. Then the accident, and after a long hospital stay she went into a care home, we sold her house and used her savings to pay for this. My bil was kept informed the whole time but made it clear he wasn’t interested. When she was dying we told him, nothing, he hadn’t seen her or contacted her know for over 3 years .

Her will - she left 25% to my bil and 75% to my husband. It took a lot of convincing to get her todo this she wanted to leave 100% to my husband. We convinced her in the end that fil wanted to split 50/50 and she should respect his wishes. So she decided to leave her son 50% of her husband’s half of the estate. He kicked up a storm at first, didn’t even attend her funeral, then all of a sudden the solicitor contacted to say he had agreed to it. Needless to say we haven’t heard from him since.

I'd always leave equal shares to my children - whatever my relationship with them - as I'd never want to leave behind any cause for resentment or jealousy between them.

snowberryZ, of course, you'd expect to inherit more if your sister was left out of the will. Therefore, you cannot have an unbiased view on the situation. Your mother should make her own decisions on her will. Please don't try to influence them.

I can understand how the OP feels and I do not hink that she wants the money either, but when a child rejects their parent for no obvious reason, it is instinctive to feel the parent should bear that in mind when making a will.

But for the parent is not necessarily like that. It is more like the parable of the prodigal son. The one who estranges and then returns is greeted with delight or if the estrangement doesn't end there is always that hope, which continues after death by leaving the estranged child a legacy.

In the above I am assuming that the problem is not an unloving or abusive parent, which I know some people had.

During my family history research I came across a will made in the late 17th century by a woman (not a relative) who left money to her son if he ever returned from the W Indies. He had probably gone to seek his fortune and there’s no indication of estrangement but she didn’t know if he was even alive, however she obviously lived, and died, in hope.

I decided on having no contact with my mother, and by default my father, who always did as she told him at my detriment. I want nothing from them, alive or dead and had told them the same many, many years before I got the courage to go no contact with my mother.

I decided to take that pawn away from her arsenal, I, unlike her and my other family members, care not one jot about money, or belongings.

Anything from them came/comes at my own risk and with strings attached. My mother tried pulling me back in with things such as their will and I told her not to leave me anything as I wont accept it.

I endured a horribly nasty, abusive childhood at the hands of my mother and allowance of my father, I would never give them, but her mostly, the satisfaction of leaving me or giving me anything.

Visgir1

Speak to a solicitor, they will be unbiased and give options.
Such a shame.

no need to ask a solicitor it all depends on the will so I hope you mum has made one .

I agree Flora. It’s entirely down to the mother who she decides to include in her will. If she doesn’t make one then the estranged sister will inherit along with other siblings. There is no point in OP seeing a solicitor unless she wants to lighten her bank balance but every reason for her mother to do so, unaccompanied and uninfluenced by OP or anyone else.

It it entirely your mother's decision.

My parents cut their eldest son (my brother) out of their wills as a result of estrangement. After 10 years of no contact, his disappearance and his refusal to engage with various attempts (think charities and private detectives) - they simply made new wills as they were concerned about the inheritance burden and risk of depleting the estate trying to locate him.

In the event my bother was found dead less than a year before my father's death - killed accidentally by a well meaning person

If the estranged child has children of their own, it seems most unfair to disadvantage them, when they had no say in the matter, don't you think?

My mother had four children one of whom, my sister said dreadful, untrue things about my mother who had supported my sister through thick and thin; it broke my mother's heart. Eventually my sister went non-contact. When my mother died we found she had split the inheritance money four ways. Three of us received a quarter share. The fourth quarter, my sister's. was split equally between her children. All my sister received was a letter included with the will explaining my mother's actions.

Hetty58

If the estranged child has children of their own, it seems most unfair to disadvantage them, when they had no say in the matter, don't you think?

I agree that grandchildren should be considered it's not their fault. I have changed my will to include them by Trust fund when they're adults, skipped my DD - it's true that I never thought I'd do this but she doesn't talk to anyone in the family & she's so hugely hateful to us & her siblings. If she ever wants to reconnect things could change but you have to make the right decision for your family.

Some of these stories are so sad. Regardless of my relationship with my 3 children, they will each get the same, except for my jewellery, most of which will go to my daughter. My d.I.ls will inherit their mothers’ jewellery.

I think there's an inherent fairness in everyone getting their share despite estrangement. Particularly if there is a pre-existing will. "Cutting you out of my will because we don't get on any more" when they are your child who you've watched grow up & all the rest of it, seems sad. We had a sort of version of this. My parents -I-L became semi-estranged from their daughter 2 years before he died and 4 years before she died. There was still some contact (mainly phonecall) & a visit every 6 months that was so unpleasant and hostile that my MIL said to me " I wish she wouldn't come, she upsets me so - she treats me like an enemy" . When I persuaded my MIL to go into hospital due to a sudden unexplained deterioration, and she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I had her home and slept there every night till I could get her into nursing care (which she wanted - she knew she hadn't got long & didn't want to be alone, or in hospital, or to burden us ( we work fulltime). My SIL , despite having v little to do with her for 4 yrs & that not loving, the day after she died she rang me up & gave me an earful as I had collected my MIL personal effects from the NH & taken them to my MiL 's home. ( the home had asked me to do this). Neither me or my husband were allowed to have anything to do with funeral arrangements. We had the will (MiL gave it to her son before going into nursing care) but daughter turned up demanding it & DH handed it over. She then went on to apply for probate without telling us (came to light sometime later through an unrelated phonecall) although my husband was the first mentioned executor & was not consulted.I just felt really guilty that I had always made light of their concerns about their daughter & tried to reassure them she still loved them & to stay in contact - as once it was me dealing with her, I just could not do this & had to block her on my phone. I don't begrudge them the money, that is fair, but why people who have had no meaningful contact have to crawl out of the woodwork and sideline the people who really cared, still stumps me