Friend constantly wanting to see us

Another way of putting them off, thanks to Covid(!) is saying that you have a phone call booked with the doctor/physiotherapist / other professional, or even a Zoom meeting. I've had a number of phone calls like that and I have Governors meeting on Zoom, watch webinars, belong to the Stay at Home choir where all rehearsals are on Zoom/YouTube, etc , so , somewhat guiltily, invent a few extra if I need some space. And it's a useful excuse if they come round and see you are at home, but you don't answer the door!
I feel as though it's only half a lie, as it could be true!!

We live a little off side and have a distant neighbour who often walks by on his morning round, the thing is he walks past and waves then comes up to the front door,husband always invites hm in for a coffee this man is quite sociable but talk incessently mainly about his things, he stays literally for hours regardless of what we are in the midddle of.I have siad to my hsband he doesnt need to invite him in every time, we are never invited to their house, I am getting fed up with this, maybe as someone suggested," we are just going out" would help, although I feel he would wait until we were actually on our way!

HurdyGurdy

MayBeMaw

I once read of somebody who would answer the door in her coat.
If she was pleased to see the person on the step she would say she had just got in, if not, like OP is feeling, she would say she was just going out.

That is genius

Yep,will certainly be using that one !!

I had this problem many years ago when I had my youngest baby. A friend/neighbour used to pop in nearly every day and stayed far too long!! It was usually the time when the baby was asleep so instead of me getting on with my jobs I ended up sitting drinking coffee & chatting to her instead and by the time she left the baby was waking up and I was totally disorganised. She was a lovely person but I think she was bored as her kids were older and at school. It really started to get me down. I ended up going out at the time she usually called or hiding the pram, locking the doors and going upstairs (this was all long before mobiles so no texts to say she was coming).
One possible solution would be next time she texts suggest meeting for a coffee in a local cafe for a change, that way you’re on neutral territory and you can leave when you want. If you do this just a few times it might break the habit of her turning up and hanging around your home so much. Alternatively just say sorry you are feeling a bit under the weather or are really busy so can we leave it this week, or, failing that hide!! ?

My MIL,Rosie who died recently aged 95, really had the right idea. She’d either ignore the unscheduled knock at the door , or she’d open it and not invite unexpected visitors in. Once they’d been kept on the doorstep for 20 minutes, people soon realised that they weren’t going to be asked inside and didn’t make a habit of calling.
If I had of relayed this dilemma to my MIL, she would have said
That’s why you Shouldn’t start it in the first place because you’ll never get rid of people.
She was polite but very assertive really. She was never taken advantage of and rarely did anything she didn’t want to do out of awkwardness. I Couid definitely take a leaf or two out of her book lol. She was a funny lady but I do miss her.
Be more Rosie lol

Hi there..understandably you dont like telling lies so have you thought about gently telling the truth..

Ok my first reply was facetious. This is a more serious idea. Tell your friend that you've realised you're enjoying nattering with her so much that time flies and you keep realising you've not got anything done that you had planned cos you've been chatting so long. Tell her regretfully you're gonna have to limit social time a bit. Then each alternate time she suggests dropping in say "I'd love to but really I'd better not I still have stuff I need to get done". Then the next time, accept and let her come in. Gradually make it just one in three times and so on till it's the level you're happy with.

She’s obviously lonely. I would send her a text or even a letter and say sorry I don’t want to upset you in anyway but can we meet up in a say café once a week. Because of covid etc. we don’t feel comfortable having ppl in the house. But instead of replying to her text messages, you could ignore or text back really busy today maybe later in the week we could meet up somewhere and that way your free to leave at anytime. But unless she becomes a mind reader she won’t know unless you tell her lol or you could just be quiet when she knocks and ignore the door just make sure she can’t hear your phone when she rings to see where you are.

I was in a very similar situation. A friend of mine knew I worked from home and she would come over every day without calling or texting. I didn’t feel comfortable with lies/excuses and just told her the truth. I enjoyed her company very much but I am an introvert and need my alone time which has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I asked her to please call/text if she is wanting to drop over from then on. The few times that she didn’t, I answered the door and didn’t invite her in. I told her that I was in the middle of something so it was too bad that she forgot to call first.

Now I must say that our friendship is not the same. I know that she is upset with me but truthfully, I am relieved and have zero regrets about the situation. I should have spoken up sooner.

Secondhandrose if they always message you first, I suggest you message back and explain that it’s not a convenient time for them to come and that you will message them to invite them for coffee when you are able to host them.

Frankly, there is no way you can solve this problem without either resorting to lies or by being a good deal more forthright than you probably feel is polite.

Yes, you could leave it to your husband to deal with, if "putting his foot down" means that he will do so, and wasn't just telling you what he wanted YOU to do. which is what my DH would have done.

If this lady's mental health issues are something that she or her husband have talked freely to you about, I suggest next time they turn up that you leave your husband to talk to the lady, and you draw her husband aside and say that you quite honestly cannot do with these frequent visits.

They interupt your day, tire you and your husband, and as far as you can see do your visitors no good either.

If he protests that his wife needs to get out of their house, I suggest you say you are sorry, but that is not your problem and will he please find somewhere else to accompany her to.

You are feeling worn out and quite honestly inconsiderately treated by them never taking a hint that their visits are inconvenient.

If he is offended, so much the better, as that will result in your not seeing them again, or as much at least.

If on the other hand they keep on coming, simply do not let them in, open the door, say, "Sorry, you have come at a bad time, ring or text next time." and close the door firmly.

If they just walk in, either consider keeping your outside doors locked, or put on you boots and coat and say, "I must ask you to leave, I am on my way out, as you see."

Escort them out and go for a short walk yourself.

Yes, you need to a way to cut down visits for your sake. Get hubby to say you are getting anxious about covid and don't want visitors but would love a long walk. It works for us, probably because it's true and were trying to sheild a fragile family member, bit you could still try it.

Just to reiterate, they dont just turn up. They do message first.

What about putting 'big girls pants on' and you don't need to tell lies. Just say 'sorry it's not convenient.
Will let you know when it is"

humptydumpty

I do agree with an earlier poster that by letting them come in and set the agenda as to when they leave, you are giving them the impression that this is fine, so you can't really expect them to change unless you actively say something. The problem with the coat by the door is, it can't work over and over!

no but they might take the hint!

Kate1949 We had the same problem as you a few years ago. Friends/neighbours we had known for a long time moved away to be nearer family and were eager for us to visit them. They're a bit reclusive and in all the years we'd known them they never had visitors to stay. But they're a lovely couple, so we made the trip and stayed at a local B&B which we thought would be less work for them. They were quite annoyed that we weren't staying with them. We booked in for 5 days and were hoping to visit one or two places of interest while we were there. But we quickly discovered they had the whole five days planned out for us - we were taken from house to house to meet their new neighbours; we had to meet all their extended family; trips to the local shops to be introduced to whoever they knew there; visits to all the charity shops in the local town (the wife's favourite places to go); the church jumble sale, and even the doctor's surgery to meet the 'lovely' receptionist! We felt like we were on a royal visit. I suggested a trip to a local Manor House with beautiful gardens and tea rooms, they said it would be too much walking and too far away. DH would be driving so not really a problem. At the end of our visit they invited us back for Christmas. In the car DH said "We're not going for Christmas and that's final!" When they phoned to wish us Happy New Year they said they had decorated their spare room and bought a lovely new bed ready for our next visit and they'd love us to come for a fortnight! It was indeed kind of them if a little OTT perhaps. However, a few months later fate intervened when the wife became seriously ill and the spare room was needed for medical equipment and their lives were a continuous round of hospital visits etc. Thankfully she is now very much better though rather frail and could not now cope with house guests. But we're still good friends with them - just from a distance.

Loathe all shops except betting shops.

This is easy to address:
Keep the doors locked
Don't answer the phone
Arrange to meet away from your home at a time to suit yourselves - cafe or garden centre
Just because your friend has mental health problems it is not your responsibility to support her all the time.

They perhaps feel they’re doing you a favour by visiting.
Just say your doing :
Washing my hair, polishing the brass, fumigation the house, training the dog, saying your prayers, meditating, cleaning the garage, waxing your legs.
Best of all is, I’m busy can I phone you next week.
Good luck!

Lend them a load of money that you know they won't be able to pay back. Suddenly you'll see far less of them

Tell them you are reducing your Contacts due to Covid and also that you need LFTS done before meeting anyone indoors Therefore you are only seeing folk once a week once a month whatever works for you You are aware of the MH problem so be kind however next time DH puts his foot down he deals with it

You don't have to lie. Jut say it isn't a good time.

DiscoDancer1975

I really feel sad for people like this, because no one ever says anything. It’s not their fault if they don’t know.

Just show them this post. You may find they’re mortified and will want to change. If they don’t...they’re not friends and you’re well rid of them.

Please do not show them this post, the woman especially would be hurt. I think you should just say you are busy.

MayBeMaw

I once read of somebody who would answer the door in her coat.
If she was pleased to see the person on the step she would say she had just got in, if not, like OP is feeling, she would say she was just going out.

My old mum did this! In the hallway, she had a hook with a coat and an apron. Sometimes she would answer the door wearing the coat, and if it was the dreaded neighbourhood nosey parker, she would tell her she was just going out. Sometimes she would wear the apron and tell whoever it was that she was in the middle of a huge baking session or bathing the dog or something else major.

Where we lived before I had a friend who did this I couldn't put a coat on like an aunt had told me as well, as we had a glass front door. She eventually got the message when for a week I was in PJ and dressing gown when DH had gone to work. Round she popped and walked in. When I said I had D&S she was off like a shot and never did it again. The unfortunate thing was it was true.
Try saying you have something contagious even flu will make people run a mile.