Dating a widower with adult children

EmilyHarburn

If you marry him, unless he makes a specific new will all his money goes to you if he dies. So yes the children will be worried. They may be concerned about their child hoon memories and posessions etc.

Why are you dating? Why don't you just enjoy a good friendship and take it in turns to stay at each others places?

There is no rush and exploring a realtionship should be enjoyed over time. And may well be injoyed without marriage.

You will both have long histories and 9 months is too soon to be thinking of marriage and moving etc.

His estate is in a trust. So his assets are his.
We’re not talking about marriage. Just want to be able to see each other without drama. I’ll not go to his place. It makes his children uncomfortable so they say.

I married a widower when I was 54....we had 21 years together ..he was stranged already from one daughter but the other was fine ...visited us in Europe every year until he died ...THEN she demanded half the price of the house as her 'right' ....since she had not visited or phoned her father since he became ill HE wanted to cut her out of any inheritance. BUT the law re inheritance where we lived was different ...the law of succession means the children inherit ....the notaire was very good, and worked out she received as little as possible .....but it wasn't the money, it was the fact she refused to visit him (we always paid air fares, collected her from the airport, etc !) AND when she bought her first flat in London, her dad gave her the money for the deposit ,,,she bought it for around £9,000 and sold it .yes, for over £300,000 ! I would have thought THAT was her inheritance. Families !! it appears all they are interested in is their inheritance and NOT what is best for their father ....are they going to look after him or pay for his care in later life ? I bet not !

AmberSpyglass

Honestly, I also question the character of a woman who would work so closely with the family that presumably she knew the wife quite well - and sees nothing wrong with this? Makes you wonder if she was just biding her time.

Bloody horrible post - and there are a few of them on this thread. Have any of you critics out there lost a life partner ? I have and I can tell you that the EIGHT months of hell I endured after he passed away were made considerably easier by the lovely man I met around that time and who offered his friendship with no strings attached, and who eventually asked me to marry him last year. I said yes with no hesitation. There is no ‘right time’ when you’ve been widowed. Everyone is different - some are just lonely and look for companionship. No one is looking to ‘replace’ a lost loved one - that’s just not possible, but it IS possible to love again, albeit in a different way. Horrible, judgemental thread.

Well said Pammie! I'm shocked at the judgemental attitudes on this thread.

My sympathy with the OP that must be really hard being rejected by his family, but it does not always happen that way.

I started dating my OH around 6 months after his wife died, he stated to me and his family that there would be no marriage, this actually suits me because I have my own money and pension etc.
His family - 3 daughters accept me not as a replacement for their mum but as a companion for dad, 3 yrs on it is working well.

8 months is too soon for many people, and my opinion. I expect his children think he is rushing to a new relationship and he made be very afraid of being lonely.. Was it not am option to take things slowly and just spend time going out together until more time had lapsed?

He is between a rock and a hard place.

If you are able to get the friendship back on track, and a long term relationship does develop, you could enter into a prenup or pre cohabitation agreement and inform your families to try to ensure the unpleasantness over inheritance issues is reduced alongside ' gold digging' allegations, of your financial positions are very different.

It really not up to those adult children to decide when their father is ready to move on. How selfish!
My own father was widowed in his early 60s. Within months a new lady had joined his walking group, and they very soon became very close and committed. I was gobsmacked but very happy for him. They married two years after my mother's death and had a happy 20 years together before my father died in his 80s.
Now that I am widowed myself, my Dad's speedy replacement of my Mum seems even more surprising, but it was a wonderful thing for him, and she was a lovely lady. When you meet the right person, you're not going to say, "Come back in a couple of years!" Life is precious and as we get older we want to make the most of every day, every opportunity.
The inheritance is another matter, but if that's the main concern it can easily be sorted by a will. Not getting married would also keep things simpler, as a spouse may have a claim on an estate. I hope your man friend finds the strength to deal with his bossy family and sort out his own priorities.

17 months ago these adult children had their lives ripped apart by a sudden death. One of them witnessed that death and will have been traumatised. They all had to reassess and build a life totally different to the one they had planned. Their dad turned to someone else and so they lost another parent, just as they might have been trying to rebuild their lives. At the same time you who had had a role in their lives suddenly changed that role.
Of course they are confused. One part of grieving is anger and although you and their dad didn't mean to you have given them a target for that anger. I don't think they are bad people. I don't think they really care about the money. I think they are just trying to cope. If you care about them and him why not just step back? Tell him to rebuild the trust with his children. Perhaps set a date in the future when you will meet up.and you can start to build a life together which isn't overshadowed by death and grief?

Lots of people with lots of opinions. I met my husband just 3 months after his first wife’s death. We were both in our late 50’s and knew very early on that we wanted to spend our futures together. We saw each other for a few months before telling our families, especially his children. His son seemed pleased for us but his daughter was concerned that I was a gold digger. We stuck it out although I didn’t meet his daughter for several months after we met. As soon as we bought a property together we made new wills which we shared with his children explaining that I didn’t want his money! Fast forward 14 years and we’ve been happily married for 13 years and have good relationships with his children and mine. We see them regularly and the grandchildren have never known him with anyone but me, although we choose for them to call me by my Christian name and not Nana/ Granny. So stories like this can have happy endings. Good luck.

It’s the uncertainty surrounding marriage and the inheritance issue that causes many problems, much more than any emotional issues in my opinion. My OH addressed that right at the start, no marriage and everyone knew that so no uncertainties at all. He could have gone out and married much younger “arm candy” which would not have been accepted by his family

I hope you have both made wills Katie, or there will be a great many uncertainties.

I hope that you both get back together and have a good life. I met a widower, a year after he had been bereaved, and after several years we married and have been together for 23 happy years.

BUT it hasn’t been easy.

His children, aged 17, 18 and 19 when I met him, have been fabulous (his daughter saying how pleased she was so that she could go away to university and not worry about him!) but various aunts, in-laws and friends have been awful about me being a gold digger etc.

I’m not a gold digger and in fact having adult stepchildren, and now some wonderful grandchildren, can be quite expensive! We have both got good wills so that his house is divided fairly after his death. And I’ve kept my own flat, now rented, so that the survivor hopefully won’t have issues about wills, accommodation, etc, when either of us die.

Incidentally, our friend and neighbour married his children’s nanny quite soon after the death of his wife, and 30 years later, remain very happy together. They moved from this road because some neighbours disapproved!

My best friend died aged 40, some years ago, and she and her children had spent some time discussing who her husband should marry after her death, they knew he wouldn’t manage well on his own. I was on their ‘long list’ and he’s lovely but I had always found him rather boring, thankfully he remains very happy and married to another family friend from the ‘long list’!

As others have said, lots of people will have lots of views, some very unpleasant. I wish you both well. ?

trisher

17 months ago these adult children had their lives ripped apart by a sudden death. One of them witnessed that death and will have been traumatised. They all had to reassess and build a life totally different to the one they had planned. Their dad turned to someone else and so they lost another parent, just as they might have been trying to rebuild their lives. At the same time you who had had a role in their lives suddenly changed that role.
Of course they are confused. One part of grieving is anger and although you and their dad didn't mean to you have given them a target for that anger. I don't think they are bad people. I don't think they really care about the money. I think they are just trying to cope. If you care about them and him why not just step back? Tell him to rebuild the trust with his children. Perhaps set a date in the future when you will meet up.and you can start to build a life together which isn't overshadowed by death and grief?

Have you thought at all about what kind of 17 months the OP’s friend has had. Yes, his children lost their mum, but he lost his wife. It’s not the same thing. And they haven’t ‘lost’ their dad, as you seem to think - he’s still there, he’s just getting on with his life. And that’s the point isn’t it ? It’s HIS life, not theirs. They have their own lives, their own partners and their own families. OK, they may have had some concerns that their dad was on the rebound, but 9 months later he was still with the OP, just trying to live his life and was devastated to have to end the relationship because they were threatening to cut him out of their lives and stop him seeing his grandchildren. That’s not part of any grieving process I know of. That’s sheer selfishness, and if they don’t care about the money aspect of things why are they calling the OP a gold digger ? Because she was in their employ and they thought she was looking to move in on their dad. They could have just kept an eye on things from a distance and let things take their natural course, but sod that, let’s wade in and blackmail dad into ending it !!

I met my partner 8 months after my husband of 40 years died. Those 8 months were hell - grief is exhausting and lonely, and meeting my partner provided some relief from the loneliness. I was lucky - he was very understanding, allowed me to grieve and was there for me every step of the way until I was ready to move from friendship to a relationship.

You don’t just magically move on to someone else. You don’t just forget the love and the life you lost. You still grieve, and meeting someone else isn’t as straightforward as some on this thread appear to think. It opens up a whole new set of emotions - guilt, shame, insecurity, to name but a few. And you absolutely are not ‘replacing’ lost love with someone else. I could never replace the man my late husband was - wouldn’t even try. My partner is a completely different person and I love him for who he is, not as a replacement for what I had.

The OP and her partner are mature, thinking people, and his family are treating their father like a child who doesn’t know his own mind. You don’t meet someone after bereavement and then say, ‘well this will look bad to everyone else so come back in a couple of years.’ When you lose your life partner, you redefine what happiness means to you, and you take the chance for another crack at happiness if you’re lucky enough to be offered it. As far as I can see the OP and her friend were taking things slowly, they don’t live together and they weren’t rushing into marriage or anything else. It may or may not have worked out. They may or may not have had many happy years together. But unless they work things out in the face of so much unnecessary opposition, they’ll never know will they. Shame.

chattykathy

Well said Pammie! I'm shocked at the judgemental attitudes on this thread.

The nasty comments are appearing on other threads as well. Some seem to get their enjoyment out of making nasty comments or causing agrivitation and then back away. I have yet to see any original posts from a few who are very vociferous in their condemnation of others.
As to the original post be very wary of what is in the will in a way you are lucky that the children are making their sentiments felt so early in your relationship.
I knew someone who married for the second time with her own families goodwill, the stepchildren all appeared to approve and she moved into his house selling her own. Unfortunately their father did not live many years after the marriage and the woman in question did not marry again but got another partner within a few months.
The new partner's
children made their sentiments very clear and it seemed to alert the stepchildren who started to question wills ,who would inherit the house who had got the money from the sale of his car? It had all been put into the woman name and they contested it as much as they could it took years to sort out.

Pammie1

trisher

17 months ago these adult children had their lives ripped apart by a sudden death. One of them witnessed that death and will have been traumatised. They all had to reassess and build a life totally different to the one they had planned. Their dad turned to someone else and so they lost another parent, just as they might have been trying to rebuild their lives. At the same time you who had had a role in their lives suddenly changed that role.
Of course they are confused. One part of grieving is anger and although you and their dad didn't mean to you have given them a target for that anger. I don't think they are bad people. I don't think they really care about the money. I think they are just trying to cope. If you care about them and him why not just step back? Tell him to rebuild the trust with his children. Perhaps set a date in the future when you will meet up.and you can start to build a life together which isn't overshadowed by death and grief?

Have you thought at all about what kind of 17 months the OP’s friend has had. Yes, his children lost their mum, but he lost his wife. It’s not the same thing. And they haven’t ‘lost’ their dad, as you seem to think - he’s still there, he’s just getting on with his life. And that’s the point isn’t it ? It’s HIS life, not theirs. They have their own lives, their own partners and their own families. OK, they may have had some concerns that their dad was on the rebound, but 9 months later he was still with the OP, just trying to live his life and was devastated to have to end the relationship because they were threatening to cut him out of their lives and stop him seeing his grandchildren. That’s not part of any grieving process I know of. That’s sheer selfishness, and if they don’t care about the money aspect of things why are they calling the OP a gold digger ? Because she was in their employ and they thought she was looking to move in on their dad. They could have just kept an eye on things from a distance and let things take their natural course, but sod that, let’s wade in and blackmail dad into ending it !!

I met my partner 8 months after my husband of 40 years died. Those 8 months were hell - grief is exhausting and lonely, and meeting my partner provided some relief from the loneliness. I was lucky - he was very understanding, allowed me to grieve and was there for me every step of the way until I was ready to move from friendship to a relationship.

You don’t just magically move on to someone else. You don’t just forget the love and the life you lost. You still grieve, and meeting someone else isn’t as straightforward as some on this thread appear to think. It opens up a whole new set of emotions - guilt, shame, insecurity, to name but a few. And you absolutely are not ‘replacing’ lost love with someone else. I could never replace the man my late husband was - wouldn’t even try. My partner is a completely different person and I love him for who he is, not as a replacement for what I had.

The OP and her partner are mature, thinking people, and his family are treating their father like a child who doesn’t know his own mind. You don’t meet someone after bereavement and then say, ‘well this will look bad to everyone else so come back in a couple of years.’ When you lose your life partner, you redefine what happiness means to you, and you take the chance for another crack at happiness if you’re lucky enough to be offered it. As far as I can see the OP and her friend were taking things slowly, they don’t live together and they weren’t rushing into marriage or anything else. It may or may not have worked out. They may or may not have had many happy years together. But unless they work things out in the face of so much unnecessary opposition, they’ll never know will they. Shame.

Did your husband die suddenly and did one of your children witness that death? Sudden and violent death brings with it a whole host of factors which need to be dealt with. Did you know your new partner and did they have a role in your children's lives? It seems evident to me that there are issues of grief this family haven't dealt with and the OP has a choice. She can stick with it and just let the grief and resulting anger stew or she can step back let the family deal with the death and adjust and then build a new life free from guilt.

Incidently it isn't "never knowing" to postpone something their life together would just be later when other issues had been dealt with.

@trisher. I really do see where you’re coming from, but how the family deal with their grief shouldn’t have any bearing on how their dad chooses to live his life. It’s not as though he started the relationship straight away even though he knew the OP. Eight months is a long time when you’re grieving and I’m at a loss to understand why, if their concern for their dad is genuine, they are not happy that he’s found companionship with the OP and has a chance to be happy again. He obviously wanted to continue the relationship and has ended it because they are basically holding their grandchildren to ransom. They’ve levelled the accusation of ‘gold digger’ at the OP and that’s what I keep coming back to - they seem more concerned about their inheritance than their dad’s well being. She may well decide to step back in the face of so much opposition, but that’s a hard decision for both of them if they care about each other and what does that actually achieve ? The relationship ends, the family get what they want, and their dad goes back to loneliness and misery. Not a good outcome for anyone but the family as far as I can see.

trisher

Incidently it isn't "never knowing" to postpone something their life together would just be later when other issues had been dealt with.

As I said, why should they put their lives on hold to placate the family ? And the anger they face is mostly directed at her, so what good is stepping back, why not face the issues together and try to resolve them. Threatening to withhold contact with his grandchildren is an appalling thing to do and tantamount to blackmail. They shouldn’t give in to such tactics.

Do you think they'll come round eventually 1Nana? You said they treated you like part of the family so maybe given time they will come round?

I agree with you by the way, I think you dating should be fine maybe let the dust settle a bit?

As for the comments re time. Lots of people who are widows feel they don't have time to 'lose' too.

Pammie1

trisher

Incidently it isn't "never knowing" to postpone something their life together would just be later when other issues had been dealt with.

As I said, why should they put their lives on hold to placate the family ? And the anger they face is mostly directed at her, so what good is stepping back, why not face the issues together and try to resolve them. Threatening to withhold contact with his grandchildren is an appalling thing to do and tantamount to blackmail. They shouldn’t give in to such tactics.

So do you foresee anyone being really happy if the two do go ahead Pammie1 won't he always have a sense of regret for the pain his children went through? Won't that possibly sour their relationship? I don't believe anyone builds happiness on someone else's misery. Grief can make people say and do things in anger it's a recognised part of the process.

Apart from the very short time after what seems to have been a very tragic accident, the poster was an employee, so well known over a period of time by the family who may believe the relationship started prior to the death of their mother.

The other may well be inheritance. It happened in our extended family and caused huge distress, The new wife and her children inherited everything, House, savings, insurance payout etc etc.
His children were always close to their father, and had been on friendly terms with the new wife, but when he died they had nothing, neither money nor even a small keepsake.
In essence he wrongly assumed she would be fair to his children. He knew he was ill but failed to include them in his Will. It left a very bitter taste.

My grandfather married after my grandmother died, after almost 50 years of marriage. She was v different to my GM and had little in common with my GF or our family.

After about 5 years, he admitted to me he'd married out of loneliness and it had been a mistake. But he was an honourable man and they remained married until his death.

At which point, her family tried to get their hands on the inheritance which was all from my GP. New wife had nothing. They were foiled by my greedy uncle and aunt though, who managed to get everything, nothing for my branch of the family.

Some people are so spiteful when it comes to money

Whatever the children feel it will almost certainly be coloured by inheritance. We used know someone, whose mother died after 50 years or of marriage. The father took up with a woman who supposedly had been a sweetheart before he married. His children asked if he had made a will (he was in his 80s) and the answer was "No. She'll do the right thing" He died within 2 years of re-marriage and she did not do the right thing. She kept absolutely everything, including old family portraits, and furniture which had been in the family for generations. The ancestors had been high ranking officers in the army previously and so there was a lot of personal family stuff and she wouldn't let them have any of it.

@trisher * I don't believe anyone builds happiness on someone else's misery.*

So either he and the OP are happy and the family are miserable, or the family are happy and the he and the OP are miserable. It doesn’t matter which way round it happens does it ? I’m not saying that they shouldn’t try to resolve things, but I don’t see what good them splitting up, even temporarily, will do. If and when they get back together all the resentment and anger will just resurface because it’s obvious that the family think she’s after his money. I don’t see how a temporary split will change that. They’re treating their father like a child and blackmailing him with his grandchildren. He may well feel some regret if his family follow through on their threats, but if he gives the OP up he may also resent his family for the rest of his life, for forcing him to give up a chance at happiness for no good reason.