Dating a widower with adult children

This is awful and it's all about money. I would like to think you could change all this but I don't think it will go away. It's up to him to sort it.

I am heartily sorry for you and your friend too and agree that his children are behaving immaturely and unkindly, but I would like to put forward some points for consideration.

How long ago did your friend's wife die? And did the son and his father who both witnessed the accident receive any psycological help? Can you be entirely sure that the children and their spouses are not still acting partialy due to the trauma of the death?

Another point: the media are full of stories of this kind, but also full of stories regarding the difficulties of inheritance complicated by a parent's second marriage if the new spouse outlives the one who had children.

As I understand the law in England a man or woman who remairries is not obliged to settle the desceased spouse's estate with the children of that marriage before re-marrying, as he would be in a lot of other countries, and the testator can still leave his entire estate as he wishes - there is no compulory amount that must be left to the children of his marriage or marriages.

If my understanding is correct, I can well understand the concern shown, although not the manner of it, by this man's children. They risk their father disposing of property and goods and chattels that had actually belonged to their mother without their knowledge or consent.

I cannot pretend to tell you what you can or should do now. (But am taking a shot at it all the same, sorry!) That depends entirely on your feelings for this man and his for you. If he has broken up with you basically because his children are more important to him than you are, then the sooner you force yourself to move on the better.

However, it sounds as if he does love you, but finds himself between the devil and the deep blue sea. Could you both consider seeing each other quietly for a while without forcing the fact on his children's attention?

After a while they may be prepared/ able to regard your relationship with their father as a good thing, or at the very least as none of their business.

Whilst I feel it’s not up to others to interfere in other peoples relationships family or not, 8 months isn’t long they probably feel their dad has got over their mother a bit to quickly.
I would be a bit upset if it only took my hubby 8 months to move on to another woman after I died even though I would want him to find someone in time.

I do think 8 months is too soon for children, even grown up ones to see the remaining parent with someone new.Too soon for anyone widowed even though it helps at the time you haven’t completed the grieving process. Know people that remarried within the year, but they regretted it.

What a very sad story for all involved. You say, he pursued you?
Maybe, you were very flattered by his advances? You were being kind and sympathetic and he needed you to emotionally lean on. He knew he could rely on you.
He and his son will be utterly traumatised by witnessing such a catastrophic, deeply personal event. PTSD ?
Allow some distance and time. In the future he may well come back to you if you want him in your life,but, in the mean time move on and live your life.
All the very best for the future.

From my own experience, my Mum dated very quickly after my Dad died, it is an awful thing, it's hard to see your remaining parent move on during your own grieving period, of course you do worry about gold diggers too. I don't think it's personal to you this dislike, they dislike the situation and feel it is too soon for their Dad to 'Move on' no matter who with. They will want him to be happy but it's very hard to see past your own hurt and emotions when you cannot replace who you have lost. I know it's hard for the Incomer BUT please try to see how awful the family are feeling.

8 months after his wife died and you’re the family’s employee. I’m sorry, but that would raise major red flags for me as an adult DC.

Given the nature of your work, if you’re not well-off financially and if he tends to be the one paying for you both then I can understand their concerns.

Wow 8 months is that all she’s being gone and you don’t understand why kids are being the way they are. They are still grieving their mum. I was just about to tell you to give them time. But come on 8 months it’s still raw the pain that they are feeling. I’m actually surprised he’s in the right frame of mind for a relationship in so short a time after losing his wife and child. When my dad died no way would I have except a new man in his house. Don’t matter who he was. Definitely not in first years my mum did met someone 3yrs after

I'm going to make a general statement here (and apologies to those who disagree) but from what I've seen in life, men seem to start dating much more quickly than women do when they've been widowed. 8 months doesn't sound like very long and it's no surprise that they are upset (maybe more against him than you). I've seen this from all sides - from 2 friends whose fathers remarried, and the surviving widow took everything (including a very healthy family business that was passed on through their mother); to a widowed mother whose boyfriend moved in, had her waiting on him hand and foot, and cleaned out her savings; to a divorced friend who started dating a lovely widower but his 3 daughters refused to talk to her when he was out of the room! (When he was in the room, they were very friendly but as soon as he left it, they cut her off). A friend in her 70's has been in a relationship with a man a little older than her for 10 years now, but they have never lived together - just holiday together, and go out together and spend time in each others houses, but have no plans to live together nor get married - and have made this very clear to his 2 daughters (who were not happy at the beginning). I think it helped that they realised that my friend has far more money than he does!! I think you're probably better out of that relationship - maybe in the future you can re-connect?

She does say, it was 8 months after his wife's tragic death which was witnessed by him and one of his children
EIGHT months........

Nannashirlz

Wow 8 months is that all she’s being gone and you don’t understand why kids are being the way they are. They are still grieving their mum. I was just about to tell you to give them time. But come on 8 months it’s still raw the pain that they are feeling. I’m actually surprised he’s in the right frame of mind for a relationship in so short a time after losing his wife and child. When my dad died no way would I have except a new man in his house. Don’t matter who he was. Definitely not in first years my mum did met someone 3yrs after

Exactly

Oh darling that's so very sad. Poor man and you must feel helpless too? Firstly they don't know what a goldigga is ! Secondly, I'd leave well alone and trust he'll do what he thinks best for himself, his kids sound vile! Poor guy.

CarlyD7

I'm going to make a general statement here (and apologies to those who disagree) but from what I've seen in life, men seem to start dating much more quickly than women do when they've been widowed. 8 months doesn't sound like very long and it's no surprise that they are upset (maybe more against him than you). I've seen this from all sides - from 2 friends whose fathers remarried, and the surviving widow took everything (including a very healthy family business that was passed on through their mother); to a widowed mother whose boyfriend moved in, had her waiting on him hand and foot, and cleaned out her savings; to a divorced friend who started dating a lovely widower but his 3 daughters refused to talk to her when he was out of the room! (When he was in the room, they were very friendly but as soon as he left it, they cut her off). A friend in her 70's has been in a relationship with a man a little older than her for 10 years now, but they have never lived together - just holiday together, and go out together and spend time in each others houses, but have no plans to live together nor get married - and have made this very clear to his 2 daughters (who were not happy at the beginning). I think it helped that they realised that my friend has far more money than he does!! I think you're probably better out of that relationship - maybe in the future you can re-connect?

Agree leave it alone and let him sort his self out! And guys are more likely to get back in the pool quicker, must be caveman instinct to go a-huntin' ?

Honestly, I also question the character of a woman who would work so closely with the family that presumably she knew the wife quite well - and sees nothing wrong with this? Makes you wonder if she was just biding her time.

It might be that you’re financially better off than he is - that would be worth letting his offspring know, it would certainly shut them up.
Have you children ? f your own what do they think.

I doubt it Cp. She was the hired help. Read the posts!

AmberSpyglass

Honestly, I also question the character of a woman who would work so closely with the family that presumably she knew the wife quite well - and sees nothing wrong with this? Makes you wonder if she was just biding her time.

Yes, I’ve been single 15 years and I took this job and waited 2 years for this woman to get killed instantly in her front yard so I could jump on her husband.
Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?
And maybe do a little reading,
It’s been a year and a half since she’s been gone.
Widowers often take up with someone they know, and within a few months of the loss of their wife.
I’m not saying the the adult children’s feelings should not be considered. What I’m saying is this situation is more the norm than an anomaly.
And I do want to say I appreciate everyone’s well written and considerate responses.

Yes, it has been 17 months since she passed away but you have been a couple now longer than he was widowed and single.

It is so easier for the AC to blame you than their father.

I do often wonder why I’m the target and not their father.
As far as his assets, he’s putting his estate into a trust. He’s hoping that will help.
And frankly, we just want to date. I’m pretty sure his assets are safe for him to date.
Regarding my ‘social standing’.
As noted in some of the above posts, women of means can scalp a man faster that a woman not as well off.

Interestingly there is a theory that the happier a man has been in his marriage, the more likely he'll want to replicate it by meeting someone else.

Also the person who has died. before their death often wants their partner to meet someone else because they want them to be happy. Just think about, would any of you want your surviving spouse to be unhappy, possibly for the rest of their life?

In this instance the man is 60- he could live for a long time.

Being cynical, you would think that the children would welcome someone coming into his life - at least she would take care of him so that they wouldn't have to.

I agree about inheritance worry. Also they maybe assumed dad would stay single, so it’s not actually you that’s the issue it’s everything about dad finding a new life partner. Sounds like they will cause future problems as they don’t sound very nice people. It’s a tough one, but if make sure whatever happens in the future you keep your own home. What a shame for you both.

Run a mile. You have no chance of making this work. I was in a relationship with a divorced man for nearly 14 years. His adult children destroyed my life. He was divorced for 8 years before we met. My adult children and other family members were very kind and loving towards him. His adult children were selfish, jealous, cruel and spiteful. I had bailiffs knocking my door looking for the daughter and debtors letters. She was giving my address though she had never lived there. One of the sons caused me to have my home raided at 6 a.m by the police. I was terrified ! He also had not lived at my home. His grandchildren were rude to me and even punched me on occasion. I tried really hard with them all in the early days but I was never going to have a happy life with them. We split up because of them. After 18 months apart he started messaging me to say he is unhappy and lonely. I can't take him back because of them !

I married a widower with adult children who hated me. They made my life miserable. My husband (now deceased) did not support me against his "children" (both over 40 when we married, after a nine year courtship - and their mother died more than 20 years before we met).
Sadly, I would not recommend this situation - but only the OP can decide.

If you marry him, unless he makes a specific new will all his money goes to you if he dies. So yes the children will be worried. They may be concerned about their child hoon memories and posessions etc.

Why are you dating? Why don't you just enjoy a good friendship and take it in turns to stay at each others places?

There is no rush and exploring a realtionship should be enjoyed over time. And may well be injoyed without marriage.

You will both have long histories and 9 months is too soon to be thinking of marriage and moving etc.