Smacking children

My dad just had to look at me and that was enough!

I worked in a Child Protection department for a number of years, dealing with children who were horribly abused in all ways.?

A light smack, as a last resort, doesn't really compare.

I was smacked, very occasionally, in the 50's, and I smacked mine, very occasionally, in the 70s.

All of us survived just fine, no one traumatised, no one in prison...???

For some reason, carrots always made me vomit. My mother didn't push it, but the school dinner lady did - until I threw up all over the floor....?

Our mother beat us. Even in public. To me it’s akin to an adult woman (for instance) being in a violent relationship. Always in fear of saying/doing the ‘wrong’ this and getting smacked, hit or punched for it.
I have never used physical abuse on any of my 4 children. It’s completely wrong and unnecessary.

catladyuk

Foxie48, what is a taws?

A tawse is a leather belt, which was split into two or three 'tails' at one end, which was routinely used to hand out punishments in schools here in Scotland until it was banned in 1987 (although private schools were allowed to continue using corporal punishment for around another 10 years).
My FiL was a saddler and making the tawses was a regular job for him. Some teachers had them made to their own particular requirements. One (very expensive) private school had their own unique design which was more like a leather ping-pong bat than a belt.

So we can assume it's ok to hit your child once, as long as you then feel terrible about it.
It's ok to spend a fortune sending your child to school where they hit them for you, using implements specially designed for the job.

When I was three I was playing in the garden when my mother called me in for dinner. I said “just a minute” . Mother said “when I call you you do as you are told and you don’t answer me back”. And smacked me. That was over ninety years ago and I have never forgotten it.

As a child I received more emotional abuse and occasionally was smacked, I'll take the smack over mind controlling emotional abuse any day. A good smack every now and then will not hender a child's growth, "spare the rod spoil the child" is true in my opinion, just never smack while in extreme anger or stress, a loving tap will not hurt a child or else they grow up and beat up a parent with no thought or regret.

in the 40s/50s both my sister and i were smacked as children by our mother, never by our father. she used to smack us with her hand, and also kept a thin cane to hit us around the the legs and if that was not available then anything near to hand. i remember having a full hot water bottle and even a chair thrown at me, she was very bad tempered, unlike her siblings, my aunts. we used to run next door to our nan who reprimanded our mother on several occasions to no discernible effect! we just accepted this as our lot, assuming it happened to all children. it didn't cause us any lasting harm and we both smacked our children when they were young. as many have commented, there is a world of difference between smacking and violent abuse. we only had cuddles from our father, never from her, and were never told we were loved. in hindsight, i think she must have had problems, mental or otherwise, that we knew nothing about and in later life she was (literally) a closet alcoholic.
incidentally, my father only ever slapped me once and that was when i was nineteen. i had been out with a boy and came home with a lovebite on my neck. i was innocent (we were in those far off days!) and didn't know about such things. my father however was of the opinion that you only got them when you were doing things you shouldn't. i wouldn't have dared, how times have changed!

My daughter and I saw a woman knock her child to the ground with a violent smack when we were in IKEA a few years ago. We were traumatised by witnessing it so heaven help that child. My daughter reported the incident to the police but they said they couldn't do anything. It still upsets me to remember it.

Blondiescot thank you

MissAdventure

So we can assume it's ok to hit your child once, as long as you then feel terrible about it.
It's ok to spend a fortune sending your child to school where they hit them for you, using implements specially designed for the job.

I can remember when DD came home from infants school (a state school) and said that our neighbour's son, in the same class, had been held upside down by the ankles by the teacher and swung around as punishment to show the others what would happen if they misbehaved. I always found the little boy to be lovely.

It makes you wonder how some of those teachers were allowed near children.

I don't know what happened to the teacher but I remember another one at a different school who got sacked for hitting a child, not just a smack, an assault. That one had humiliated my child in front of the whole class the year previously. She hadn't learnt, she just got worse.
Vile woman.

There are so many of you talking about belts, rulers, slippers, being beaten, canes, and other implements. This is abuse, and horrific. No wonder you don’t want to smack if you think this is the definition of’ smacking’.

I...and I’m sure many other posters, are not talking about this at all. I’m talking one short smack...back of hand or calf, when they’re too young to understand negotiation. So under three.

I found once my children reached three, there was no need, they were so good anyway. If they weren’t, I just took things away.

For the sake of trying to explain this, I don’t remember exactly, but two of my four children probably had five smacks a year each. The other two never needed them.

We really need to get this into perspective. Abuse is an entirely different thing to a one off short smack. I would be so hurt if I thought the years of abuse I suffered were put in the same league as the kid next door who got the odd smack. ( hypothetical). I wasn’t abused at all....just smacked.

What different upbringings we’ve all had. I always envied people who had loving parents especially a caring mother. My mother was a very angry woman and would vent her frustrations out on my sister and I. One day she hit me so hard I had a hand+shaped bruise on my arm, she never hit me again but my sister’s bullying of me intensified.
Mother also used my father as a threat as I was terrified of his anger. I never needed to be hit, frightened or screamed at as an already traumatised child. Looking back I realise that my Mother was a cruel woman who enjoyed tormenting her children and wanted them to feel as worthless as she did. My sister followed in her footsteps - not a good place to be at the bottom of the pecking order, and today I have not much contact with my sister. I was never a perfect parent and clung on as best I could through depression, never wanting my children to have had the loveless life I did, and for anything I did that was unjust I apologise. Even now if anyone shows me an act of genuine kindness I dissolve. (One little girl recently killed by her parents had 60 broken bones in her body - what the hell had she done to deserve that?)

My biggest regret. My kids weren't naughty at all, but I had a short temper, was living with their alcoholic father in a mountain of debt. Not excuses. There are none. My beautiful son bore the brunt of it & I will have to take the regret to my grave.

Yes, that is another consideration, of course.
Peoples living conditions, their own upbringing, the support they had (or didn't) their income and personal issues.

I remember hiding cabbage in with the mashed potatoes for my kids in the hope that they would eat it. They always found it though, so that didn't work! Smacking always a no no in my view.

One of my grandchildren would deliberately do something very naughty and then immediately go a sit on the “naughty step”. Seemed pointless punishment as grandchild thought it ok to break rules as she’d then sit out for a time.

Missiseff - sorry you had such a tough time. I hope you and your beautiful son find some peace

MissAdventure

Yes, that is another consideration, of course.
Peoples living conditions, their own upbringing, the support they had (or didn't) their income and personal issues.

Totally agree with this. If children live in a calm, supportive loving environment with parents who have had good parenting themselves, they are very lucky. For so many this is not their experience. I don't judge my mother for smacking me, her life was difficult and unhappy but she didn't abuse me, even as a child I understood this. I always understood why she'd smacked me. Of course "smacking" a child is wrong but calling it "abuse" labels every parent, who has ever smacked a child, an abusive parent is judgemental in the extreme. Surely we should keep that term for real abuse which is calculated, often cold and sometimes nothing to do with physical violence?

I did smack my son but very rarely. It was when he was sort of 3 and 4 years old when he was tall and well grown for his age,. He was of course curious but could reach more things than most of the children of his age and it was when he did things that were a danger to him and others. In particular I was very worried when he was getting excited about plugs and holes in the skirting board areas. He would be poking things with pencils, and once I found him with a pair of metal knitting needles just about to stick them in the plug!! and whatever he had in his hand. We lived abroad for some of that time and I did not trust the electrics safety, and in those days there were no safety plug things that you could stick in . The major problem was that he was strong and where other children of about that age couldnt actually remove the plugs my son could do it easily. He also frightened the life out of me when he was in his car seat and then suddenly he was stood up behind me in the car. The first time it happened I thought I hadnt put the seat belt on properly. But no, he was intelligent and watched how things fitted together and then promptly worked out how to undo things. the manufacturers said it wasnt possible for the child to twist and press etc and open the belt, (they hadnt met my son!) So for the plugs and the taking the belt off I would say NO in a very loud voice and give him one smack usually on his legs. He was always so surprised as it was not something I usually did and I remember him staring at me and rubbing his leg and not crying.! I felt awful about doing it but it was all I could think of to do and it was his safety that mattered . I am sure that is why my hair went grey early!! For ordinary upsets and any tantrums sort of things I tended to remove whatever the hassle was about and say dont and once he was a bit older you could explain why. If there was squabbles with children over toys etc., if they were playing in my house, my first thing was to say now share nicely or find something else etc. If it was a toy they were getting annoyed with I would just remove it and say find something else to play with, or if they begged to have it back I would have a sort of timed things and say well find something else for now and I would keep it away for about 10 minutes and if they settled down would give it back. At that time we lived in a big old house with high ceilings and a big landing. My husband got a big board and we laid out all the train track. then all the farm animals cars, etc were there for them to make bridges etc. Had a lot of lego that they used to make signals etc . Very popular in the winter time as you knew where they were and they were warm and safe. If a row ensued over anything my greatest threat was that if they couldnt play well together the other children would have to go home and I would switch the train set off and there would be a limit of time that he was not allowed to play with it. The worse would be that it was turned off until the next day. I rarely did that but it was definitely my best way to deal with it. Ah well he is in his 40's now and has his own little boy. Long time ago.

DiscoDancer1975

“There are so many of you talking about belts, rulers, slippers, being beaten, canes, and other implements. This is abuse, and horrific. No wonder you don’t want to smack if you think this is the definition of’ smacking’.

I...and I’m sure many other posters, are not talking about this at all. I’m talking one short smack...back of hand or calf, when they’re too young to understand negotiation. So under three.

I found once my children reached three, there was no need, they were so good anyway. If they weren’t, I just took things away.

For the sake of trying to explain this, I don’t remember exactly, but two of my four children probably had five smacks a year each. The other two never needed them.

We really need to get this into perspective. Abuse is an entirely different thing to a one off short smack. I would be so hurt if I thought the years of abuse I suffered were put in the same league as the kid next door who got the odd smack. ( hypothetical). I wasn’t abused at all....just smacked.”

Any pain inflicted on a child is abuse. Whether harsh or light, if it hurts it’s abuse.

So, making them upset by sending them to their room is abuse?
Emotional abuse?

Confiscating their belongings and not allowing them back until you see fit?
More abuse?