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On line dating site flirting!

(42 Posts)
Nonogran Tue 15-Mar-22 21:58:00

A dear friend has just come off the phone to me in floods of tears because she has discovered that her fiancé -partner of many years (but less than 10) has been exchanging newsy, flirty, kissy kissy emails with other women via a subscription on line dating site.

Both are in their seventies and he is impotent but as they don’t live together all the time she can’t know if, when her back is turned, he is meeting these women. She says he’s very complimentary to them & clearly they are anxious to meet him. He’s shared profile photos of himself which were taken by her on holidays together so that’s hurt her even more.

My advice to her was not to panic, take a deep breath and sleep on it. I’ve suggested that in time she might find a subtle way to challenge him & ask him to explain. He’s not been well recently & she’s spent considerable time assisting him over the last 12 months with practical issues and which have sapped her energy, helping him with the nightmare of an intestate family bereavement. Clearing the house and garden etc. has been heavy work. She feels betrayed.
My advice is that she should think of him as a “silly old fool” and not to throw baby out with the bath water because their relationship is generally strong and they have good times together when he’s well enough.
I think she should hold her cards up her sleeve & keep her antennae up.
What advice would other Grans give?

GagaJo Tue 15-Mar-22 22:05:53

I know this is probably a controversial POV, but I think she should ignore it. What harm can he do? He's bolstering his ego with 'what-ifs'. Poor old sod.

Esspee Wed 16-Mar-22 00:23:59

Personally I would be packing his belongings into a bin bag and leaving it outside the door.
The fact that he has paid to use the site shows premeditation. I wouldn’t be helping him after a betrayal like that.

Kalu Wed 16-Mar-22 00:39:20

There is no loyalty or trust in this relationship.

Those two important factors plus discovering her OH is also using a dating site, to ‘bolster his ego’, oh, please. Sorry, but no man would be allowed to treat me with such disrespect and would be shown the door. Of course she feels betrayed

Your friend deserves better.

sodapop Wed 16-Mar-22 09:00:21

I think your friend should ask her fiance about it Nonogran no need for subtlety
just a straight out question. I don't know how she found out about his "flirting" but I would be concerned. At the very least it does show a lack of respect. Bear in mind also that some illnesses may cause inappropriate sexual behaviour.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 16-Mar-22 09:12:33

If it were me he’d be history.

Nonogran Wed 16-Mar-22 09:18:15

I asked her the same question about how she found out? It transpires that occasionally she’s had to use his laptop for banking when she’s left hers at her place so he shared his password. This is the case this time.
I told her not to rush anything because if she decides to give him benefit of the doubt although evidence proves no doubt, she may need to access his laptop again sometime to see if it’s still going on. For example his subscription will run out so will he renew it?
If challenged, he will simply change the password & not tell her.
Softly softly catchee monkey. He probably thinks he’s very clever chatting up these women who are not to blame, but they’d need to be very understanding if they expect a physical relationship with him apparently.
She loves him and his latest bout of very Ill health means she would find it difficult to abandon his care at this time & walk away.
I don’t know (sigh) the internet has a lot to answer for. Silly old fool.

Lathyrus Wed 16-Mar-22 09:33:28

Who wants to be landed with an impotent, needy old fool?

Honestly what’s the point of staying. She can have a much better time without him. Why do you think she should hang on to him?

Are we still in an era where having an awful man is still thought to be better than having none🙄

Lathyrus Wed 16-Mar-22 09:35:05

Oh, I see that while I’ve been typing you’ve said she loves him.

Ok. I think he sounds revolting.

BlueBelle Wed 16-Mar-22 09:35:38

No not for me I think I d wave bye bye and tell him to enjoy his new found freedom

Grandmabatty Wed 16-Mar-22 09:39:51

Your friend is not responsible for her partner's health or care. He is. She is mistaking love for co dependency and perhaps the idea that she owes him something. She doesn't. He is cheating on her. It doesn't matter that he hasn't met the other women, it's still cheating. She has a choice : she accepts his online emotional cheating or she calls him out on it.

Nonogran Wed 16-Mar-22 09:40:50

Lathyrus, I was thinking the same thing but not all of us are strong enough. Neither of them are young, in their seventies, and she thinks the world of him.
Some women I guess do overcome this kind of thing so right now she’s not ready she says to kick over the traces.
Responses on here are very interesting so I’ll share them in case she finds them helpful.
Thanks to all.

Lathyrus Wed 16-Mar-22 09:47:02

I’m in my seventies too🙂

I’m really sad that she thinks life with a horrible man is all that is left for her because of that☹️

V3ra Wed 16-Mar-22 09:53:06

She might love him, but it doesn't sound as if he loves her.
If he did he wouldn't even look at this dating site, let alone pay to join and send other women messages.
Theirs is not a mutually supportive and respectful relationship. You say they don't live together all the time so it sounds as if your friend has her own property. I think that's her answer.
Yes she'll miss him, but she'll miss the relationship she thought she had, which it appears is not the reality.
Can you take her away on a short break with you to give her a chance to think things through?

lemsip Wed 16-Mar-22 09:55:38

well he's out of order isn't he but......... is there any fun and laughter in the relationship?....... you say he is impotent.... you can still hug and and laugh and giggle ..otherwise split up and find happiness elsewhere or alone.....

Chewbacca Wed 16-Mar-22 09:57:17

Who wants to be landed with an impotent, needy old fool?

This!

Kalu Wed 16-Mar-22 10:21:23

I am also in my seventies . Life is too short to waste it by staying with such an ungrateful old sod who is certainly not bringing much joy to this relationship or into your friend’s life.

He is loudly telling her she is not a priority in his life and she is flogging a dead horse if she thinks he will change his ways for her.

Nonogran Wed 16-Mar-22 11:34:56

I’ll suggest a break away with my friend as soon as she feels she can leave him. He has no family living nearby.
In general I would say their relationship seems good. They go away from time to time, take summer day trips, enjoy each other’s company (on the surface of it) and she told me he does reach for her hand across a dining table and say “I do love you, you know.” They are affectionate & his impotence doesn’t bother her too much most of the time. It’s become worse since a prostrate operation before they met & I guess old age creeping on.
All sounds a bit superficial to me but I’m not her.
Oh dear. I’ll leave her for a few days & catch up with her at the weekend.
Such a dilemma.

Dee1012 Wed 16-Mar-22 11:46:59

In all honesty, I would be walking away.

I've been in a similar situation once and listened to the excuses, the denials - the downright lies!
I gave this person a second chance and it ended very badly i.e I was sitting in a cafe with a friend when I saw him walk past holding hands with someone.

I think once trust is broken it can never really be regained, not for me anyway and while you can forgive, forgetting is a lot harder!

Kalu Wed 16-Mar-22 16:21:40

Were it my friend Nono, I would be telling her she deserves so much more than this chap is offering her. He will only wear her self worth down. Luckily she has her own home so has no legal ties to him or having to search for somewhere to live which, makes it somewhat easier to go no contact with him and enjoy her life without having to question, every day, what his true feelings are towards her.

snowberryZ Wed 16-Mar-22 16:36:16

I thought impotence was a thing of the past.
What with Viagra.

62Granny Wed 16-Mar-22 17:26:00

I would say to your friend "what is she getting from this relationship" he seems to have used all her energy lately, helping him with everything and what has he given her? If he gets ill again I am sure the ladies he is flirting with won't come to help. She will be stuck as you say he has no close family near by. I would definitely be ending this relationship .

Yammy Wed 16-Mar-22 17:44:15

Germanshepherdsmum

If it were me he’d be history.

He would be with me too. Maybe he's impotent because he is tiring himself out with other women. He's taking every advantage he can. He's got your friend tired out with looking after him!!!! What a cheek.
Where's the strong relationship when he's paying for on line titilation and flirting ,it show what respect he has for your friend.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 16-Mar-22 17:48:06

I think he sees the friend more as a nurse TBH.

manny Thu 17-Mar-22 14:21:02

One poster asks «what harm can he do?». A lot. I was in this position (married) - but my OH is even older than the OP’s man. After I found out, there was one short statement of remorse. I left. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. A few weeks after, he went abroad and was joined by the woman he’d been online with. There have been a couple more - that I know about - since.
Following something like this, you live with a permanent question mark over the relationship. I’m certain he was doing this stuff online while I was in the same room.
Fortunately, I had a house of my own to move back into.
It has been a struggle, especially if you care a lot and have really put your back into the relationship.
I now have a lot of trust issues - that’s part of the harm it does. I also feel a lot of compassion for the other women - they could not possibly know the truth about him and he is harming them