Have you ever been the other woman?

I did know a couple who were 'social' friends of ours. He had been having an affair for years, it seems. Eventually, he told his wife he wanted a divorce and shortly after, he married his partner. He was a nice guy who deserved to be happy. I would not have wanted to be married to his first wife.

Who knows what goes on behind closed doors and where and how people find their escape from unhappiness. No one "owns" someone else; people can and do make choices. I wonder if deflecting the blame to the "other woman" is a way of not having to look at your part in the marriage and that of the man (or woman) you married.

I sympathise Jane. My 'father' was horrible too.

Someone very close to me has been totally broken after finding out her husband of 30 years has hooked up with an old flame. He hasn't left but the lies and distress this has caused to his wife is terrible to witness. She thought they were happy.

Yes, but I didn’t know that he was married.
I honestly thought that we were going to be a proper couple; even get married!
He was a very sophisticated older man; a very successful graphic designer in London.
He sounds quite similar to JaneJudges father.
Very manipulative and preyed on me because I was very vulnerable.
I was incredibly upset when I found out (I actually spoke to his wife on the phone!)
It was me who ended it.
I called him a w****

No, never, and I wouldn’t dream of becoming involved with a married man. My husband of just under 30 years left me for a single woman of much the same age as the two of us. He married her as soon as possible after the decree absolute had been granted. I truly believe he did it for the money as he was in very bad debt at the time.

I had a friend, a lady much older than me, who had a lover for at least 20 years. Her husband must have known, but it was never mentioned. It continued until the death of the lover.

No - but could so easily have been. I had a colleague with whom I shared an office, and he was very handsome and the object of everyone's admiring gaze. I was not unaware of his good looks - he was eminently fanciable - but was a married woman with 3 children, so it was irrelevant. He had a long term partner and step-children. To my amazement one day he made it clear that he both fancied me and felt emotionally drawn to me - you could have knocked me down with a feather! I was about 10 years older than him.

I made it clear that I was not available, but it caused an uncomfortable atmosphere in the office. I tried to deal with it kindly because he had recently had a cancer diagnosis and was pretty screwed up about it.

Eventually he applied for a transfer, having spent weeks asking me if he should do this and hivering and havering. It was a very uncomfortable time for me. I could have got him the sack for the nature of some of the things he said to me, but I recognised that he was under serious stress. He did eventually move on, much to my relief.

I always say that to fancy someone outside your marriage is fine - it happens all the time - but it is what you do about it that matters.

DaisyAnne

^A dear friend of mine died recently and to my surprise she had been the OW for many years and know would never have told me as my own marriage broke up due to the OW. At the time I literally hated this woman but it does take two to tango as they say.^ mrsgreenfingers56 Mon 28-Mar-22 13:10:10

Your marriage did not break up "due to the OW" it broke up because your husband broke his vows and promises to you and who knows why he did that.

Why, oh why, do women always prefer to attack women!!!

In my experience a man will only leave his wife if he has another woman to go to whereas a woman will, if she possibly can, walk away from an unhappy marriage. Does anyone know of a man that has left a marriage to live on his own because the marriage wasn’t happy? Even thinking about the woman my husband left me for still makes me feel weak and shaky. After he left me, moved in with her and bought her a dream cottage to live in she secretly had a relationship with her ex husband but only agreed to go back to him if my ex gave her half the value of their house (which she hadn’t contributed financially to). When I was in a singles group afterwards we all used to say we couldn’t understand how our husbands could fall in love with someone that was prepared to make our children unhappy. My husbands lover, on the one occasion I spoke to her ( I found her number on his mobile) accused me of being a bad wife when I asked her why she was doing this to me. I had to keep the affair a secret for two years to protect our children. I could never do anything that would hurt someone’s children.

Kate1949

Someone very close to me has been totally broken after finding out her husband of 30 years has hooked up with an old flame. He hasn't left but the lies and distress this has caused to his wife is terrible to witness. She thought they were happy.

I'm going to take the "women" out of this -it's so misogynistic. The bond that was split was between two people not created by one outsider. The couple made promises, not the person who may well have thought promises were made to them too.

You have to ask why these people whose marriages are affected (and of course they are) do not look to themselves in that relationship. Or do they think they are both without fault?

Ah yes I have been. My DH was married to his first wife when we met. Didn't tell me for months, was waiting for his divorce to go through. Was frightened I would stop seeing him.
Now been married for 47 years.

I agree about the misogyny of thinking in terms of “the other woman”. As someone said what about “the other man”, a term I’ve never heard used.

A neighbour left his wife recently, both in their late sixties. He inherited his parents' flat; they did it up to let; he said he would stay in it to see that everything worked, (pre-covid) and has never returned home since. As far as anyone knows he lives alone, there is no relationship with anyone else, and the marriage was apparently happy. He just wanted his own company; she was devastated.

DaisyAnne The person I am talking about has definitely examined her role in this. She has decided she is unattractive, boring, stupid and that it's her fault.
She is none of the above. She is lovely, kind and clever. They have destroyed her self esteem.

One of my DH's aunt's was the OW, pushed into it by his wife.

Before the aunt's 1st husband died the two couples had been good friends, holidayed together, really close friends, after the husband died DH's uncle did everything he could to help his widow sort her life out and so on. His marriage wasn't happy and I think he was glad of the opportunity to get out of the house, but he was faithful to his wife.

His wife, however then decided he was having an affair with this lady and went on and on about it, threatened divorce, until he got so fed up, he more or less told her how fed up he was with being constantly accused of doing something he hadn't done that he might as well give her reason for her suspicions and then she could divorce him as she said she would.

And that was what happened. He married the OW and they were happily married for 10 - 15 years before both died within a year of each other.

I am not sure that was what the first wife thought would happen. But long before these marital shenanigans, my MiL had commented once or twice apropos other things that she always thought that her brother's wife was a very silly woman.

I never stop thinking about what I could have done to hold my marriage together. I thought that, when the children had both left for uni we would start a new chapter of our lives. But he’d moved on. I can still remember him telling me he was seeing someone else. It was as if someone had thrown a bucket of ice cold water over me. I couldn’t do anything about it because our son was in his room upstairs. We could be helping our children financially now. People that knew us in our youth still can’t believe it happened.

I had what would be termed an emotional affair with someone I worked with. I was young and probably stupid. He wasnt young and was weak. I wasnt the first and am sure I wasnt the last. It impacted my behaviour for years.

Nope !!!!

Kate1949 I asked if they looked at themselves "in that relationship" rather than thinking the problem was outside the relationship. Looking at what was good and not so good for your friend "in the relationship" can help people see that they have things they want to do and couldn't or used to do and don't want to. That tommorow can be better than yesterday and they - not some outside being - has control of what they do now.

I don't think the type of "examination" you describe is useful although it may be understandable. However, I'm sure you support your friend and encourage a healthy examination of her life ahead. I know that, in the difficult times in life, my friends have been amazing.

Husband's/ partners have choices to make as do women..wives/ gf/OW.

I would hope I would not be the OW. If a man is not able to be honest with his wife/ partner & say that he was not happy in the relationship why would I , as a potential OW, think he would be honest with me?
I know women can be unreasonable and unpleasant as wives & partners as much as men can but if a person can be dishones, deceitful & cowardly I don't think I want to be involved with them.

What amazed me was when a woman who had been deeply hurt by her husband's adultery, when divorced, went on to have an affair herself with a married man, causing deep grief, that she would have fully understood, to another woman.

We married young, in year 4/5 husband started staying out late, behaviour attitude etc changed. He wouldn’t be honest with me so I searched his suit pockets/ briefcase etc. Found a love note from a girl at work.
Decided to “fight” - not leave him, so phoned his work and asked to speak to this girl. Asked her if she sent notes to all the married men in the office or was it just my husband! Managed to get in that if she carried on I’d soon be sending her a bag of his dirty washing too…. Of course she told him immediately. He never apologised to me, but it shocked him and it stopped. Trust was gone for ages, but i got over it. I weighed up pros & cons!! Have just celebrated 40 years of marriage.

No it probably isn't useful DaisyAnne but this lady is broken and can't think straight.

M0nica

What amazed me was when a woman who had been deeply hurt by her husband's adultery, when divorced, went on to have an affair herself with a married man, causing deep grief, that she would have fully understood, to another woman.

Yes. I’ve known that happen, too. And it happened with someone quite well known a few years ago as well, but I can’t remember who it was.

Kate1949

No it probably isn't useful DaisyAnne but this lady is broken and can't think straight.

I give up Kate1949. Of course you are absolutely right and the "other women" must be the problem. Perhaps you would like to explain though, how thinking like that will help your friend.

MayBee70

M0nica

What amazed me was when a woman who had been deeply hurt by her husband's adultery, when divorced, went on to have an affair herself with a married man, causing deep grief, that she would have fully understood, to another woman.

Yes. I’ve known that happen, too. And it happened with someone quite well known a few years ago as well, but I can’t remember who it was.

If it were rational it would never happen in this way although I doubt you can stop couples in this time of much longer lives, splitting up. We are dealing with human beings. But then ... someone else must be blamed. I still don't understand why women blame women but then there is a lot in life I don't understand.