Have you ever been the other woman?

I think it would be much better if we looked at what leads to the adultery in the first place. It is easy to blame the woman or shrug and say well, men are like that, cannot keep the trousers zipped up etc etc, but while there are men who want their cake and eat it and will stray as much as they can, often the adultery is a sign of othe problems in the marriage and, I think the advice 'wronged' women are often given to kick hm out if he strays, is not the best. Addressing the issues that caused the disatisfaction that led to straying would probably be a much better solution.

Ok. So I was a really s**t wife. How many of you marital experts have actually lived with an adulterous husband, protected their children from it and feared for their future financially having stayed at home looking after the children and been loyal for thirty years.. Because if you haven’t been through a divorce you really don’t understand how it rips you apart….and continues to do so….

MayBee

MayBee The relationship with my DH and I did nearly end in divorce at one point. We had DDs aged 10 & 12, separated for a period and then after a very turbulent time , much hard self reflection, lots of counselling/mediation we both decided we wanted it to work.
It was then a tough few years.
I had to be honest about my contribution to the problems..not easy holding a mirror up to oneself..
I think because we made a really conscious decision to be together our relationship did flourish.
For some there is not an opportunity to choose which path ..it is out of their hands and that is hard but often it is not just one person that causes a breakdown in a relationship.

M0nica

I think it would be much better if we looked at what leads to the adultery in the first place. It is easy to blame the woman or shrug and say well, men are like that, cannot keep the trousers zipped up etc etc, but while there are men who want their cake and eat it and will stray as much as they can, often the adultery is a sign of othe problems in the marriage and, I think the advice 'wronged' women are often given to kick hm out if he strays, is not the best. Addressing the issues that caused the disatisfaction that led to straying would probably be a much better solution.

I couldn't agree more M0nica. However, once trust is broken, by any behaviour, it is difficult to stay in a relationship and takes a great deal of work on both sides. On the other hand, there is within marriages, worse behaviour than an extramarital relationship.

Relationships ebb and flow. At times couples are in lockstep where their aims and dreams lead them. At times they are going in the same direction but with a distance between them and also, at times, they each want things that are different and may, in the end, want to go in different directions.

I cannot see how the vicious internalised attacks on a third person you may not even know helps the person who, totally reasonably, feels undermined by a decision made, in a partnership, without consulting them.

It's hugely difficult to move forward from these events; no one denies that. But so is life for many other reasons than divorce.

Missed your post PECS. A very helpful perspective on a very difficult subject.

PECS thanks for your post. Two of my loved one’s is in the kind of situation you describe. I’m impressed by the way they’re working together for their children, living separately but sharing care. Individual and couple therapy ongoing. Whatever happens, they’re IMO doing great work

DaisyAnne. I think we have crossed wires. My friend doesn't just blame the other woman. She blames herself, her husband and the other woman who contacted her husband on social media after many years of being out of the picture. She was a previous girlfriend and is (allegedly) unhappy in her marriage. I totally agree that if everything was fine in my friend's marriage this probably wouldn't have happened.
MayBee I totally agree with your post.

Iam64 Sending good wishes to your loved ones. It is a tough journey & I hope it works out in a way that is best for them.

Iam64 I am also sending good wishes. One of my very close loved ones went through this a while ago. It was horrendous. They worked through it, thanks to my fantastic loved one.

Kate1949

*DaisyAnne*. I think we have crossed wires. My friend doesn't just blame the other woman. She blames herself, her husband and the other woman who contacted her husband on social media after many years of being out of the picture. She was a previous girlfriend and is (allegedly) unhappy in her marriage. I totally agree that if everything was fine in my friend's marriage this probably wouldn't have happened.
MayBee I totally agree with your post.

Nobodies marriage is perfect. Mine wasn’t and I do and did hold myself partly responsible for what happened. Most of my friends were male as I had shared interests with them. My husband started being friends with an ex fiancée of his and my daughter found a message from her which made us realise that he had tried it on with her and she’d rebutted him ( my daughter wasn’t deliberately spying on him). So if she had wanted to take it further she could have but she was decent enough not to. He had this idea that other marriages were perfect and I used to tell him they weren’t. After he had an affair with a barmaid at his local pub (she listened to his problems and obviously told him how awful his marriage was) I tried really hard to hold our marriage together but he started seeing her again, used to come home smelling of her perfume (I don’t understand how that was unless she made a point of making sure that happened). Her husband, known to be violent, threatened to come and wreck our house and yet he still couldn’t give her up. I could have understood if she was a warm caring person but no one in our village liked her. She banned me from the pub she worked at but I went and sat there one evening. I went home and shook all over for hours. One night he didn’t return from the pub and I dreaded our son waking up and asking where his dad was. Thankfully he returned in the early hours. I then filed for divorce. It was two years of hell. I used think divorce sounded glamorous until it happened to me. Elizabeth Taylor was always getting divorced! He said to me that she was the sort of woman he would never have married or have children with but she was ‘what he wanted now’. I even went to marriage guidance on my own and he didn’t even ask me how I’d got on. I stopped going because I couldn’t afford the sessions.Being in my singles group we all had similar tales to tell. I’ve realised this makes my ex sound like a horrible man, but he isn’t. He’s one of the most decent people I’ve ever known. Still is and we both still love each other and are there for each other even though we’ve both moved on and have new partners

MayBe70 loads of empathy for your situation and all power to you for still seeing the good in a flawed human being.

I have a friend who is the 'OW' with th man who makes excuse after excuse for not leaving his wife. It's gone on for 30+ years during which time she has been married twice. He makes the same old excuse ..wife has postnatal depression, children have started school, children in high school, children in college etc etc and once his excuse was his wife didn't make him a cup of tea when he was working in the garden. My friend has hung on hoping that one day he will be hers - foolish woman, seldom happens!!

It almost sounds like a form of addiction doesn’t it. He is being horribly cruel to her.

Kate1949

*DaisyAnne*. I think we have crossed wires. My friend doesn't just blame the other woman. She blames herself, her husband and the other woman who contacted her husband on social media after many years of being out of the picture. She was a previous girlfriend and is (allegedly) unhappy in her marriage. I totally agree that if everything was fine in my friend's marriage this probably wouldn't have happened.
MayBee I totally agree with your post.

I would want to get your friend some help. I feel the focus on the outsider is why many people move to the "or is it me" stage. Yes, generally we all need to look at how we have behaved towards others but finding fault instead of finding posible reasons just seems so unhelpful. Your friend also needs to look at where she has been a strong and capable person, etc. She needs to assess how she can now live her life. Doesn't focusing on 'the person outside the marriage' slow this process down?

I wonder if our expectations are too great of romantic love and marriage, and monogamy for what can be 60 plus years?
No one is perfect, we are all flawed human beings in our way, but there is no doubt that children, particularly in their early years, flourish in a stable and secure environment, and it helps if they have parents who can give them that love and security.

Perhaps we need to re think lifetime partnerships, but I have to say it has worked for me through good and bad times, but I can understand those for whom it hasn’t worked out.

Beats me why the “ other woman” would want a man who strays. Once a cheat always a cheat.

Maybe down the line my friend with re-assess her life. At the moment she is in shock and turmoil and certainly not thinking straight.

No I have never been the other woman, neither has my dh been the other man. 56 years, good and bad, mostly ok. So we limp along reasonably happily.
However if he ever had I would blame him as he, and not the other woman, would be the one who broke our trust.

Kate1949

Maybe down the line my friend with re-assess her life. At the moment she is in shock and turmoil and certainly not thinking straight.

Tell her to see her doctor. Mine put me on anti depressants which brought me up to a level where I could function properly. I was ok when I was at work (no one had any idea what was happening because a secret is not a secret if you tell even one person) but the minute I left work I would fall apart. Give her a virtual hug from me please.

Thank you MayBee. I think she's seen her GP. I'm not sure what the outcome was. She is retiring this month. They had so many plans. They are in their mid 60s. What a shame.

There is a saying that the Heart ( and maybe other parts) cannot be stolen they will go where they want to go.?

M0nica

I think it would be much better if we looked at what leads to the adultery in the first place. It is easy to blame the woman or shrug and say well, men are like that, cannot keep the trousers zipped up etc etc, but while there are men who want their cake and eat it and will stray as much as they can, often the adultery is a sign of othe problems in the marriage and, I think the advice 'wronged' women are often given to kick hm out if he strays, is not the best. Addressing the issues that caused the disatisfaction that led to straying would probably be a much better solution.

That reminded me of what an Irish friend once told me: if a husband strayed, or actually left for someone else, the good old priest would almost invariably tell the wife that it was her own fault, she can’t have been a good enough wife to him.

I’d have thought/hoped that such attitudes were long gone.

Witzend I was suggesting something mutual, NOT blaming the woman.

I think someone having 'flaws' is a poor excuse for some people's behaviour