Where have all the dads gone?

Daughter one did everything in the right order. University, career, marriage, babies.
Daughter two, had a top education, was all set to leave for university in a few weeks, then she drops her bombshell, she’s pregnant.
She is by no means stupid, she’ll deny it till her dying breath, but I don’t think it was accidental, but for the life of me, I can’t understand her motivation.

That is the point, Gagajo; if there is no work you have to up sticks and go where the work is,however reluctant you may be., which is what you have done. At present I believe there are many opportunities. I believe. My grandparents did, my father did, my father -in-law did, my ex-husband did and I followed him, and many many migrants are doing so.

The problem with following the work, is that you lose any support system you might have had, not saying it’s always a bad thing, but must need some weighing up.

One of the great problems created by the last two governments is the one which offers social housing to single mothers which is a long distance away from their home and family. Girls must choose between inadequate housing and the support of close family or decent housing and isolation. It's just another problem for them.

One of the reasons why there is a huge inequality in wealth is because UK is so London-centric, everything revolves around London and the South East. Job opportunities are mostly In London and down South and not evenly distributed throughout the country especially up North.

After university, my daughter had to go to London for her paid internship and I had to go to my bank to borrow money to send her there. If I did not do that, she will still be working on the shop floor today.

My daughter has an old school friend. She was bullied at school and suffers from low self esteem. When she goes out, she has a tendency to drink too much.

She has a partner as such but she told DWP she is single to get housing benefit and put her status on Facebook as single and not in a relationship. Three lovely children and she is a very good natural mother to them but there is a big question mark as to whether all the children are her partner’s.

With genealogy dna becoming popular nowadays, one day, the poor girls are going to find out that the person they call dad all their life is not their biological father.

Another colleague of mine had a one night stand and the woman fell pregnant. They had too much to drink. He is not an absent father , he was involved in his son's life.
His son does not look like him at all. Not sure whether he did a DNA or just take the woman's word as the truth.

Trisher
I agree, whoever came up with that solution obviously didn’t give much thought to the problems.
So, you have a home. You don’t know anyone at all. Your only chances of being able to get back into education or employment are gone because there’s no mum, gran, sister willing to help out.
The days must seem endless, money is tight, I’m sure that mental health problems are common amongst these young women.
Just seems cruel to me.

Sara1954

The problem with following the work, is that you lose any support system you might have had, not saying it’s always a bad thing, but must need some weighing up.

This is so true. It's all very well saying go where the work is - but what use is that if you end up living somewhere where you don't know anyone and don't have that support system around you. Who is there to look after your child/children - especially in an emergency? It's not always the answer...

It's funny though when women were needed to work during war time the government funded free day nurseries to care for their children, There was more nursery provision in WW2 than at any time since. So it is possible to provide help and childcare. It's just a choice. And this government shut down Sure Start, so it shows how much they care for mothers and their children.

trisher

It's funny though when women were needed to work during war time the government funded free day nurseries to care for their children, There was more nursery provision in WW2 than at any time since. So it is possible to provide help and childcare. It's just a choice. And this government shut down Sure Start, so it shows how much they care for mothers and their children.

I think this Government has exhausted itself by its one big gesture of Furlough. Anything as radical as free nursery provision would scare them to death.
They have retreated into their austerity bunker, which harms women and children disproportionately.

On the subject of missing dads: I knew a man who didn't see or pay for his child because "he couldn't bear to see what he had lost". I didn't have much sympathy there.

YGagajo I know of people, young and older, who do choose UC as a lifestyle choice, it’s all they know, single mothers, young men, often living with parent(s) who do the same. They supplement their UC by working ‘on the black’ cash in hand, this market is thriving as well as it’s ever done.
Some mums have arrangements with absent fathers to pay them, erratically though it is, in cash, rather than a more formal arrangement.

I think we probably all know of people who fit that category.

It's very unpleasant to be swept into being judged as "one of those", though.

I was offered vouchers for a food bank last week, and I'm so glad I said no, because I now have an insight on how some of the lovely volunteers really feel.

The point being, "some", because all are different.

Sara1954 maybe your daughter didn't want to go to university ? Maybe she felt she was being pushed down the same path as her sister and didn't feel just telling you would make a difference?
I know a young woman who was almost forced into Uni,she had other ideas for her future but her father decided Uni it had to be .She had a nervous breakdown during her first term.She was forced to go back ,she did and finished her course with good results...she hasn't spoken to her father in the 10 years since . Talk to your daughter dont assume Uni is the right route for her ,she may well have a very different idea .

Paddyann
I’ve had a lot of years to consider this, and I think there’s a grain of truth in there.
But we wouldn’t have pushed her, her brother didn’t go to university and that was fine by us.
I started to feel a little reluctance when she saw the accommodation, but must have asked her a hundred times if she was happy with everything.
She joined the family business, has done extremely well, but two failed relationships, three children, I wish I’d really forced a discussion instead of hearing what I wanted to hear.

You mustn't kick yourself over what you could have said or done but didn't Sara54 You love her, you wanted what you thought was best and that is all you can do.

On the subject of food banks . Here we have a community fridge, funded by the climate challenge fund, which is filled with left over, supermarket, almost out of date food. I feel I am doing the planet a favour to use it though I am not in receipt of any "benefits" apart from my pension. The alternative for the food is compost or possibly pig feed.
The supermarkets then don't have to declare this as food waste. A third of all food worldwide is wasted which is a climate calamity.

3 children, 2 partners.
Considering the divorce rate these days it's no different for many people, as I have said, including people on here and their own family dynamics.

I was absolutely furious with my girl when she was pregnant.

It was one of the residents in the home I worked in who said "It's only a little baby. That's all. She hasn't killed anyone, or beaten them up. She's having a baby, that's all"

My Mum has always said the same too, it is just a baby - worse things can happen than someone having a baby

Yes, the baby can turn into a huge, stroppy teen.
My little ray of sunshine has just come in, full of the joys of spring.

you do a marvellous job, your daughter would be proud of you x

MissAdventure

Yes, the baby can turn into a huge, stroppy teen.
My little ray of sunshine has just come in, full of the joys of spring.

"Grunt, grunt, I have to do everything round here" when asked to lay the table

Not saying that your ray of ? is like that, MissA
I was thinking of my DGC

He is like it.
The only thing he can reliably do is spend hours at the hall mirror, squeezing his spots.

JaneJudge

you do a marvellous job, your daughter would be proud of you x

Sadly I won't be up for any accolades this year in terms of my nurturing skills.
They seem to have disappeared of late.

You are certainly not going to be shot down in flames by me OP as you are absolutely right,

The daughter of a friend of mine is married in her early thirties and in a two bedroom flat. In the flat above is a young woman with three small children and expecting a fourth.
No husband/father on the scene.
The woman delightedly told my friend’s daughter that she is soon being moved into a three bedroom house, complete with benefits of course.
My friend’s daughter would love to start a family but they are doing everything right by waiting until they can afford to, so it’s extremely galling to hear about this feckless young woman getting a house handed to her on a plate.

There’s something very wrong with a system that effectively rewards the irresponsible in society.

Oh and all the children have different ‘fathers’ of course,

What area would that be, please?
People wait 10 or more years, here to even move up on the ever increasing list.

Miss A, if you need the food bank vouchers, get them.Please don’t let the small mean minded few on here put you off.
You do a wonderful job with your Grandson. It’s just an absolute disgrace that you should need the food bank