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Feel a bit sad and unwanted

(105 Posts)
Skydancer Mon 11-Apr-22 12:25:05

Have spent school holidays helping with GS now aged 15 all his life. So many wonderful times. His parents both work. This holiday DD has hinted I'm not needed as he's fine on his own. The area is very safe and he'll obviously go out with friends. I've said I'll pop in to check on him but I can tell neither she nor my GS think this is necessary. Feel so sad I could cry. I feel that some supervision is needed as 15 is a tricky age and a guiding hand is sometimes required although it's more that I shall feel lost. I feel pathetic and as if I've wasted years

silverlining48 Mon 11-Apr-22 12:31:13

You haven’t wasted years skydancer, you have had 15 years f joy with your gs. My gd is 12 and no longer funds playing shops and schools anymore, and yes it does make me sad too so I do understand but we both know this is what happens and we have to look forward to the next stages in their lives.
A 15 year old boy woukd be strange if he felt he needed to be looked after by his gran, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Take care [ flowers]

silverlining48 Mon 11-Apr-22 12:32:11

More flowers

Grannybags Mon 11-Apr-22 12:32:31

Don't feel sad. They weren't wasted years as you have made lots of happy memories for both you and your GS

All you can do is take a step back but he'll know that he can call on you if he needs help

I was commuting to work in London at 15 so I don't think you need to worry too much about him!

sodapop Mon 11-Apr-22 12:33:18

Quite the opposite Skydancer you should be congratulating yourself on a job well done. You have helped to bring up your grandson to be an independent young man and been a big support to your family. Now it's time to follow your own interests and hobbies.
Why don't you suggest the occasional mert up with your grandson because you will miss him not because he needs looking after. Enjoy this new phase of your life.

SueDonim Mon 11-Apr-22 12:36:12

Of course you haven’t wasted years! You’ve been a helping hand while your GS was small and as he was growing up. It’s only natural that he now wants to spread his wings but you’re still a good safety net for if/when he needs it.

Maybe it’s now time for you to develop more interests of your own. I don’t think it’s healthy to make your family responsible for your happiness. I’m sure there will be voluntary groups that would welcome your help - maybe investigate those.

Joane123 Mon 11-Apr-22 12:36:54

I understand how sad you feel Skydancer. The bond with our grandchildren is very strong. I still miss the contact I used to have with my eldest grand daughter but I have just taken a phone call from her and it lifted my spirits (although I could hardly say goodbye through the tears).
You have done a wonderful job with yours, a time full of love and care. It is hard to let them go.
Think about the good times you had together and you can still see him now and again. Take a phone call now and again too, it does help.
Sending hugs flowers

Grandmadinosaur Mon 11-Apr-22 12:37:33

Why don’t you invite him out for lunch as a treat one day? I’m sure he would still be up for that.
I feel for you Skydancer I’m dreading those times coming with my grandchildren.

SuzieHi Mon 11-Apr-22 12:37:46

You should be proud that you’ve helped to shape him into the lovely teenager he is today.
Why not ask him over for a lunch at yours/ or suggest a pub lunch one of the days - if he’s free?
It’s normal for teenagers to want to be independent at this age.

jaylucy Mon 11-Apr-22 12:40:31

I used to spend a lot of time with one of my nieces from when she was about 5.
We used to go shopping by bus on a Saturday whenever she came for the weekend and my son (the same age) went over to a friends.
We also used to go to concerts together - in the last few years, she used to drive, I always paid for the tickets!
That all stopped when she went to Uni, even though she was at a college nearby and I haven't really spent much time with her since - I felt really redundant , I can say!
She is expecting her first baby this summer but I very much doubt if I will be seeing either of them unless there is a family event we both attend and I just get the feeling that she doesn't want to spend time with me anyway !

Visgir1 Mon 11-Apr-22 12:43:18

Definitely not wasted years.. He will never forget them and I'm sure he will hold onto much love for you as he grows up.
My children did the same around 15, I used to take time off work during summer holidays to be home with them, they didn't want me around, gave up with doing that.

My parents did the same as you, my holiday childcare support, and after school care. They were both very comfortable at their grandparents home, they all had amazing closeness and love for them.
Not wasted years, enriched years full of fun and love.
Which your Grandson will have for you, I'm sure.

PerserverencePays Mon 11-Apr-22 12:46:14

It is so sad when they don't need you any more. But cherish all the foundations you have laid that show your grandson what a loving, happy relationship looks like. It's a very precious thing that you and he have.
When he gets past his teenage angst, he may well enjoy meeting you for a coffee and a chat and it'll be like old times.
My grandson, an awkward a child as you are ever going to meet, at fourteen, spontaneously gave me hug at the weekend. I nearly burst into tears but held it together as I didn't want to put him off ever doing it again!
Be proud that he's becoming independent, that's how it should be.

Yammy Mon 11-Apr-22 12:48:17

Feel proud he is a capable young man who you have helped to be that. He'll always love his gran but perhaps will not be so willing to show it so openly. Or feel he wants to put you to the trouble of looking after

62Granny Mon 11-Apr-22 12:52:09

The offer of lunch out is a good one or how about a family meal at yours over the bank holiday, another thing if you are a driver and have a car could be the offer of a lift if he needs it . My daughter used to like calling down to her GM for lunch/ brunch before she headed off to meet her friends if you are nearer enough he could do that now and again.

DiscoDancer1975 Mon 11-Apr-22 12:55:24

Absolutely don’t feel you’ve wasted anything. Quite the opposite. It’s your love and care over the years of his life, that have helped bring him to the place he is in now.

He’ll fly for a few years....but he’ll be back. Do something for yourself in between.

Davida1968 Mon 11-Apr-22 12:58:15

Skydancer, you have my sympathy. Our own DGS is now 15, and on on our last visit (family are overseas and the visit was made after not seeing them for years because of Covid) he barely spoke to us. I recommend looking up: "Kevin becomes a teenager", on YouTube. This is an (old!) TV sketch with Harry Enfield, which says it all, IMO.
As other GNS have said here, all you can do as a Gran is to keep open and available to him. I just keep reminding my self that "this too, will pass."

JaneJudge Mon 11-Apr-22 13:03:13

ask him for dinner? or out for lunch?
The way to a teenage boy is through his stomach smile

You sound like you have been a steady Grandma and a good influence in your daughter and grandsons life, that is something to feel proud of xx

pensionpat Mon 11-Apr-22 13:04:34

For 10 years we did the school run, at both ends of the day. Then for some of the school holidays. We were close to him and knew all about his life. We knew things would change but it was sudden and drastic. It was lockdown, and we weren’t needed for anything even after lockdown. It was a little sad but he had moved on to the next part of his life. He is now at Uni, and we are proud of him. And feel privileged that we had that time with him. C’est la vie.

Lolo81 Mon 11-Apr-22 13:17:34

Please don’t feel pathetic, feel proud of your input and help that has helped to make him into the young adult he is becoming. Giving him the space to become independent is just as important as all the times you fed and cuddled him as a wee boy.

Elizabeth27 Mon 11-Apr-22 13:29:41

15-year-olds do not need a babysitter. Think back to when your daughter was that age, did you think the years bringing her up were wasted when she did not need you anymore.

Maybe you need more outside interests rather than concentrating on childcare.

Oldladynewlife Mon 11-Apr-22 13:33:37

I think that along with a prolonged adolescence modern life has left a lot of us thinking that we need a prolonged motherhood or grand motherhood to give our lives shape and meaning. I love babies and the baby stage! When my kids were teens I started volunteering with new mothers who needed someone experienced to hold their hands. Then I changed fields and went into clinical social work. My two children will not have children for a while. I’m never going to fill my cup being grandma—much as I might want to! I and my friends, rising sixties, need to think seriously about taking up activities that renew us—writing, art, hiking, volunteering. Because being granny is not going to be a full time identity for us even if in an ideal world we would like it to be. And it never was! This next stage of life always included a lot of other roles and goals for women. Try to respect and honor the loving relationship you had with your grandson and move on gracefully to the next phase of your life.

snowberryZ Mon 11-Apr-22 13:40:15

Maybe it’s now time for you to develop more interests of your own. I don’t think it’s healthy to make your family responsible for your happiness

This 100%
Its not a good idea to make your grandchildren your whole life.
There's a whole world out there that doesn't revolve around grandchildren.
Theres Travel.
Days out with friends for coffee/lunch/drinks.
Join as many things as you can and your friendship group as well as your world will soon widen up.

I have friends who were looking forward to retirement only to have nearly all their free time taken up with babysitting and school runs etc. I feel a bit sorry for them really.
It's a time of life when they should have more freedom, yet once again they find themselves tied down by children.

Fleur20 Mon 11-Apr-22 14:26:58

Find a subject that could feasibly become a new interest for you, find an angle on that, that he knows about/appeals to him and ask your grandson to join you for lunch as you need some advice.
Then you have something new to talk about, you are giving him the opportunity to give his opinion and you can spend time together having a lovely meal just the two of you. Nothing too posh or intimidating for him but a modern relaxed menu.
Other than that, DO find a new interest, maybe something outside your comfort zone that will surprise both the family and yourself!!
Good Luck!

M0nica Mon 11-Apr-22 15:25:31

I bet your grandson has been battling with his mother for the last 18 months about not needing to be minded during the holidays. She set the target at 15 - and that day has arrived.

Your DGS is growing up, learning to be independent and manage for himself, he really does not want his granmother dropping round to see if he is alright.

Life is a succession of changes of needs and no needs. Think back to your own childhood and your chlldrens, you and they all went through it. Did you really not realise yourself that he was coming to an age where holiday care was no longer needed and that he would run his own life?

There is nothing anyof us can do about these stages, we are all getting older at exactly the same rate, whether we are 8, 18 or 80. So greet the necst stage of your life with enthusiasm, consoder what you are going to do with all this extra time and look forward to the future.

BlueBelle Mon 11-Apr-22 15:43:52

Of course it s not wasted years it’s built up memories that he ll remember when he’s a big man
I remember when my granddaughter was about that age and was going up to the city to meet her friends I was going for a trip out so we travelled on the bus together She said towards the end of the ride ‘ no disrespect Nan but please don’t come any further with me when we get off the bus’ I said ok ….during my trip round the shops I happened to walk past her and her group of friends, she looked the other way, I found it quite funny and was sure I would have done the same thing
Her older brother however is the exact opposite he would have seen me and given me a hug and probably hugged any friend I was out with too ha ha