Gransnet forums


why don't they call to see how we are?

(67 Posts)
flopen Fri 22-Apr-22 12:46:31

My husband and I have had covid. Not seriously, for the tiredness and brain fog are going on and on.
Normally we have an active life, with plenty going on, and this has all been stripped away.
The thing is, none of our children have called us this week to see how we are, which I find upsetting. And I'm not sure how to address it.
I suppose it's partly because I've been determined not to follow my mother's demanding style of parenting. So I'm calling my mum every day, and I don't hear a thing from my children. Which doesn't seem fair.

Elizabeth27 Fri 22-Apr-22 13:09:30

It is very difficult to accept that someone we love does not care about us. I would not address it at all, they are not going to say that they do not care but will probably just come up with excuses of being too busy or not realising you needed a call.

It is not a case of what is fair, if they genuinely cared about you they would have called.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

Shandy57 Fri 22-Apr-22 13:11:48

Sorry they haven't phoned but I remember my Mum being upset I hadn't phoned her. As you are out of danger and are just tired, they are probably relieved and just really busy with work/kids etc.

I have the 9 pm contact cut off rule here, any later and it's a dire emergency. What is your cut off time? They might not sit down to relax until then, and it's too late to phone.

Smileless2012 Fri 22-Apr-22 13:12:56

No, it isn't fair flopen but there's nothing you can do about it except not let them know that you're upset; that you care.

I hope you both feel better soonflowers.

MissAdventure Fri 22-Apr-22 13:16:10

I would think that it just hasn't crossed their minds that you're struggling, particularly if you've always been so capable and independent up until now.

Shelmiss Fri 22-Apr-22 13:19:01


It is very difficult to accept that someone we love does not care about us. I would not address it at all, they are not going to say that they do not care but will probably just come up with excuses of being too busy or not realising you needed a call.

It is not a case of what is fair, if they genuinely cared about you they would have called.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

Wow that’s a bit harsh Elizabeth27!

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 22-Apr-22 13:49:36

I have a feeling you might be going to follow your mother’s style of parenting. Don’t. Your children have their own lives and you haven’t been very ill. Saying ‘it isn’t fair’ is rather childish don’t you think?

glammanana Fri 22-Apr-22 13:49:44

Its a hard one when you don't hear from them isn't it ? One of mine rings every day and one calls in every week with my DGD for a couple of hours they both have full time jobs so time is tight for them.
However my youngest hardly ever phones and will just turn up unannounced and expects me to be in, if I am not at home I then get a phone call asking where I was and I have to tell him that my life does not revolve around him popping in when he can.maybe your family have phoned and you have not been home when they called can you not ring them and ask how they are ?

Thoro Fri 22-Apr-22 13:53:39

Be happy you’ve raised independent kids and call/message them to let them know how you are.
It’s certainly not that they don’t genuinely care!

buffyfly9 Fri 22-Apr-22 13:55:51

I think flopen that your very admirable independence is the reason that your children have not rung you. My husband and I are the same, we sort our problems out ourselves having decided never to burden our daughter with our concerns. As an example I was just making a comment about how I couldn't dig in the garden any more as we were both in our late seventies and she said "oh my God, I keep thinking you are in your sixties because you don't act like people of 78!! I think the saying " hoist with our own petard" comes to mind and is probably why they feel free to get on with their lives because "you are ok" smile

silverlining48 Fri 22-Apr-22 13:58:34

Flopen. Sorry you have been unwell. It is disappointing and I do nderstand it’s hard when our dc don’t contact us as much as we would, like especially if it’s something you have always done fir your mum.
They are always so busy these days, just as we were, but is it so hard to find a quick 5 minutes, after all they can spend hours flipping, swiping whatever it’s called, on their devices.
Don’t be downhearted. You are not alone. flowers

Elizabeth27 Fri 22-Apr-22 14:00:37

I do apologise, having re-read my post it does come across as harsh. I suppose I judge by someone’s actions and tend not to sugarcoat situations.

aonk Fri 22-Apr-22 14:05:20

I know how you feel. I recently mentioned very nicely to my DD1 that I hadn’t heard much from her. She gave me a list of everything she has on her plate at the moment and I realised how busy and stressful her life is. I wasn’t aware of all the issues. We compromised on short messages every couple of days as the best way of keeping in touch. I thought I was busy when I was a mum with children and a job but she really does have a lot on her plate.

nadateturbe Fri 22-Apr-22 14:13:16

flopen I don't think you were harsh. I too feel my children could care more, but what can you do?
I don't want to hear excuses for it. They're too busy, we're too demanding, have their own lives. I was busy, working, had my own life, but still found time for my mum. I'm not demanding. I have my own life. And I don't complain. I've been quite ill but they don't seem to take it on board. They rarely visit.
As I say, disappointing.

silverlining48 Fri 22-Apr-22 14:13:30

Oh aonk those lists which always include the obvious basic things which we all take fir granted that have to be done which makes the list longer.

Serendipity22 Fri 22-Apr-22 14:16:51

Hi there, sorry you have Covid, it affects those who have had it, or have it now, differently, I think that because you have instilled in your children that you are not going to follow your mums footsteps, they are probably only acting the way they have been lead to believe.

They will care very much, you and your husband are their mum and dad, but they will know its not serious and not necessary to be ringing up, checking.

MerylStreep Fri 22-Apr-22 14:31:08

It wouldn’t cross my mind to tell my daughters that I was unwell unless it cropped up in conversation.
If on the occasion I did mention it they would assume that I’d be up and running in a few days.
But I know they care and what busy lives they have.

Sara1954 Fri 22-Apr-22 14:41:15

You are clearly not in any danger, would you expect them to keep calling if you had a bad cold?

Madgran77 Fri 22-Apr-22 14:53:41

I would text them/ring them, ask them how they are and tell them how you are as part of the conversation. I would not mention them not calling. It is hard when you don't hear, I empathise with your feelings flowers

silverlining48 Fri 22-Apr-22 14:53:49

Not keep calling but one quick call to check is all that’s asked.

All of us have different family relationships. My neighbour sees her dd every day, Others see theirs a lot more and others less.

If you don’t see a lot of family ( and wish you did) and have been ill it’s surely not too much to wish for just a quick call to check that you are ok,

Shelflife Fri 22-Apr-22 14:57:51

flopen, I think our adult children forget we are ageing. They still view us as capable , well and dependable. It may be a harsh reality for them to acknowledge/ accept we are getting older!! Contact them and have a catch up with them . Good luck .

Gin Fri 22-Apr-22 15:10:59

If you have always been an independent couple and never asked for help, they do not think anything has change despite the years passing. My three clocked in now and then, never to a regular pattern. However I ended up in hospital a few weeks ago after a nasty fall and they have been so attentive! One cooked a weeks meals, the other drove up to help out on several occasions. None live less than two hors drive from us. So I am sure they care. As a previous poster said ‘ hoisted with their own petard’!

silverlining48 Fri 22-Apr-22 15:14:59

Bottom line is if they actually want to keep in touch they can, it’s quick and so much easier than years ago.

tickingbird Fri 22-Apr-22 15:34:16

I agree with Elizabeth. Actions speak louder than words.

Baggs Fri 22-Apr-22 15:50:18

Set up a whatsapp group with all your offspring then you can tell them how you feel whether they like it or not. My guess is some of them will respond with hug emojis.