My daughter is distancing from me

You are talking about how all this affects you, think about his is affecting hermm what about letting her grow in her own way. She needs friends her own age and hopefully one day a partner. Mothers Day was only a month ago when she wrote you an emotional letter. I would try to see this mutual dependency as not really helping your daughter, quite the reverse. If she feels smothered and guilty not being in daily touch you will create more distance. I'm not sure how old she is but she sounds very young.

Ffoxglove your story is similar to mine but TG she hasn't turned away.
But the main reult is that she hasn't been able to trust relationships with men.
Until 10 years ago when she met her current partner, they're both in their 50s. I think he has similar family conflicts.
When their relationship started I was upset , irrationally, because I knew I was losing my baby.Now TG they are so close and supportive of eachother.
But I have learnd how to control my feelings , and my tongue.

Building relationships with children is very difficult sometimes. But the most important thing is to talk to your child as an equal.

A panic attack, especially the first one, is very scary. It can suddenly come out of the blue often for no discernible reason and hit you like a thunderbolt, so you totally lose control. You then become scared of having another attack and start avoiding situations which might cause another. I am wondering if this is what is happening with your dd. She is withdrawing to protect herself and avoid the trigger. Also in a way to protect you so that you can survive without her. You are not a bad mum. I think dd is right in that she needs therapy. It may be wise to stand off a bit until she gets her self assurance which has taken a knocking back.

The perfect mother hasn't been born yet.

But, nor has the perfect adult child!

Give her a bit of space, and just send a weekly chatty message.

We all get it wrong at times, but it's usually easily resolved over time. ?

Smileless2012

You are not a terribly mum Ffoxglove. We're all mums on here so know, or should do, that it's impossible to get everything right all of the time.

Try not to worry. Let her have the space that she needs. She knows that you love her and worry about her as we all worry about our children, regardless of how old they are so resist the temptation to check up on her to make sure she's OK.

You'll know if she isn't because she'll tell you.

Thank you x

You are not a terribly mum Ffoxglove. We're all mums on here so know, or should do, that it's impossible to get everything right all of the time.

Try not to worry. Let her have the space that she needs. She knows that you love her and worry about her as we all worry about our children, regardless of how old they are so resist the temptation to check up on her to make sure she's OK.

You'll know if she isn't because she'll tell you.

We all need to accept that we will die at some time and that if parent and child have a very close, almost co-dependent relationship, the effect on the AC may lead to the rest of their life being dogged by all kinds of parents.

We should bring up our children to let them go, so that they can fly.

OP

I can only go with the info given here.

Hithere

OP

You are glossing over and minimizing a lot of other issues you mentioned.

If this is how you behave with your dd, please change that asap

Victim attitude makes everything worse

Wow!
You really shouldn't judge, never once have I had the victim attitude with her in our relationship, I don't need to she was there and witnessed it all with me

Mrsluckhurst

Your not a terrible mum, Ffoxglove, she'll know you'll always be there for her but sometimes we have to distance ourselves to grow stronger and build our confidence. I'm sure things will level out, you sound very close and she won't want to lose that.

That's the hardest, we are very close. She sent me a very emotional message on mother's day, which is why I'm so surprised at recent events.

icanhandthemback

If your daughter has been talking to her friends about the situation, I can imagine that they have been telling her that she needs to stand on her own two feet, be more independent, set some boundaries, etc because that is what "normal" adults do. Sometimes it takes a little bit longer for someone to find their feet and it looks like this is the case with your daughter.
Try to reframe this in your mind a little. You won't be around forever and you no doubt want your daughter not to struggle. By accepting some distance between you, you are there if your daughter needs you but you are giving her the tools to stand on her own when she needs to. The art of being a good parent is knowing when to let your kids fly.
Our youngest son is quite happy to let us "track" him but it has always been on the understanding that he can withdraw that privilege at anytime. Occasionally, I ask him to give him the opportunity to say he finds it intrusive. Mind you, I don't actually look to see what he's up to any more. All of his friends have long since removed the facility from their phones. It is quite normal.
If you stand back a little bit now, you will reap the rewards of a decent relationship with your daughter. If you resist, you will cause a fracture that may be very painful and won't do either of you any good. If you really do love her, you'll want the best for her and her independence is for the best. Accept what she has to offer with good grace and work on letting go whilst enjoying a good life with your new partner. That way it's a win win.

Thank you, wise words...

If your daughter has been talking to her friends about the situation, I can imagine that they have been telling her that she needs to stand on her own two feet, be more independent, set some boundaries, etc because that is what "normal" adults do. Sometimes it takes a little bit longer for someone to find their feet and it looks like this is the case with your daughter.
Try to reframe this in your mind a little. You won't be around forever and you no doubt want your daughter not to struggle. By accepting some distance between you, you are there if your daughter needs you but you are giving her the tools to stand on her own when she needs to. The art of being a good parent is knowing when to let your kids fly.
Our youngest son is quite happy to let us "track" him but it has always been on the understanding that he can withdraw that privilege at anytime. Occasionally, I ask him to give him the opportunity to say he finds it intrusive. Mind you, I don't actually look to see what he's up to any more. All of his friends have long since removed the facility from their phones. It is quite normal.
If you stand back a little bit now, you will reap the rewards of a decent relationship with your daughter. If you resist, you will cause a fracture that may be very painful and won't do either of you any good. If you really do love her, you'll want the best for her and her independence is for the best. Accept what she has to offer with good grace and work on letting go whilst enjoying a good life with your new partner. That way it's a win win.

Your not a terrible mum, Ffoxglove, she'll know you'll always be there for her but sometimes we have to distance ourselves to grow stronger and build our confidence. I'm sure things will level out, you sound very close and she won't want to lose that.

You aren't a terrible mum ,sweetheart .
You've had a rough ride .
I've been there.
Let's be kind and understanding to Ffoxglove .
And stop criticising her.
It's bullying.
Godbless you .
You are in my prayers.

Ffoxglove

What about the advice you are getting is actually bothering you?

Even if, as you say, its your daughter who has been relying on you too much, why is it an issue she needs space now and doesnt want to rely on you?

Realistically you have been 50% of this relationship and as parent you have set the foundations for it too.

I think you just need to give your daughter space and allow her those boundaries.

Im afraid saying things about how much you have done for her or given up for her wont help you at all. Parenting is choosing to have children because you are ready to put them first and give up your wants for their needs. Our children dont owe us anything, we choose for our lives to grow towards children and away from other things.

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Think you need to take a step back.

Gosh, I feel like a terrible mum!!
In essence it's been her that's relied on us so I think that was the realisation for her which brought on the attack. She has needed a hell of a lot of support which we have gladly given I think she just wants to be able to manage without us in reality, hence the withdrawing.

It sounds like when she had the panic attack and could not regulate herself without you being there she has come to the realisation that your relationship is too inmeshed and co dependant.

She needs space to grow into an autonomous adult and she cannot get that from a parental relationship where there is too much communication on a daily basis.

I think the best way forward for you is to acknowledge with her that she needs space and then give her that space.

A good parent knows when to standback from a child, especcially an adult child.

You have both been through a difficult time together and I think she now feels a need to draw back for a while have a breather, reconsider all that has gone on.

Let her be, unless you want to lose her totally. Check in with her, maybe once a week, telling her a few things you have done that week and just ending with a quick query. 'How is life with you' at the end.

She will sort herself out and gradually return to you, but not so emotionally dependent on each other - and that is a good thing.

Maybe your daughter feels as if she's always the support system for everyone else?
And she's had enough?

As we get older we tend to forget that our adult children are also suffering the many stresses of life, whether that be physical or mental or both.
We can't expect them to always drop everything whenever 'we' have a problem.
They have their own lives to lead.

Sorry if this is a bit harsh.

My advice would be, concentrate and think of all the times she HAS done things for you, and I bet there have been lots, instead of focusing on the times she hasn't.
Try asking how she is.
What can you do to help 'her' ?

But first, give her some space.

I wouldn’t want anyone , be it daughter, son , sister , friend ect ect to be needing to contact me every single day …I’d find it so very stifling ….. neither would I put myself in that position that I’d need to be in contact with any of those every single day either . I lost my long term partner 3 years ago so live on my own , I have since made my own life , made new friends , have many interests & hobbies , I can stand on my own two feet & have my own opinions and are self efficient . My family and friends are proud of me and I’m proud of myself .
So , cut those apron strings , let your daughter live her life & have her freedom without her having to worry about contacting you every day, she is an adult and needs to do her own thing , and if she chooses to go out with her friends in the evenings for a fun time then let her , she sounds sensible so I’m sure she’ll be just fine .I’m sure she knows that you love her and you’ll be there for her when she needs you , just take the pressure off her and eventually she’ll come round in contacting you again .

OP

You seem very centered around how all those events affected you, but how about your dd? You talk about her like a bystander

She lost her grandparents and her aunt/uncle as well.

As for family, isn't your partner your family too?

So your daughter had an abusive father growing up, her mother divided in all these roles, you depended on her in an unhealthy manner

No wonder you all are where you are now

Cut the umbilical cord.
Your peace of mind is going to destroy your relationship if you do not get it under control