How to let go of my adult children

In the days before technology, I used to write or phone my parents once a week.

After my mother died, I began to ring my father more frequently. He was quick to tell me firmly that once a week had always been the system and that we should stick to that.

My mother is 88 and I'm 62. She wants to speak to me every day and has always done so. I resent it so I don't expect to hear from my grown up children daily.

Majorie As Chewbacca says GN is an open site, but who you are is hidden behind your user name.

You should choose an username that does not reflect anything in your life someone will recognise - pet name, grandchilds name - and anonymise anything you write. Talk about 'grandchildren', not 'Wayne and Waynetta'

As you can see on this page of this thread people refer to their children as DS (Dear Son), give ages) and give some information, but nothing that could make anyone identifiable.

My sons are 45 and 43 and stepdaughters 40 and 42. They all know we are here if needed and have our support 100 per cent . We speak every week sometime more. We have one in Largs one in Vancouver one in Derbyshire and one local . Covid has made it a very difficult time being so spread out like lots of families. We are very proud of all of them . If asked for a opinion we will give our answers then it’s up to them. I agree I think you need to make a life for yourself . If you are happy they will be

It's not secure Marjorie, it's a completely open site that anyone can access. Don't post anything that's private or confidential.

How secure is this site...I want to comment but I have people scrolling my posts..??

I remember once pointing out to my dear mother, that she shouldn't need to tell me how to do something she had already told me how to do in the past, and that she should have more confidence in her parenting, that she got it right first time.

I don't think she'd ever thought of it like that before. If you brought up your kids the right way, then trust them to live the right way. If they really do need advice, they will ask.

It’s very difficult and I only realised I was interfering when my daughters partner moved out and she didn’t tell me. When I found out through a friend, she said I would only have interfered. I felt physically sick. Up until then I hadn’t realised how my ‘advice’ was perceived. It was a big wake up call. I now try to just be supportive and as someone else has said just be there if needed.

I text or chat to my AC’s that live in the same country as me daily. My son who lives in the UK calls once a week and often sends pix of his two children. I don’t interfere. If I’m asked I may offer advice. We have a good relationship and I would miss the contacts if they didn’t happen as I live on my own since my husband died.

This2willpass,
I was just wondering if your AC know how you feel about constantly worrying about them and whether they have said anything to reassure you that they are perfectly fine.
In my case to a point it's the other way round.
I hope you can let go and start to enjoy your life.

As I said to my 40 year old daughter a couple of weeks ago ’You’ll always be my little girl’ and then I remembered that my wonderful Dad had said exactly the same to me!

I think the trick to letting them fly on their own is to listen to what they say, remind them the door will always be open to them, but tell them at times yes you will still be Mum and give them the benefit of your wisdom even if they dont follow your advice so they know it comes from a good place. Hold back though. It is their life to live. I doubt many of us here always followed our parents advice either. Its how we grow and learn to navigate our way through life .
Make time now for yourself.. Good luck.

Oh my goodness op sorry to say but it’s certainly not healthy it’s coming across as obsessional you can’t rule your AC lives like this! And you will do! Why on earth are you concerned about positions of rooms in the new home and where they will put the bins. Please please get help

i had to learn very quick to let go when my son had just turned 18, we lost his dad when he was 16, so it was just me and him, he joined the TA and then 6 months later he came home one night and said he was going to iraq for 6 months, this was at the height of the war and i was so scared, but i needed to let go, a month later he was in canada for training and then to iraq, he would call me and i would hear the bombs in the background. he grew up over there and lost some friends but he came back and since then i have been here for him for advice if he asked but i do not interfere in his life, he is 35 and has a family and i feel i do not have the right to interfere, a neighbour of mine has done what you are doing and has lost her daughter and gc because she would not keep her nose out of there families business. maybe it is time you got some help, or find something to do.

I’d hate to have to text /phone my adult DC every day . I do see my Dd every day because I live with her . I see DS1 about 3 times a week and DS2 twice a month . That’s enough for me . I have other people to see not just them ?

Welcome Jules. If you start a thread with your problem you will get a lot of people commenting I'm sure. Perhaps in the Am I Being Unreasonable forum.

As a mother you have spent years and years of giving advice and guidance. It's hard to stop. I would say work on stopping by getting yourself busy with a new direction. Find other interests.

I agree with 4allweknow.
And with the quote; "If you love someone, set them free...."

All the adviice in the world is no use because they have to do things their way make their own mistakes ,otherwise they learn nothing .
Mine both made mistakes as did I ,nothing that they couldn't fix though or get over.
Surely thats just how life is ,for all of us .We cant make their mistakes for them ,its not how it works

My four adult children are old enough to make their own decisions while 3 in 40’s and one nearing 40! We wouldn’t dream of giving them advice, they are all successful in their own fields! They know we would always be here for them 24/7 oh my word op I wouldn’t be contacting my Ac everyday! They have there own lives to lead

Sorry new to gransnet

Get more involved in your own life and there will be less time to worry about theirs.

Jules
Sorry your contribution is not appreciated

I have sadly heard it from other GN members.

Please do not lose focus of your own life - you have the right to be happy

I look after my elderly mother along with my siblings,my sisters and I do most of the care side my brother is good for practical things, only to be told to my face by my mother "I don't know how I would cope without----" to say i was upset is an understatement, has anyone else experienced this.

If I heard from my AC on a daily basis I'd be concerned I had not raised them to be independent beings. Let them go, they will respect you for it.