Gransnet forums


How to let go of my adult children

(151 Posts)
This2willpass Sun 15-May-22 11:16:06

That’s it really. I recognise that I need to let my adult children make their own decisions in life rather than me trying to persuade to take my decisions. Finding it so so hard not to interfere.

Gaga46 Mon 16-May-22 20:12:09

I text or chat to my AC’s that live in the same country as me daily. My son who lives in the UK calls once a week and often sends pix of his two children. I don’t interfere. If I’m asked I may offer advice. We have a good relationship and I would miss the contacts if they didn’t happen as I live on my own since my husband died.

Mimi1956 Mon 16-May-22 20:29:26

It’s very difficult and I only realised I was interfering when my daughters partner moved out and she didn’t tell me. When I found out through a friend, she said I would only have interfered. I felt physically sick. Up until then I hadn’t realised how my ‘advice’ was perceived. It was a big wake up call. I now try to just be supportive and as someone else has said just be there if needed.

oldmom Mon 16-May-22 21:02:32

I remember once pointing out to my dear mother, that she shouldn't need to tell me how to do something she had already told me how to do in the past, and that she should have more confidence in her parenting, that she got it right first time.

I don't think she'd ever thought of it like that before. If you brought up your kids the right way, then trust them to live the right way. If they really do need advice, they will ask.

Majorie Tue 17-May-22 00:38:49

How secure is this site...I want to comment but I have people scrolling my posts..??

Chewbacca Tue 17-May-22 00:55:37

It's not secure Marjorie, it's a completely open site that anyone can access. Don't post anything that's private or confidential.

holcombemummy60 Tue 17-May-22 07:10:56

My sons are 45 and 43 and stepdaughters 40 and 42. They all know we are here if needed and have our support 100 per cent . We speak every week sometime more. We have one in Largs one in Vancouver one in Derbyshire and one local . Covid has made it a very difficult time being so spread out like lots of families. We are very proud of all of them . If asked for a opinion we will give our answers then it’s up to them. I agree I think you need to make a life for yourself . If you are happy they will be

M0nica Tue 17-May-22 08:26:36

Majorie As Chewbacca says GN is an open site, but who you are is hidden behind your user name.

You should choose an username that does not reflect anything in your life someone will recognise - pet name, grandchilds name - and anonymise anything you write. Talk about 'grandchildren', not 'Wayne and Waynetta'

As you can see on this page of this thread people refer to their children as DS (Dear Son), give ages) and give some information, but nothing that could make anyone identifiable.

Ikiesgranma Tue 17-May-22 09:09:01

My mother is 88 and I'm 62. She wants to speak to me every day and has always done so. I resent it so I don't expect to hear from my grown up children daily.

M0nica Tue 17-May-22 14:33:18

In the days before technology, I used to write or phone my parents once a week.

After my mother died, I began to ring my father more frequently. He was quick to tell me firmly that once a week had always been the system and that we should stick to that.

Callistemon21 Tue 17-May-22 15:53:43


How secure is this site...I want to comment but I have people scrolling my posts..??

If you can read posts without logging in, Marjorie, then anyone who has access to the internet can read yours too.

Puzzled Tue 17-May-22 19:12:55

Some of what our AC did and do worries us.
But DD and SIL (Our DS died, very sadly) are adults and parents.
When we are gone they will not have us to second guess them.
(our parents were only helpful, in all sorts of ways, not dictatorial or disapproving. If they were, they kept quiet!)

GramK Tue 17-May-22 19:36:09

Wanting to get a call or text maybe just needing reassurance that you are loved. I'm babysitting for our son once a week, but dont get much other contact, I sometimes start to feel taken for granted. Sometimes when son comes to pick GS up, he will sit for a short visit, and sometimes we or they suggest dinner together, which is nice. I know they are busy with work and friends and the GS, but sometimes I want to hear whats going on in his life. But now that covid confinement is lifted, my life is more active and I don't think about it as much. They always celebrate mother's and fathers day with all 4 grandparents nd birthdays and alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas between us and the inlaws.

timetogo2016 Thu 19-May-22 10:06:02

Exactly Teacheranne,i could have written your post except for your loss,so sorry to read that.

This2willpass Thu 19-May-22 15:37:22

Thanks for all your replies. I am very grateful wish I’d thought about this before.

Hithere Thu 19-May-22 16:11:53


When is your first appointment? Any progress with your GP?

This2willpass Thu 19-May-22 18:03:01

I have already been in touch with gp. Been given antidepressants to help with my sleep. I am now going to the opposite extreme by not contacting my daughter. She has just said there is a middle ground.

Hithere Thu 19-May-22 18:22:54

Good progress! I am cheering for you

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 19-May-22 18:32:30

Well done! Yes there is a middle ground, don't stop contact altogether. I'm so pleased you're making progress.

M0nica Thu 19-May-22 22:40:46

But how pleased your DD must be that you were prepared to take on the fact that you had a problem and were prepared to do something about it. Well done.

MissAdventure Thu 19-May-22 22:51:39

It's really satisfying when someone takes on well intentioned advice and puts it into action.

I really admire people who are able to take it on the chin without getting defensive like I would

Grannie06 Sun 22-May-22 20:06:52

Finding it very hard as my son and family are moving to another County after living round the corner for the past two years.

Luckygirl3 Sun 22-May-22 20:35:50

To be honest I have never found it a problem. They are grown-ups; they make their own decisions; I give advice when asked.

M0nica Mon 23-May-22 19:36:15

Grannie06 anyone loosing family moving from that close to that far away, would not be human if they did not find the parting very very difficult. Of course, you will feel really sad.

There is being part of someone's life because they are so close and there is constantly interfering in our adult children's lives whether they want us to or not. and you are in the first group not the second [flowers} flowers

Shinamae Wed 25-May-22 17:01:53

This has been so very,very helpful to ME so thank you for all your advice, I really needed to hear it…

silverlining48 Fri 22-Jul-22 18:01:01

Grannie Another county is better than another country. Of course its difficult but once you factor flights in it stops any last minute ' spontaneous visits. Be brave. flowers