Children identifying as non binary can lead to tricky situations

Cabbie exactly, if they arent happy wearing either?

Maybe a trouser suit in a ‘bridesmaid’ type colour?

Or is non binary (in this situation) just that they don’t want to wear a dress?
Definition of Non Binary is that they don’t identify as either male or female. But they surely must wear something that we would recognise as either male or female wear? its a complex subject that really throws up problems in formal situations.

Obviously we grans can discuss it as long as we like but in the end it is the bride and the 13 year old who will have to decide. My 17 yr old granddaughter never wears anything girlie, and cringes when she sees a photo of herself in a bridesmaid’s dress when younger, but that does not mean she is non binary. I think it would be best if as little fuss as possible is made, and a solution found quickly.

. . . it's ridiculous that someone should feel they must call themself non-binary just because they don't want to fit into the stereotypes associated with their sex.

I couldn't agree more, FarNorth, but unfortunately the trans rights lobby have made this way of thinking all too common. The way that they have reintroduced gender stereotypes is very worrying.

As far as the wedding is concerned, I am less sure than most that there is a 'should' or 'must' about it. Some weddings are very formal affairs and others much less so, but everything for a cathedral with full choir to a woodland ceremony with guests in jeans is equally valid if the bride and groom are happy - it is their day. Is there room for negotiation between the bride and the child? If so, that's great, but if not, IMO, the final decision rests with the bride, and it's nobody else's business.

I would have put them in a suit with a shirt/top matching the flower girls dresses. And flower in the lapel to match.
Would look very nice. I think weddings these days are far too over the top and more about a wedding magazine style photo documentary, than the family that they will be joining/creating.
Mine was at the local church and a small reception after. I loved my day and felt like a Princess regardless that it didn’t cost a kings ransoms.

One of my GDs wore a light coloured jumpsuit for her bridesmaids outfit ( her choice) she looked great she’s not non binary just not the girly type, that might suit ?

Your GC may or may not be non binary, only time will tell!

There really is no such thing as a person who doesn't have a sex of female or male. There are, of course, people who don't want to follow stereotypes.

This isn't about sex farnorth
I think it's easily resolved with a conversation.

Good luck to the whole family and best wishes to the bride and groom.

Indeed NotSpaghetti it shouldn't be but 'non-binary' is in the title and is being referred to by some posters as if it is a real thing.

I have already said the bride and the girl should be able to reach a compromise without talk of wearing a 'uniform' as some have suggested.

As I’m sure most of us are aware by now non-binary refers to gender, not sex. There have been many discussions about this on Gransnet and I have no wish to hijack this thread. If people want to discuss it perhaps they should start another thread.

didigran you sound like a very caring and supportive mother and grandmother, and I’m sure with goodwill an acceptable solution will be found.

There are lots of bridesmaids jumpsuits around which your granddaughter may feel more comfortable with.If you Google bridesmaid jumpsuits there are a lot of options.

So, the sisters and sisters-in-law will also be in bridesmaids’ dresses? Why can’t this young lady wear what the nephews are wearing?

I will remain ' silent ' now !!!!

At 13 they should be treated with a little bit more respect when being brave enough to “ come out” as non binary.
There is so very much awful trouble with youngsters and mental health these days that it really would be better to let them find themselves instead of insisting we all know best or better.
They will not be wanting to spoil anybody’s big day at 13 they would rather hide in a corner probably but it’s probably pretty massive not wanting to be a girl and wear a girly dress.

This is not about being non binary at all (not trans discussion again please)
This is a non issue, made way bigger by a bridezilla

It is about a person who was picked to be in the wedding party - and wants to belong there- and is very unhappy with the stereotyping based on gender.
What is tasteful for one person it is hideous by another.

I am a heterosexual woman and I am horrified by some costumes people "should wear for the sake of social customs"

It depends what the wedding is about - perfect pictures that will last a lifetime and risk a rift in the family that is preventable
or
have your family and friends supporting you and celebrating with you

Personally, I think weddings are overblown and while it is the couples' day, I wouldnt risk make anybody uncomfortable when there are perfectly good non drama solutions out there (the suit is a great idea)

I feel so bad for the 13 year old and I admire her for knowing what she wants

FarNorth

Indeed NotSpaghetti it shouldn't be but 'non-binary' is in the title and is being referred to by some posters as if it is a real thing.

I have already said the bride and the girl should be able to reach a compromise without talk of wearing a 'uniform' as some have suggested.

Non-binary is very much a 'real thing', whether you think it is or not. But that's not the issue here - a number of posters have come up with suggestions which would provide a reasonable compromise and allow all parties to enjoy the day.

I think the non binary could be a bit of an issue if the 13 year old is being asked to wear a dress.

They are if they want to be a bridesmaid.

The thing is, the role of a bridesmaid is a very 'gendered' one, isn't it? How can you be a bridesmaid and not identify as female? A sensible compromise would be to find a different role for the girl - if there are other bridesmaids she could be a bridesmaids' assistant/co-ordinator/manager, and if not she could be a bride's aide, which could mean anything and have its own dress code.

It doesn't have to be about gender/non binary even.

Not all cis feminine identifying girls wear dresses. It isn't a big deal.

The wedding should be about what the bride and groom want it to be about. If a special outfit is designed for one teenager, it should be for all of them or none of them. This teenager doesn't have to wear a dress, nobody is going to make them. It would have been nice if they had been willing to wear dress in order to please the bride, but if not, that's fine, just don't be a bridesmaid. This day is for the bride and groom, no one else.

I'm not getting involved with 'cis feminine identifying' nonsense, but the role of a bridesmaid is (according to OED) 'a girl or woman, usually one of several, who accompanies a bride on her wedding day'.

No, she doesn't have to wear a dress, but the role is a female one. If the bride wants a male attendant, fine - but he won't be a bridesmaid. If this child doesn't identify as female, and doesn't want a dress, why not just re-frame the role and save any fuss?

I'm with Dogsmother and Hithere - given that s/he is 13, they could be involved in a discussion about a possible outfit - not dictating it! but involved.

As to the appearance of the wedding photos - it's not formation dancing or synchronized swimming, everyone doesn't have to match.

"As to the appearance of the wedding photos - it's not formation dancing or synchronized swimming, everyone doesn't have to match."

But if the bride and groom would like them to match?

It's up to the bride what she chooses, and up to others whether they want to be part of it or not.
The wedding is for the bride, who, presumably is paying for it.

It sounds like a big wedding party.
Sisters, sisters in law, nephews, nieces……