husband doesn't want me to see as much of my family

SunshineSally

Nana100 - you have my sympathy. He sounds very controlling and jealous of your past life. The fact that you not only have a close relationship with your children and grandchildren, but are also able to see your ex makes me wonder whether he had an acrimonious divorce and is worried you may leave him - or whether he’s just a selfish man who doesn’t intend to share you with anyone else. Of course your children want their mum and dad at family events. Your husband needs to accept that and make an effort rather than putting you in such an impossible situation. He’s basically making you choose - and that’s not fair to you or your children. If it were me in your position then I’d be giving him an ultimatum - to make more of an effort or our marriage is over. From what you’ve written, your relationship sounds very one-sided. He shouldn’t be making you choose and should seek some counselling for his jealousy and controlling behaviours. Good luck Nana100 - I wish you well ?

I agree and wanted to add well done to all of your family for including ex partners in the family relationships. Last summer my family went on a camping holiday to Cumbria. Two children, 5 grandchildren, two natural grandparents together with their current partners. It’s by far the best solution for these new family setups, imo.

In your situation, I’d be checking out the legal situation and (nasty phrase) getting my ducks in a row. I had a previous relationship along the lines of your current one. I just wouldn’t go along with being isolated from my family. I finally left after almost destroying my mental health through anxiety and worry about ‘doing the right thing’. Eventually I saw the manipulation for what it was and all the promises of change that never happened.

You and your family need each other. Don’t allow your husband to do anymore damage.

I've got a slightly different perspective.

I don't get on with my bloke's family. We've been together a fair number of years and there is a history of them taking over and not acting fairly towards me. So I don't like spending time with them. I'm not rude if I see them, but I don't go to events with them. I tolerate his children, but again, some of their behaviour has been out of order and I avoid time with them where I can.

However, I wouldn't dream of telling him not to see them. Ever. They're his family and he loves them. He frequently spends Christmas at his ex-wife's house, because his children are there, or attends events she puts on for the same reason.

He does spend a lot of time with my grandson, because I'm his full-time childcare. He doesn't mind this, but I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to, because DGS is very hard work!

I'd tell him you don't expect him to spend time with your family if he doesn't want to, and that you won't dictate to him about his family. But that he doesn't get to make your choices for you.

Grumpy old man comes to mind !!! Controlling, manipulative among others come to mind ... your children are your flesh & blood ... they will come first in my opinion ... like one person has already said ... if you don't have anything or much to do with your own, if anything happens you will have no family, if you didn't want to know them before, why should they want to know you then ... harsh as it seems ... you need to go with your heart ❤️ ... stick with your children ... to me personally seems like he doesn't like anyone especially your side of your family ... also if you put your hubby first now, how will his children be to you if anything happens to him ... put things in perspective ....saying that ... all the best in what you decide to do

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Wow ..this chap needs to get over it ..this is your family and nothing and no one should ever come between you ..especially when you say they moved to be near you ..Possesive /jealous ? Whatever it is ...its not nice ..dont break away from Kin x

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. He needs to accept the fact that you have children and grandchildren and they are as big a part of your life as he is. You say that he wants social time with you and friends.......his choice, he doesn't want you seeing your ex........his choice, he doesn't want your grandkids having a sleepover............his choice, he doesn't want a life centred around family.........his choice. He is a control freak.

Look at this from another perspective; you go along with his choices and don't have anything to do with family thus alienating yourself.............then, something happens and he is no longer around leaving you completely alone, not only are you grieving for him but you have little or no contact with family. Has he ever considered that possible scenario? Probably not.

Time for some tough talking, I don't doubt that you love him dearly but he must accept you for who you are, a Mum and a grandmother. You deserve better than how he is treating you. I wish you well in finding a resolution for this but I know where my allegiance would lie; family first.

Frankly I would be preparing to leave him. Counselling won’t work. He has shown you who he is and it is unreasonable and unacceptable for you to have to live that way.

Sorry, yes he is controlling. I wouldn’t put up with it. He either has a massive chip on his shoulder or he’s simply not a very nice man.

Hi, your girlfriends are absolutely right, he is controlling, dreadfully controlling and unkind! I don’t know how you can live like this going forward. He’s made his position quite clear, I suspect there is no changing that. What’s the future here, you stopping or limiting time spent with your children and grandchildren just to keep the peace, to keep him happy? And once he’s got his way over the family thing, I wonder what the next issue will be in order to subtly/or not so subtly control your freedom. If you have to see less of your loved ones in order to keep the peace, the price I think is too high. Good luck.

Nana100 - you have my sympathy. He sounds very controlling and jealous of your past life. The fact that you not only have a close relationship with your children and grandchildren, but are also able to see your ex makes me wonder whether he had an acrimonious divorce and is worried you may leave him - or whether he’s just a selfish man who doesn’t intend to share you with anyone else. Of course your children want their mum and dad at family events. Your husband needs to accept that and make an effort rather than putting you in such an impossible situation. He’s basically making you choose - and that’s not fair to you or your children. If it were me in your position then I’d be giving him an ultimatum - to make more of an effort or our marriage is over. From what you’ve written, your relationship sounds very one-sided. He shouldn’t be making you choose and should seek some counselling for his jealousy and controlling behaviours. Good luck Nana100 - I wish you well ?