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I’ve been married to an amazing fella for 15 years and we are very happy indeed. 2 lovely kids, financial stability etc
my inlaws really hate me and I am getting increasingly distressed by it. It makes me feel so worthless than an entire family dislikes me because I’m not daft enough to overlook that it might be my fault. I actually feel quite bullied.
For a long time, I picked up on snide remarks and just general bitchy comments but ignored and continued to make them welcome. I’m a warm and sociable person by nature and love having family around for dinner we. And for years I would, like most DIL, be the one to instigate family get togethers etc. I slowly realised that in the company of their friends and other family members, that they would ignore me and exchange glances. I felt completely ignored at her 70th for example then at my sons holy communion the following year. I mean, none of them spoke to me at all. I’d spent days preparing a cracking banquet.
My FIL has documented mental health issues/ he is chronically angry, depressed, Bitter and aggressive. My MIL has a really awful time with him I think but that would never be acknowledged…. I think they prob sky spend too much time together alone and speculating about everybody around them. She’s spineless and bitchy but before the scales fell from my eyes, I always thought we got on quite well. I have a very good relationship with my mum and know how to get on with people in that age group. Plus she has no daughters. Both of her other sons have had significant problems- one is in an absolutely abusive relationship and the other is divorced v acrimoniously. We are happy: why don’t that enough! I’m a good wife and mum, I know I am.
We can’t speak to them - even my husband who is the golden boy lawyer son - you would have thought therefore good at dealing with awkward people can’t speak to them because it ends in FIL going on about his mental health.
I stopped having anything to do with them three years ago when FIL started roaring and shouting at my autistic son and then a few weeks later accused me of all sorts of paranoid nonsense: it absolutely kills me: I am from a highly dysfunctional family and harmony is important to me - I need to be liked in a family context and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. I know that sound v needy - I’m not openly needy at all, I’m confident and assertive but really feel so defeated by this. Please help.
Yeah she told me all about my SIL’s sexual abuse experiences before I’d ever even met her. I was completely horrified and never confided in her anything that I wouldn’t be happy shared with the world. That’s awful
Isn’t it!
My husband is very upset about this rift.
Think he was quite happy being blind and a bit dismissive before he really started to see how they are with me. He was near tears at the weekend. They’re really causing him a lot of hurt.
It was my late FIL who didn't want his son to marry me .He told me as soon as we got engaged.I was the "wrong religion" .
He used to walk out of rooms when I went in for years .
He told me if I took his son I had to take his religion .
After speaking to my parents about it (they had a mixed religion marriage) they said it mattered not a jot to them where we got married as long as we were happy .We got married in his church ,that he hadn't attended since he was about 13 ,but FIL came and smiled for the cameras.
He adored our daughter and she spent a lot of time with him at the farm,weekends and weeks during the summer and although he was always cool with me, as long as my kids were happy I madethe effort to keep them close .MIL was always a joy and that helped.
Not long before he died ,when we'd been married near 40 years he told me he couldn't have picked a better wife for his son .I cried .
Was it worth putting up with him,his attempts to make everything I said wrong ,his refusing to atend my first GS's christening in a catholic church (he went in the end through family pressure) yes I believe it was .My OH had his dad and my kids and GC had a grandfather who they loved .
If you can ignore him or avoid him and let his son and GC build relationshps with them that would be best for them .I know its hard to step away but let your OH deal with them and the yelling etc and have some nice quiet time without the hassle
Sorry your so called DJ failed you so bad - still not protecting you from his parents and putting you and his kids first
You also have an issue - going back to fake congenial relationship with them is a delusional idea.
I hope that as parents, you realize your kids come first and do so
Where you have gone wrong, Elisheva, is you don't understand or admit you are more adult than the others. You, not the others, can see something is wrong and try to sort it. This does not imply you can sort it, and maybe you will have to leave them all to their erring judgments.
I guess what is holding you back is your perceived need for a happy extended family. Apart from that, you seem to have done astonishingly well in the circumstances .
I doubt if you can sort them all out but maybe if you can distance yourself but leave the social door open for an initiative from one of them that would be the best bet.
Elisheva asked What did you do about it? Did your husband ever tackle them?
He did indeed. One day when the children had been staying with MIL & FIL for the weekend, we were met with a tirade of verbal abuse when we went to collect them. This was directed to my DH but was all complaints about things I had allegedly done or failed to do. e.g. I had failed to send any 'pretty' clothes, or sun hats - Only shorts, Tshirts, etc. so MIL had had to buy some dresses for them before they were fit to be seen by her neighbours, had not 'trained' them to be happy to share a bed. nor to clean their plates at every meal, ect. There had apparently been tears and tantrums at bed times - again this was 'my' fault. This was all said in front of the DDs.
My DH put his arms around me & the girls and told his mother that 'this is my family and I will not let you or any person decry them and upset them in any way.' Then he picked up the youngest grabbed their bags and we all walked out. Later FIL begged us not to cut them off and contact was resumed but mostly between DH & the Girls with me being 'busy elsewhere'
Yes I think my husband needs to employ the nuclear option, granny23.
Bullies carry on because they don’t get challenged
I suppose an inlaws, we fall between being colleagues and family members really. It’s a pity that there are so many of you on my shoes and I really appreciate your responses.
Am at work but will read and reply properly later. Thank yoi ❤️
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