Son and family moving to Australia

I cry when I see him for the first time and when we say goodbye and he says he wouldn't have it any other way.

PS Bluebell. I cry when they arrive. My son says 'you are supposed to cry well we leave!'

Hi. My son has lived in the USA since 2000, going there to study. He said you told me to go and see the world. I replied yes, but I thought you would come back. He spent a year in Australia before the US.
He has a lovely life, great job. It was hard at the beginning for us as he had no family there. Now we have accepted it and we visit each other when we can. Technology makes it easy now too.
My advice would be, be honest, tell them how you feel, which is understandable, but you want a good life for them, which they probably will have.
Also sometimes people go, realise its not for them and come back. Although that may not happen.
I miss my son, after over 20 years, I often wish he was here. Then I see the life and opportunities he has and am happy for him.

Reading here has helped me a lot. I hope I will be able to get my DH to read the responses too....

Thank you all

So true BlueBelle - we all cry buckets at some point.
For me, it's usually when they go home after a visit.

Definitely tell your son it was just the shock reaction and then you paint a smile on your face and wish them well in their new adventure
27 years ago my son and long term girlfriend went out to NZ to have a ‘look around’ and see how it was, her parents were there and I knew they wouldn’t come back, they didn’t,
I saw them off with a great big smile plastered on my face then got home, got in the shower and cried a bucket probably ten buckets
I went out to their wedding in Bali and have visited about 6 times since Its a lovely place they have the life of Riley but I am always so pleased to get home and wouldn’t want to live there we talk every week on the phone I m now top end of
70 s and not at all sure I l go out again 27/28 hours travelling is getting toonmuch I have two grandchildren who have their other Nan and grandad round the corner
It’s a privilege if you have nearby grandkids if you don’t you learn to make the most of it They are up and away in the blink of an eye, anyway wherever they live

Phillipa you have done really well to take on board all the suggestions and it will all be ok be happy for them and like me cry your buckets in private (I still do sometimes in fact I am now?)

Your son knows the pain this move is causing you but I feel you now need to be totally upbeat about this.
You must not put him in a position where in supporting his wife and family he is constantly faced with your disappointment and your husband's distress.

We raise our children to be bold, intrepid, and resilient and should try to be positive when they take wing and fly.

Some of us remember being that young parent - travelling half way round the world for opportunities not available on home turf. I for one am acutely grateful to my mother and father who never once made me feel bad about this decision.
I was aware of the magnitude of what I was taking away from them as an only child myself and clearly this makes the decision harder so I didn't need reminding of it.

My kind, generous, selfless parents loved me so completely that my happiness was theirs.
I know now, having had two of my 5 adult children move abroad that there is a hole in a parent's heart that doesn't quite heal but it is survivable. I want my children's families to have the best life. I can "suck this up" be grateful that they are looking forward to a happier future and striving for a better life.

As to the situation which you say is "out of the blue" - I wonder how true this really is when uou examine your heart? When my son started seriously dating an American, even though he lived in Oxford at the time, it was definitely something that would pop into my head now and again.
Now he has been gone 10 years and is surprisingly, talking about how they might possibly come to live in the UK for a while.

We also came back as it happened.
Even when things seem final, those of us who make this big leap are able to make a big move more than once if it seems a better option.

Not suggesting you cling to this as a comfort blanket, but it does happen.

I always feel really sorry for parents whose children emigrate. One of my sons has just been away for three months and that was bad enough. I suppose we just have to accept it and move forwards. It's better to stay on good terms even though they will be at a distance, than to lose their friendship and goodwill.
Today's communications make it easier to keep in touch.
And maybe start saving for your first trip over there. Australia is a wonderful country. Your husband will change his mind,, no doubt? Hopefully. Good wishes.

Thank you, Urmstongran. Indeed, the shock!

p.s. sorry - I didn’t make it clear - she changed her mind!
No input from me, I stayed supportive throughout.

Dilly, thanks so much, this is brilliant: "I would say to your son, I’m sorry I reacted the way they I did, but it was shock in the moment, I’m your mum and I had an idea of how our lives and yours would be and this changes that, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad, just different and I will adjust to it with time."
Exactly spot on.
Thanks for your support everyone, this is helping more than you can imagine

Oh P60 I can only imagine your turmoil. Years ago, our youngest daughter and son in law considered Oz. She researched it and had enough points or whatever for them to go as she is a teacher. Our grandson was then 2y old. He’s 10y old now with a 5y old sister. Whilst she was looking into it I found I was quite sanguine about the prospect. Yes, I’d miss her terribly (we are very close) but then I had to acknowledge it was her life and her choices.

I think the shock of it all, especially as so recently they were buying a house, has pulled the rug from under your feet in the short term. Time will soften the blow to some degree. Our brains then feel the benefit of being wrapped in virtual cotton wool and our emotions calm down I think.

All the best from me to you ALL going forward.

I completely emphasise my son and dil moved just before the pandemic hit and I reacted very very very badly also. (My gc was born abroad). I highly recommend finding a therapist to talk this through with, because I really damaged my relationship with my son and dil, but repaired it thankfully and I’ve made my peace with their move.

Honestly even though I miss them most painfully, the pandemic, Brexit and the rest I’m glad they moved now, their quality of life is so high, they are so active and enjoy the great outdoors.

My advice is to get your husband to pull his head in and not to make manipulative comments to them (I was very guilty of this myself) for example saying he won’t visit etc, and I would say to your son, I’m sorry I reacted the way they I did, but it was shock in the moment, I’m your mum and I had an idea of how our lives and yours would be and this changes that, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad, just different and I will adjust to it with time.

Be happy for them and ask questions about where they will be living and what they look forward to most etc.
WhatsApp is a great thing, I talk to my son more than I ever did when he lived in the same city as me.

When they do move, send care packages, with his and hers favourite U.K. treats, these are always very popular,

I am now feeling really guilty for dumping my emotional response on my son (I was really sobbing...) but in my defense I claim the complete shock as well as being unwell (I am suffering from Covid - day 11 and still feeling lousy)

Thank you, Smileless and Mandrake. Luckily we can afford the trip and I for sure will go (we've been before and love the country...!).
Thanks for the empathy and kindness. I totally agree that we need to allow ourselves this sadness but at the same time I really want us to move beyond it as quickly as possible, for their sakes as well as for ours.
In that respect I am more worried about DH's ability to re-group than mine...

Great advice Mandrake,couldn`t have put it better myself.
And P60,be happy for them,you don`t want them to go with a sad heart.

I think the first step is accepting that you will go through a period of grieving when your children move so far away. Allow those feelings then think of all the ways you can stay in touch. Video chat, letters, email. There are so many ways to have a relationship now. It's not quite the same but we work with what we've got.

Why wouldn't you ever visit Australia? I know some couldn't afford it or wouldn't have the health to visit a distance away. If you've never been, it could be a good chance to have a new experience. Maybe planning for when you might visit will help, as it will give you something to look forward to?

Hi*P60*. It's devastating when you get the news. I used to watch 'Wanted down under' and never dreamed it would happen to us.

It must be difficult with your H suffering from depression and being unable to cope with the news but presumably your son and d.i.l. are aware of his illness, so this may not be unexpected.

Just be honest. Be supportive and engage in their plans for the future. A beautiful home in a beautiful country. Despite what your H's said about not flying all that way (we didn't think we'd do it either, but have 4 times), talk about the wonderful holidays you'll have when you go to see them.

Put on a brave face, but don't feel you have to wear it all the time. You're his mum. You love him and you're going to miss him more than words could ever express. It's OK to have mixed feelings and for some of those feelings to be sad .