Son and family moving to Australia

Hi*P60*. It's devastating when you get the news. I used to watch 'Wanted down under' and never dreamed it would happen to us.

It must be difficult with your H suffering from depression and being unable to cope with the news but presumably your son and d.i.l. are aware of his illness, so this may not be unexpected.

Just be honest. Be supportive and engage in their plans for the future. A beautiful home in a beautiful country. Despite what your H's said about not flying all that way (we didn't think we'd do it either, but have 4 times), talk about the wonderful holidays you'll have when you go to see them.

Put on a brave face, but don't feel you have to wear it all the time. You're his mum. You love him and you're going to miss him more than words could ever express. It's OK to have mixed feelings and for some of those feelings to be sad .

I think the first step is accepting that you will go through a period of grieving when your children move so far away. Allow those feelings then think of all the ways you can stay in touch. Video chat, letters, email. There are so many ways to have a relationship now. It's not quite the same but we work with what we've got.

Why wouldn't you ever visit Australia? I know some couldn't afford it or wouldn't have the health to visit a distance away. If you've never been, it could be a good chance to have a new experience. Maybe planning for when you might visit will help, as it will give you something to look forward to?

Great advice Mandrake,couldn`t have put it better myself.
And P60,be happy for them,you don`t want them to go with a sad heart.

Thank you, Smileless and Mandrake. Luckily we can afford the trip and I for sure will go (we've been before and love the country...!).
Thanks for the empathy and kindness. I totally agree that we need to allow ourselves this sadness but at the same time I really want us to move beyond it as quickly as possible, for their sakes as well as for ours.
In that respect I am more worried about DH's ability to re-group than mine...

I am now feeling really guilty for dumping my emotional response on my son (I was really sobbing...) but in my defense I claim the complete shock as well as being unwell (I am suffering from Covid - day 11 and still feeling lousy)

I completely emphasise my son and dil moved just before the pandemic hit and I reacted very very very badly also. (My gc was born abroad). I highly recommend finding a therapist to talk this through with, because I really damaged my relationship with my son and dil, but repaired it thankfully and I’ve made my peace with their move.

Honestly even though I miss them most painfully, the pandemic, Brexit and the rest I’m glad they moved now, their quality of life is so high, they are so active and enjoy the great outdoors.

My advice is to get your husband to pull his head in and not to make manipulative comments to them (I was very guilty of this myself) for example saying he won’t visit etc, and I would say to your son, I’m sorry I reacted the way they I did, but it was shock in the moment, I’m your mum and I had an idea of how our lives and yours would be and this changes that, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad, just different and I will adjust to it with time.

Be happy for them and ask questions about where they will be living and what they look forward to most etc.
WhatsApp is a great thing, I talk to my son more than I ever did when he lived in the same city as me.

When they do move, send care packages, with his and hers favourite U.K. treats, these are always very popular,

Oh P60 I can only imagine your turmoil. Years ago, our youngest daughter and son in law considered Oz. She researched it and had enough points or whatever for them to go as she is a teacher. Our grandson was then 2y old. He’s 10y old now with a 5y old sister. Whilst she was looking into it I found I was quite sanguine about the prospect. Yes, I’d miss her terribly (we are very close) but then I had to acknowledge it was her life and her choices.

I think the shock of it all, especially as so recently they were buying a house, has pulled the rug from under your feet in the short term. Time will soften the blow to some degree. Our brains then feel the benefit of being wrapped in virtual cotton wool and our emotions calm down I think.

All the best from me to you ALL going forward.

Dilly, thanks so much, this is brilliant: "I would say to your son, I’m sorry I reacted the way they I did, but it was shock in the moment, I’m your mum and I had an idea of how our lives and yours would be and this changes that, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad, just different and I will adjust to it with time."
Exactly spot on.
Thanks for your support everyone, this is helping more than you can imagine

p.s. sorry - I didn’t make it clear - she changed her mind!
No input from me, I stayed supportive throughout.

Thank you, Urmstongran. Indeed, the shock!

I always feel really sorry for parents whose children emigrate. One of my sons has just been away for three months and that was bad enough. I suppose we just have to accept it and move forwards. It's better to stay on good terms even though they will be at a distance, than to lose their friendship and goodwill.
Today's communications make it easier to keep in touch.
And maybe start saving for your first trip over there. Australia is a wonderful country. Your husband will change his mind,, no doubt? Hopefully. Good wishes.

Your son knows the pain this move is causing you but I feel you now need to be totally upbeat about this.
You must not put him in a position where in supporting his wife and family he is constantly faced with your disappointment and your husband's distress.

We raise our children to be bold, intrepid, and resilient and should try to be positive when they take wing and fly.

Some of us remember being that young parent - travelling half way round the world for opportunities not available on home turf. I for one am acutely grateful to my mother and father who never once made me feel bad about this decision.
I was aware of the magnitude of what I was taking away from them as an only child myself and clearly this makes the decision harder so I didn't need reminding of it.

My kind, generous, selfless parents loved me so completely that my happiness was theirs.
I know now, having had two of my 5 adult children move abroad that there is a hole in a parent's heart that doesn't quite heal but it is survivable. I want my children's families to have the best life. I can "suck this up" be grateful that they are looking forward to a happier future and striving for a better life.

As to the situation which you say is "out of the blue" - I wonder how true this really is when uou examine your heart? When my son started seriously dating an American, even though he lived in Oxford at the time, it was definitely something that would pop into my head now and again.
Now he has been gone 10 years and is surprisingly, talking about how they might possibly come to live in the UK for a while.

We also came back as it happened.
Even when things seem final, those of us who make this big leap are able to make a big move more than once if it seems a better option.

Not suggesting you cling to this as a comfort blanket, but it does happen.

Definitely tell your son it was just the shock reaction and then you paint a smile on your face and wish them well in their new adventure
27 years ago my son and long term girlfriend went out to NZ to have a ‘look around’ and see how it was, her parents were there and I knew they wouldn’t come back, they didn’t,
I saw them off with a great big smile plastered on my face then got home, got in the shower and cried a bucket probably ten buckets
I went out to their wedding in Bali and have visited about 6 times since Its a lovely place they have the life of Riley but I am always so pleased to get home and wouldn’t want to live there we talk every week on the phone I m now top end of
70 s and not at all sure I l go out again 27/28 hours travelling is getting toonmuch I have two grandchildren who have their other Nan and grandad round the corner
It’s a privilege if you have nearby grandkids if you don’t you learn to make the most of it They are up and away in the blink of an eye, anyway wherever they live

Phillipa you have done really well to take on board all the suggestions and it will all be ok be happy for them and like me cry your buckets in private (I still do sometimes in fact I am now?)

So true BlueBelle - we all cry buckets at some point.
For me, it's usually when they go home after a visit.

Thank you all

Reading here has helped me a lot. I hope I will be able to get my DH to read the responses too....

Hi. My son has lived in the USA since 2000, going there to study. He said you told me to go and see the world. I replied yes, but I thought you would come back. He spent a year in Australia before the US.
He has a lovely life, great job. It was hard at the beginning for us as he had no family there. Now we have accepted it and we visit each other when we can. Technology makes it easy now too.
My advice would be, be honest, tell them how you feel, which is understandable, but you want a good life for them, which they probably will have.
Also sometimes people go, realise its not for them and come back. Although that may not happen.
I miss my son, after over 20 years, I often wish he was here. Then I see the life and opportunities he has and am happy for him.

PS Bluebell. I cry when they arrive. My son says 'you are supposed to cry well we leave!'

I cry when I see him for the first time and when we say goodbye and he says he wouldn't have it any other way.

We made the move over to Australia many years ago when 2 of our children were babies. Mum and Dad did not come to the airport to see us off and this was the right thing because they didn’t want to leave us with tears and feeling sad.. We had a farewell dinner with most of the family and that was lovely and remains in our memories to this day. My husband’s brother didn’t come and we have never had a good relationship with him and so it continues to this day ( he is now in his 80 s). I am sure you will make the big trip one day, it can be done in stages and you get to see places you would never have dreamed of going to, like Dubai, for instance. When my mum died, Dad hotfooted it over here and stayed until he died 5 years later. It was a wonderful time for all of us and he loved all the extended and extensive family we have here now. Life’s a funny old thing.

I feel for you Philippa60.

My experience of several people who went so far away is they liked it for a while... usually about 4 years and then came back.

But in the meantime you have to accept that this may not be the case for your situation.

Its very hard to let go and incredibly painful but you are lucky you have your husband.

I have a friend whose mother has never been able to accept that she no longer lives in the same country and she is constantly trying to make my friend, aged 50, feel guilty that she isn't in touch more... They speak every week! My friend really struggles and feels claustrophobic...her response is to withdraw and feel angry. Her mother has not been able to move on.

Our children need to make their own lives. And yes, that is hard when it's a long distance away.

Both my children moved to Australia - my daughter 14 years ago when her son was just 4 months old and my son has been there about 10 years. He and his wife and four year old son returned to Australia yesterday after three weeks here…visiting old friends too. It’s been wonderful spending time with them again, especially after a three year pandemic gap but it’s quite nice to get back into our old, but boring, routine.
Empty nest syndrome at first was awful and it takes time to adapt but there are many ways to keep in touch - e mail, texts, FaceTime, WhatsApp. Despite being the other side of the world, they’re still there, you still get to know what’s happening, they’re just not huggable.
I do understand what a blow it must have been to get their news out of the blue. It will take time to get over the shock but you will adapt and even your husband will hopefully become more accepting of the move.

Thank you all. I know we are lucky in that our daughter and her family live close by. Part of the pain is knowing that she and her brother and his family won't have a close relationship. That was always my deepest wish (fantasy?) and I need to let go of it.
I really appreciate all the wonderful support here

It's really hard - but try and be happy for your son and his family and take each day at a time.
We're just back from a wonderful visit to DS1 and his family in Australia. We were lucky enough to stay with them and spend precious normal family time with them, around their work. They have had extremely challenging times (Covid/weather etc) so our time together was even more special. DH hates long haul flights and grumbled a lot but it was still worth every second. We find ways of making the journey more bearable and it's really only 24 hours ish, depending on layover times.
We were all really really sad when we left but we have so many happy memories and photos. We have a family WhatsApp group and we often leave WhatsApp voicemails for each other, which is always a lovely surprise - and gets around that 9 hour+ time difference.