What happens when one spouse decides to retire without discussion

annsixty

Even if your friend has asked your opinion, keep out of it.
It is their problem not yours.

I'm with you on this annsixty. I think we all have enough on our plates . We can all help one another with Minor issues ok but not this sort of thing!

Sorry Coolguy! I’m not easily taken in,

My view is when retired each person should drink as they feel fit and when they choose. My husband likes a tot of wiskey, we sometimes split a Guinness at lunch time, I may choose to make a gin, peach and tonic water cockatil filled with a half peach and a strawerry served with a sunde spoon. But as husband has his preferred tipple I do not make him one. He may enjoy a glass of red wine at table I may prefer iced water with lemon or elderflower cordial. We each choose our own drinking preferences.

I find this post creepy controlling and condescending! his friend’s wife has no interests except light cleaning… grrrrrrr
I have no idea what advice you are soliciting is it just a wind up? Or do you expect someone to say yes it is outrageous that your friends wife should retire and get under his feet and no longer bring in a wage without asking his permission? What?

Keep your own counsel.
If it’s really you talk to your spouse.

Do you have any romantic feelings towards your friend by any chance ?

I thought GN was a woman’s only forum?

Secretsquirrel1

I thought GN was a woman’s only forum?

Not at all.

very creepy and unpleasant

OP are you sure he wasn’t trying to make a move on you??

It's not your problem to solve either on here or anywhere else, if your 'friend' is such a doormat that can't sort out his/her own problems at retirement age then there is not much hope for the future.

I think this needs a little more explanation. Surely you retire when you reach retirement age and not just on the spur of the moment.

If your friend is seriously concerned about his wife's drinking then that is the problem he should be adddressing, surely.

All you can do is to suggest your friend tries to discuss what he sees as problems with his wife.

Galaxy. I should have done this. Too late now.

I am retired and have no hobbies except for helping out with grandchildren. Yes I clean, cook, go shopping and see friends. My life, my choice. However I only drink on rare occasions!

My husband said he was worried about me retiring and that I needed to have a plan. Yet he took on another job as soon as he retired! Then after five years he retired again but continued to work part-time on a voluntary basis - and still does, though less often. It seems he is the one without a plan.
It really is something couple need to talk about, for financial reasons of course, and also to try to find some common ground, or compromises. Two people will rarely have exactly the same thing in mind.

I retired early, 60 years, and husband still working until 66 years. We agree as my husband was worried about my mental health, I was in a very stressful job. Although I was asked to return to work at start of pandemic my husband begged me not too as he now had his wife back, heavens knows what I was like. I was phoned 10 times in first week to ask if I would go back, I still feel guilty about not returning. But. I would never have just retired without discussing with DH, to me it is so wrong. But. I would also never take sides in a domestic as its none of my business and I would never repeat when some one asked for my advice.

Telling his wife would have been a courtesy, but maybe his job was unbearable.Really they should take stock. Have they always been ‘joined at the hip’? Perhaps respecting each others’ life decisions is a good way forward. If your friend has no hobbies, I assume that has been her choice, and irrelevant to DH’s decision that he does not want to work until his dying day.

#windup

I think it’s not really your problem as there’s not much you can do about their domestic arrangements. Empathise with your friend and be a supportive listener but something for the two of them to discuss and sort out.

Iam64

Asking for a friend ?

Exactly

My husband of almost 40 years has made a number of major decisions by himself in the last 6 years. Support your friend, it hurts...and makes you wonder about the basis your marriage is based on. He needs to decide if the relationship is still where he wishes to be; and whether he can take an amount of time to plan how to walk away. Practically, there would be no holidays etc paid from savings. Money, as I have learnt, doesn't grow on trees sadly. Good luck to your friend.

Iam64

Asking for a friend ?

Yes - I wondered about that too! And if really talking about a friend, then it's none of our business, especially the judginess about the drink issue.

Coolguy

Just a bit more info. It seems like his wife's entire family drinks everyday - her father and all her siblings. Also, they are married for nearly 25 years.

I have wine every day too. Never occurred to me it was something that anyone would find to be an issue! Where's the big deal here? Is it anyone's business?

GoldenAge

Apart from suggesting you steer clear I would say as a psychotherapist that there is definitely something upsetting your friend's wife - this may be her role at work, perhaps it's her health, or maybe the marriage has gone sour but there's a reason for her needing to drink alcohol every day. The drinking is not the problem, rather it's the underlying issue. Perhaps you could just be a friend to your friend and ask him if he thinks she's unhappy with any part of her life and what fears he might have if she stays at home all day. Is it really financial or does he just not want her around while he uses the home as his office? Ask him to examine his feelings and when he has he may be in a better position to discuss his wife's motives with her without any prompting from outside.

Are you really a psychotherapist? Do you normally diagnose from a distance like this and without (clearly) even having read the post properly? Having a few glasses of wind every day is not an issue for most people. The wife in this case seems to be being judged for (apparently) having no hobbies and for liking a glass or two of wine. How about looking at the one doing the judging and asking why they think it's their place to do this?

This sounds like a very tortured situation indeed. Keep supporting your friend but don't get drawn into a potentially ugly scenario.