Is there an acceptable period of mourning before starting a new relationship?

I have a friend whose wife died after a fairly protracted battle with cancer. He was youngish, with their child to look after. Within a few months, he was seeing another woman. His wifes friends were horrified (and I was a bit shocked too), but honestly, I think he just wanted a bit of normality, and yes, probably sex, given it had been off the cards in his marriage for quite a while.

I don't think it ever really became a 'relationship' and it fizzled out. I think the poor bloke was floundering. He needed someone.

After another couple of years, he had a girlfriend, who he has just married, 10 years after his wife's death.

I’d have thought a year was a ‘respectable’ sort of period, but wouldn’t raise eyebrows at anyone doing it sooner.

Personally I doubt that I’d ever want anyone but dh (think goodness he’s still here). I’ve said many times that I’d rather have a dog.

IMO there are some women who just can’t do without a man. And of course new relationships soon after being widowed do seem more common when the bereaved one is a man.

I know people whose partners have died and they have lived alone for the rest of their lives.

My Aunt remarried in her 80s she had been widowed for 20 yrs.

A school friends husband was in ICU and met a man whose wife was also in the same unit, after both their partners died they married, still together 40 yrs later.

Someone else started dating 2 months after his wife died.

There is no right or wrong, only what is right for them.

I don't think there's a right time or a wrong time. I think it can be very lonely without a partner. I've got lots of friends and go out more with them than with my OH but I do like to come home to him. A friend died recently, she'd been married for a long time and although her husband is very busy socially, she's always been his "rock". He's 65, recently retired and I think the ladies will be queuing up at his door. I think he'll be in another relationship quite quickly and I think his late wife would be pleased for him.

Taking on an old man no thanks I am not a nurse I can’t think of anything worse. I would enjoy the company of a man dining out theatre etc but that’s it.
You get one life it’s up to you what you do with it not other people.

I wouldn't want another after the one I still have. It would be like getting a new puppy.
All that training, no dirty clothes on the floor, no hanging trousers over the bannister, picking up wet towels, putting things back where you got them.All the negotiating that goes on when you are first married.
I do know people who have done it. My MIL remarried about 2 years after FIL died she was in her late 50's. DH didn't mind and she moved into the chaps house, where she was unhappy and always said buy somewhere new between you she did have boyfriends after number two died.
Another already had no. two lined up during her DH's terminal illness. Now after a few years, they are divorcing.
Yet another married an old friend they soon turned into enemies and live at separate ends of a house, leading completely different lives.
I think it is to do with your personality if you think you need a friend and companion you marry quickly and maybe come to rue it.
If you wait a while and weigh everything up cynical as it sounds I think you can make a go of things. I have yet another friend who is looking for her third after two previous happy marriages where her husband's died.

A friend dated a woman 3 months after his wife died and it became a serious exclusive relationship very quickly.
I must admit I was sceptical and concerned for him as he was a generous man with quite a bit of wealth and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to take advantage of him.
They dated for 5 years and have now been married for 5 so this early coupling was right for him.
He said he hated being single again and coming back to an empty house at the end of each day.

I have been learning to live on my own since OH died 2.5 years ago. Sadly the man who died bore very little resemblance to the person I knew so the mourning is tainted and I can barely remember who he really was.

First of all I thought that there was no way that I would cope with living alone, but I have adapted and have no great desire to find someone to share my life with. I have female friends who share my interests and I go to concerts with.

I guess that people do fall in love again; but it certainly feels like a gamble - in no way could I nurse a sick OH for years again.

My FIL went on a coach trip a few weeks after MIL died where he met a younger woman and was in bed with her before you could blink - and wanting viagra from my GP OH! He was such a horrid man that it beggared belief that anyone could possibly fancy him! But TBH, her presence meant that we were spared a great deal of looking after him as he grew older. Sorry if that sounds mercenary ......

I’m with Maw, I don’t want another man, just mine. He wasn’t just my husband but my sole mate and best friend, you can’t repeat that. I’ve had opportunities but I consider myself lucky for what I did have, I don’t think a lot do.
As for the correct time, it’s up to the individual and also the sort if relationship that they want, a lot can’t manage on their own without a partner.

foxie48, if I went first I’d be happy for dh to find someone else to be happy with, BUT when I think about it (not often) I do worry that he might remarry, change his will and disinherit dds.
I don’t for a moment think he’d do it if compos mentis, at least I hope not!* - but I know of cases where early undiagnosed dementia has been taken advantage of by someone very unscrupulous.
*I’d come back and haunt the pair of them!

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors... often people who appear happy and contented aren't..they are together because of history and because they still care enough about each other. People sometimes can't leave due to financial worries - as soon as the other partner passes they are free..bit of a sad situation maybe for the relatives but a new lease of life for the widower/widow.

I’d be really peed off if my husband was in a new relationship a year after my death.
And that is my business.
I’d come back & haunt him for sure.

I read somewhere (psychol) a long time ago that people who have had a long and successful relationship already are often able to grieve quickly and then move on. It doesn't mean they've forgotten or don't still love their previous partner.

Agree HowdidIgetthisold12
One of the women I know started her new relationship with a family friend.
Makes you wonder if she’d always fancied him ( do people still say ‘fancied’ these days?)

A high profile actor has started a relationship with someone within a year of his wife dying, I wonder how his children feel though. To lose your mom at such a tender age and a new woman to get on with, that’s hard.

I lost two friends both when they were relatively young, the husband of one patterned up with somebody really quickly, the other husband went into a deep depression and has only recently become more himself, I think the first one was probably better although a surprise to all at the time. I wouldn't want another partner myself.

partnered

I think whatever is right for the person left behind is what is right. I guess I'd be surprised if it happened super fast but to each their own. I personally don't want another partner and would like to keep the one I have for a lot longer.

I have dated 2 widowers. I was shocked to find out in both cases that their wives had died less than 6 months previously One's main concern was that he would never have sex again.
Both remarried quite soon after breaking up with me.

Actually I think it was 6 weeks in one case and he told me his wife was multiorgadmic.

orgasmic

I would be pleased for someone that has found happiness in a new relationship no matter how quickly after a loss.

There is no right answer.
Someone I know married her late sister’s husband. They had been close all their adult lives, and she helped to nurse her sister during her illness, and also helped with the children, so she was not a stranger. They married within a year.

Similar situations occurred a lot in the past. Men who were widowed often re- married very quickly to provide a mother for the children. Both my grandads did. One marriage worked brilliantly, the other was a big mistake.
There are no right answers.
I will not marry again if DH dies first, but if I were younger I might have done.

Their decision ... no one knows until it happens to them ... everyone is different ... personally I wouldn't judge anyone ...

Cabbie21 my ‘Grandad’ married my Gran (DM’s mother) six weeks after his first wife died.
There’s a long back story, but for his part, he was desperate to have someone take on his daughters who were left to run wild during his wife’s illness and death. It was a scandal in their small pit village, but my DGM always knew the truth.