Family unforging

MerylStreep

Norah
The OP has never stated that he drinks to get drunk or that
they have asked him to quit
It’s one word, not a bloody hanging offence.

Sure, but why are the women in his family not allowed to have this boundary?

Ms30

I would recommend you open your own thread so you can get the support you need

I can't believe we are all still discussing this, fascinating as it is!! I'm quite often morose and I have one large gin and tonic with a bag of crisps every night of the week to help me out of it. In front of the grandchildren too, when they are here I make them a non alcoholic cocktail and at 6.00pm we sit and chat about their day. It seems to me that this family needs to calm down and discuss the episode now that the heat has hopefully gone out of it. How many more times must the father apologise? We all make mistakes and some of us have even got drunk, it's not the crime of the century unless you are driving a car of course. I've heard the C word many times, from women too and this was working in the NHS!! Swearing was rife, I don't condone it but maybe this family need to stop clutching their pearls and get to the bottom of why the father behaved as he did. Maybe he is ill or struggling with a personal problem?

Smudgie
I think it’s more to do with the circumstances, who was present, we still don’t really know the ins and outs of it,
I work in an office area, apart from an exasperated ‘Bloody Hell’ now and then no one swears, but I daresay down in the workshop it’s a different story.
But I wouldn’t expect a technician to come up and speak to a customer and use bad language, it’s all about what’s appropriate, and he obviously misjudged badly.
It’s just one of those words you really don’t want to hear your dad say, and once you have, you can’t just forget it.

I hate that word and would be pretty annoyed if someone used it around me. I would call them out in it.

But, unless there is a back story here, this is a huge over-reaction to one episode of using a word that's disliked.?

The family need to get over themselves - we all behave badly at times.

Some of us have even been known to imbibe a glass or two around the grandchildren.

I spent years working for the DWP and a child protection dept. I was called that word so many times, by "clients". in a working week, I thought it was my middle name before long lol ?

I hated being called it, but I didn't fall into a puddle of shock, clutching my pearls around me....?

DiamondLily
I think there is certainly a back story, but we are left to guess what it might be.
I’ve certainly been drunk and said things I wouldn’t normally say (not that word) but I’ve been forgiven, as I’ve graciously forgiven my husband for the odd overindulgence.
We used to have a lot of parties, so our children have definitely seen us and our friends a little merry. But you still remember where you are and who you are with, and moderate your behaviour.

It seems unlikely one incident led to estrangement. There’s a back story here.

Summerlove why are the women in his family not allowed to have this boundary?

Indeed, why are the wife and daughter held to solving bad behaviour they didn't cause? They may well need a very long time to "forgive" the man's atrocious, shameful actions - if ever.

If there is no back story, there is nothing to "forgive"

Simply a person, flawed like the rest of us, using an unpleasant word at the wrong time.

No one is injured, no one is dead. Massive overreaction.?

However, there could be much more to this.

There could be more to this as you say DL but based on what we've been told by JPB I also think this is a massive overreaction.

I disagree, I think they are justified in being quite upset, maybe not a case for cutting him out of their lives completely, but I would be upset if it was my husband, really out of order.

Apart from death or injury, is there no valid reason to CO?

Really? Is the daughter just to put up with atrocious behaviour?

Yes, they're justified in being upset Sara but cutting him out of their lives for me is a massive overreaction.

How any anyone can comment not knowing the back story I don’t know. If it’s a one off, it’s a massive over reaction. No one likes swearing, that word particularly offensive, but to cut your flesh and blood off for that, is it an excuse and if so why, you have to think why, now at 75 is he past his sell by date? If it’s a constant reoccurrence, I still wouldn’t cut him off, he has a problem, just avoid social interaction until he changes, but I would have the talk with him and ask him to get help as it’s unacceptable. It’s life people mess up occasionally unless we are saints.

Allsorts
Some people just enjoy being indignant. ?

Smileless
Yes, I agree that to cut him out of their lives is extreme.
I think there must be a lot more to this, and as someone has said, it could be a last straw situation.
But regardless, I think to use that word within a family situation, is totally unacceptable.

Oh me too Sara I hate the word. It could be the last straw or as Allsorts has said, it could be an excuse.

I think it’s shocking using the c word in front of his grandchildren and being drunk, not a good combination I wouldn’t like that in front of ours, he’s apologised etc while I would forgive I wouldn’t forget it in a hurry, maybe he needs to curb his drinking

No, it’s not, but it’s not an estrangement situation.

Unless there is a back story,

Surely there has to be a back story and more to it? It's the only way I can imagine this kind of reaction to one incident.

DiamondLily

No, it’s not, but it’s not an estrangement situation.

Unless there is a back story,

Perhaps not to you. We dont know what the boundaries are in this family.

We cannot be the judges of what should or should not be an estrangement issue for others. Only what we personally would or would not estrange over.

Just because you would not estrange over insert issue does not mean that someone else is wrong to do so.

Summerlove

DiamondLily

No, it’s not, but it’s not an estrangement situation.

Unless there is a back story,

Perhaps not to you. We dont know what the boundaries are in this family.

We cannot be the judges of what should or should not be an estrangement issue for others. Only what we personally would or would not estrange over.

Just because you would not estrange over insert issue does not mean that someone else is wrong to do so.

Precisely. Nobody should attempt to tell another family how to set boundaries or what to estrange over.

I agree too

It's up to the individual what they are willing to tolerate in a relationship

We have long moved past days where people were obligated to stay in relationships that made them unhappy

I genuinely find it bizarre, that, if this was an isolated incident, and if the man was a lovely father/grandfather before this, someone would estrange.

I'm all for boundaries, but, according to the OP, this was one word on one occasion.

Seems a complete outbreak of overreaction.?

Unless there is a backstory

It would be a funny old world is we all stopped talking to a close relative because of one word said out of place.

But, as the OP hasn't returned, further discussion seems a bit pointless..none of us know the full story.

Could it be he is acting out of character because of stress, or the beginning of some degenerative illness. We don't know the story, but if this is out of charter it's help he needs. Maybe his mental health is suffering, Covid has affected many people, a lot think they would be understanding but to some the reality of it makes them push people away. I would go by how he has always been, not one incident.