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Completely different things wanted from retirement.

(70 Posts)
Fizzlywizzly Tue 04-Oct-22 10:11:06

To fund our retirement we need to downsize.

We disagree on every single thing. Where to live, what sort of house, whether it has a garden, he wants a garage to fund his expensive hobby, l don’t.

I want to release as much money as possible to go on lots of holidays. He wants to release less to fund his hobby. Which I’d kind of be paying for iyswim. And I’m not sure l should be.

If we split up we won’t be able to afford to do anything, but we cannot resolve the problem.

pascal30 Tue 04-Oct-22 14:32:34

could he rent a garage or workshop away from your house?

Hithere Tue 04-Oct-22 14:44:03

Being or not the breadwinner - you both are equals in the relationship

It doesnt matter

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 04-Oct-22 14:45:18

You said you want to release more money for ‘lots of holidays’ whilst he wants to release less to fund his hobby, and that you thought that meant you’d be ‘kind of’ paying for his hobby. I don’t follow the logic but isn’t he ‘kind of’ paying for you and the home atm? And will be continuing to do so?

Chardy Tue 04-Oct-22 14:48:45

A GP who you relate to is worth their weight in gold.
Any chance of no garage but putting a purpose-built large shed in the garden?

Nannarose Tue 04-Oct-22 14:55:02

I can see that any sort of a 'shed' doesn't really work for motorbikes.
I also think that any sort of an issue (but especially mental health) means that you feel very concerned about change. You may well find a good GP surgery, and you don't say if your health is managed only by your GP or if you are seen by a mental health team.

You have 8 years, I think you said. We spent 5 years looking in a very concrete way at what we wanted.
You are not clear as to whether staying near friends / family etc. is important.
You obviously have to decide whether you remain important to each other, but assuming you do, I would suggest:
Begin now to look at places you might retire to. Go and stay for a few days, do activities there. Look at properties and do your sums (yes, I know inflation is an issue, but you have to start somewhere). Research local NHS services, and other activities that would interest you.
We found that the most important thing is to keep an open mind. As you look at properties and areas, say to each other 'where would the bikes go?', 'what groups could I join?' etc.etc. Doing this, being respectful of each other, enables ideas to come out into the open. It is easier to do this when you are not just fighting your own corner.
It may also be useful to think about what you want from a holiday - some folk just like seeing new places and doing new things, but if your desire is for some sort of break or change of routine, you may find it seems less important.

I wish you luck with all of it!

NotSpaghetti Tue 04-Oct-22 15:57:29

If you still love him and you like your GP I'd stay put.
He already has a garage - and with motorbikes it's unreasonable not to.
You knew his love for this presumably years ago. Isn't it a part if who he is?

Isn't crafting a hobby you love?

Are you saying you'd never have a holiday if you stayed put?

I would not pick an unnecessary quarrel over something my husband loved and derived great pleasure from, nor would he if I loved something.

M0nica Tue 04-Oct-22 16:31:15

It sounds as if you are quite young, possibly in your 60s, in which case equity release is probably not a good idea until you are well into your 70s, the longer you live before the house is sold, the more of its value is swallowed up by rolled up interest payments.

have you considered seeking councelling to help you reach a decision. You could speak to Relate.

It seems to me that if the two of you are so at odds with each other over this move, you may benefit more widely from some marriage counelling

mumofmadboys Tue 04-Oct-22 17:12:47

A GP could move jobs at any time. I agree a GP you can relate to and trust is important but I dont think it should influence where you live.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 04-Oct-22 17:25:47

I have various health conditions. So does my husband. The GP where we used to live was very good and so is the new one. The very best one I ever had retired early. As Mumofmadboys (herself I believe a retired GP) says, you can’t predict a particular person remaining in a particular place. You’re really restricting the rest of your life by insisting on living within the catchment area of a particular surgery. By my calculations you’re probably still in your 50s.

CleoPanda Tue 04-Oct-22 17:37:31

MOnica and mumofmadboys
Excellent points made.

Katie59 Tue 04-Oct-22 18:28:49

£70k for a garage that a lot maybe a super double luxury one, much less for a wooden alternative, all you need is the space to put it. So a cheaper house and you compromise on some travel, because if you dont both compromise you both loose.

3dognight Tue 04-Oct-22 18:39:38


could he rent a garage or workshop away from your house?

My DH has a garage about two miles away. His hobby is bikes too, I may be wrong, but I think he my have gone to estate agents to source one, it was a sealed bid to secure sale. He bid three thousand and got it. He’s built a bigger more secure workshop with hard standing in front. This was twenty years ago.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 04-Oct-22 18:49:48

I think OP has left the building.

MawtheMerrier Tue 04-Oct-22 19:30:58

To quote Brenda from Bristol
Not another one ?!

madeleine45 Tue 04-Oct-22 19:50:07

May I suggest something that I used to do with students, thinking about where they wanted to go or what course. Works with other things too. Remember the old game of consequences? So you and your husband get two pieces of paper each. On your own, you write all the positive things you see in your plan one one piece , and on the other all the negative things. As you think of something, write it down and fold the paper over . When you have filled your paper , put it away for a week or two without looking at it. Then on a day when you both feel reasonably calm get your papers out and firstly look at your own papers and try and link up things that have links - e.g. friends and doctors are close by - or on the other hand you might find a house with stairs becomes too difficult to stay with , then look at each others papers and try and see together what things actually match up and which things seem to have a lot of importance . At least then you get a chance to find out what you each see as very important and what things you might be able to make some changes to. Even at the worst, it will make clear what is really important to each of you and could then at least aim to work out what you might do to achieve at least some of your plans. Whatever the outcome it may help to clarify what really matters to each of you and if there could be some fair give and take that will let you enjoy being with each other still. Good luck

MawtheMerrier Tue 04-Oct-22 20:59:44

Happy marriages usually involve compromise and not only putting oneself first.
Look for some common ground and make your plans together

blue25 Tue 04-Oct-22 21:45:15


If it were me, I'd go for the expensive garage option. However I am not interested in holidays, and would prefer a good district and a large garden.

Another plus point for the garage option is that a solidly made dry garage adds to the value of your property, whereas holiday expenses can never be recovered.

Why should the OP go for a garage she doesn’t want over holidays which she’ll get lots of pleasure from?

I’d go for the holidays and memorable experiences over adding value to a house.

NotSpaghetti Tue 04-Oct-22 22:09:30

blue25 there is already a garage.
The OP wants a house without the thing that gives her husband pleasure so she can have more holidays.

LinFreed Thu 10-Nov-22 16:00:18

I found retirement is the worst time for relationships.

Late DH and I had to go to couple's counselling when we retired. He wanted me home and and I felt released to do my own thing. Our expectations were not aligned.

Many relationships do become unstuck at retirement, because issues that were buried for years due to bringing up.and family and working, come to a head.

We did stay together in the end, but he suddenly died when we had just bought a smaller house near our gc. Now I can do what I want when I want!

You need to find out together what you really need and come to a compromise. Maybe you can travel with a friend, or on your own, and he can pursue his hobby. Just because you're married doesn't mean you can't be individuals with needs.