MIL

If she says something like 'you look as if you have put on weight' could you say 'Pardon I missed what you said ' and let her repeat it 2 or 3 times and then say smiling 'Gosh that isnt a kind comment . I'm sure you didnt mean to sound unkind' and walk away. Repeat as often as necessary and she should soon get the message! Good luck.

It always astonishes me how some people feel they have the right to do this. it seems as if your husband is so used to his mum he really doesn't notice, is immune to it, he's developed strategies just to ignore. I would want him more on my side to gently ask his mum not to say this or that.
Evade her as much as possible in being alone with her?

I honestly dont know if I'd have the courage to challenge her, as in, "please don't say that: its hurtful: I've got x and y health problems, and I've got x and y family problems to try and take care of" etc.

I'd say this to her when she makes her next nasty remark, hopefully when the rest of the family are there "you are being unnecessarily personal and unpleasant, when you do so you hurt my feelings" I'd walk out of the room and let her chew that over, she needs shaming. Good luck.

As nobody is perfect, think of all her faults, physical and otherwise and give her a dose of her own medicine as a riposte.
You might enjoy it, I would!👍

Some people just get into a pattern of negative comments. And generally old people don’t get challenged on their negativity. Everyone makes allowances because they are old. It’s not good for us to be indulged! 😬

I found the “broken record” very effective with one relative.

“You’re getting fat.”
“That’s a rude thing to say”

“This room needs dusting”
“ That’s a rude thing to say”

“For goodness sake speak properly”
“That’s a rude thing to say.”

If nothing else she get bored.

When it comes to the ills and woes, I’m afraid you do have to put up with that. It’s one of the main topics of conversation with old people 🙄😬

You have a husband problem- he doesnt see how offensive it is

Anybody exhibiting that behaviour wouldnt put a foot in my home - her darling son cam go and visit her himself

My own mother was just like that - always found fault and criticised everyone. (I expect your husband is very used to it so doesn't notice or react.) My father said it was because she 'needed' to put others down - in order to feel superior and secure herself. I did limit contact (as an adult) and viewed her as ill, rather than nasty. I certainly didn't believe she'd ever change, but must admit I did resort to laughing at her comments and calling her a joker. It's easier to change your own attitude than somebody else's behaviour.

Well, thank you for your thoughts so far. MIL also blows hot and cold. I do tend to avoid her, but FIL is so easy to chat too.
I thought I had trained myself to rise above MIL. Because of what has gone on, I sometimes feel very vulnerable anyway, and sad, thats I suppose why she does it. We have nothing in common, but her son, and son is very much of the idea, she is old, take no notice.
I will definitely take on board your thoughts.

If people, be they related to me or not, are rude to me, I have no problem with saying something, probably ruder, back to them. I find that method is very effective.

Dont be fooled about fil - he wery well know how she is and enables it

He is not that outstanding and nice

My counsellor once suggested that i just said ‘ouch’ and moved on.

When somebody is mentally ill and/or very old, it's not about correcting their behaviour - or expecting others to - it's just a case of ignoring it!

Please don't think you need coping mechanisms to deal with this behaviour. I don't think there is anything really that stops it hurting.

That's just not fair on you.

It's too easy to think that if we could just be stronger we could handle it but the truth is, there is nothing wrong with you exactly as you are, the problem is your MIL.

You don't have to engage with people who are toxic to your metal health.

If you want to avoid them completely and just let husband have a relationship with them, that is OK.

Thank you for all the advice, I do think of MIL as old and ill. Going forward, I wont be so kind towards her, and just avoid that person altogether.

"Bold of you to criticise me MIL considering the absolute state you've left your house in today"

Trust me it works.

tell her to f--- off

I like the 'ouch' response or even 'meow'!

She might be old and ill, but she’s also nasty.

Get your husband to visit them, keep her out of your house, tell your husband to give your love to his Father.

If they visit, either take your FIL out for a walk and a chat or go out yourself until she has gone.

It’s a pity that your husband is so used to her that he can’t see a problem.

I am really sorry that you are having to go through this. Please also think of the future of your own health and well being. Do you really need to put up with this? I have an aunt who is incredibly rude and drags up stuff from 60 years ago. Sorry to say I have nothing to do with her now. I just can't hack it any more. Please look after yourself and there is some good advice on here.

'It looks like you've put on weight'
'How weird, I was just about to say the same to you.'

But I'm petty. Mumofmadboys is a great idea!

She'll know she's being rude to you.
How about a bit of sarcasm in your reply:
"Are you this polite to everyone or is it only me?"

I agree with Lathyrus "That's a rude thing to say" i.e the broken record technique.

However you want to keep the peace so can you do the broken record in a lighthearted phrase with a broad smile? EG "F off!" with a broad grin. Or whatever sort of language is acceptable in your family circle .

"You don't say!"

"You're so observant!"

"It's not!"

"I'm okay."

Or following rude comment by MIL say ' Well I am SO glad your son fancies me just the way I am !' and give her a big wink!

Refuse to feed her, say you're on a diet thanks to her remarks...