MIL

Just say "women's problems" in a loud whisper that usually shuts them up.

Crusher, I'm sorry you bring treated the way you are. Don't know why she has such a problem keeping her mouth shut. I would be overjoyed if I was made welcome by you as would most people, she is the one with the problem. If she says anything unkind, tell her it hurts when she does that, she needs telling it's not right.

I agree with everyone here who suggested you say "that was rude". Do it when she says it and in front of others. Then walk away from her.

She will eventually learn you will not put up with her BS and move on to someone else with her efforts.

I am so grateful for all the brilliant answers people have given me, and I am feeling more confident about the next encounter I have with said MIL.
It gets me how people think they can, say things to people in this manner. My previous MIL was just as bad, not as full on.
If it was a cultural thing and I needed help understanding things, I wouldn't mind. MIL has problems understanding me anyway as I have an accent, do things differently, because I came from a different area, and she tries to act snooty. It's a good job I am grown up about it.

Thank you all for your input, its brilliant.

I’d offer her a saucer of Whiskas (other cat foods are available).

How unkind your MIL is!
Here's a few comments and suggestions:

MIL: You are putting on weight!
YOU: You are ugly, at least I can lose weight!

MIL: This room is dusty!
YOU: Here's a cloth and tin of polish, knock yourself out Ma but be sure to polish your broomstick too!

MIL: Iv'e got and *** wrong with me!
YOU: So have countless others, think yourself lucky it isn't terminal!

MIL: You talk funny!
YOU: I have spoken this way for nye on 62 years and I am not changing now!

Try not to let her get to you.

I was married for a very short time in the 1960s and my MIL was toxic. My husband was also something of a "mummys boy" and would never challenge her. I, on the other hand, am told I have a "tongue like a lash" and frequently did. In fact I used to quite enjoy a good argument!

I used a number of techniques on my MIL. One was what I call "pick at the scab". She would make some oblique snippy remark and I would ask "What do you mean by that?" then, no matter what she replied i would keep asking exactly what she meant and picking at the topic until she walked away or fell silent.

Another was "I dont mind you asking rude impertinent questions so long as you dont mind my not answering them."

Eventually I simply stopped going to visit her and DH went alone. I never attempted to stop him from visiting his mother. My FIL was an old dear.

You come across as a nice person Crusher, no one deserves that level of rudeness, just be ready to call her out the next time she comes out with one of her nasty remarks, repeat it back really slowly and loudly and then follow with a "good grief you must have been sucking on very bitter lemons today to come out with something as spiteful/vitriolic as that!, have you ever considered this: if you can't say anything nice, then perhaps say nothing at all!" Then I'd ignore her for the rest of her visit. Don't put up with it!

Is she rude to everyone, or just you? If she's the sort who feels that she can speak her mind and say whatever she feels like then it is easier to just laugh at it. My mother is like that - I once told her she was rude and she was quite offended as 'she wouldn't be rude to anyone'. Didn't change a thing though.

If she singles you out for some reason what I would do is raise my eyebrow, purse my lips, look her up and down then straight in the eye and say mildly 'How very rude' then walk off and be very nice to FiL and DH and ignore her. Enjoy your victory and repeat as necessary.

On the other hand you could just be extremely rude, chuck her out and start an escalating family feud. The risk is DH and FiL will see you as the 'bad guy' and you could end up worse off.

OP

Watch out with your fil, when you stand up to mil

You might see a very different side of him

TerriBull

I'd say this to her when she makes her next nasty remark, hopefully when the rest of the family are there "you are being unnecessarily personal and unpleasant, when you do so you hurt my feelings" I'd walk out of the room and let her chew that over, she needs shaming. Good luck.

Yup, exactly how to deal with it in my view. Calm and assertive

And if FIL or MIL or DH query what you say, just state that that is how you feel so you are being honest about it. They tell you you are being "oversensitive", you say "Really? Well that is your opinion, I don't agree!" And so on!

Perhaps she resents you calling the poor man "hubby"!!

Interesting my MiL is often quite rude to me. I think she felt I wasnt good enough but when my BiL married later in life I became okay as she really doesn't like my SiL. My FiL died some years ago. He was a nice man but he created the woman myself and DH have to deal with now. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt but it is hard sometimes. Thankfully my DH finds her rude too. She has also been rather critical of him and has tried pitting him against his brother - hasn't worked. Quite sad really.

Just ignore it, look straight through her, act as if you hadn't heard her. She is looking for a reaction, if she doesn't get one, it rather spoils the fun.

Your husband is spineless. Time he started sticking up for his wife and putting his nasty mother in her place.
I can’t believe he allows this yet you accept his behaviour. Time to insist he deals with his mother.